Motivating a 14 yo boy
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| Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:35am |
My son, 13 1/2 is in 8th grade. In the fall he will be entering high school. He is a smart kid who does not work up to his potential, which I understand is fairly common among boys. It seems that there are a lot of boys in that category around here. His grades are ok - he is an A-/B+ student (more B+ B lately, though), and that is with minimal effort. He says he is doing the best he can, but he really isn't. All his teachers say he has the ability and his father and I feel he does as well. I've talked with him until I'm blue in the face and just don't know what to do anymore.
My biggest concern right now is math (he is taking Algebra as an 8th grader, which is typically a 9th grade course). He has a solid B sometimes a B+ but he makes a lot of stupid, careless errors. In fact, the vast majority of points taken off on his papers are computational or careless. In order to take Honors courses in high school (math) he needs to have a B+ average for the year, and I really don't think at this point he will be able to do it. I just want him to have the option, whether he actually takes the honors classes is another issue that we'll deal with later. Anyone who has been there and has some advice would be appreciated.

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Plus, when are we going to start listening to our kids when they say, "I'm doing the best I can"??? >>>>>
I do listen to my son. All the time and I think he is starting to listen to me. He is a great kid and a happy one. He loves sports and is very good at them. Everyone likes him.
He is a quiet, but confident kid.
As a parent I know how hard he is working, and how much. And I can tell he is not doing his best by the amount of time he puts into his work. You don't get by on an hour a night in 8th grade around here OR in high school OR in college. Add to that, I've spoken with his teachers who ALL say he is a bright kid capable of A's if only he'd put the time in. So, in spite what you'd like to believe it is not simply a case of not believing him. Any 13yo who doesn't feel like doing schoolwork will tell you they are doing their best. I've seen enough of them to know that. It is lip service.
A good parent recognizes the difference between lip service and someone who really is doing his best. By the way, he's been told many, many, many times that if he were doing his best that is all any parent could ask. If he isn't then he is cheating himself. Simple as that.
I have heard that many, many times; once kids get into high school they soar. I think it is because they know what they are doing 'counts' now in terms of college.
You've gotten some great advice, and I'm jumping in a little late in the game, but I just wanted to add that I think the motivation will come from him, and then it will be even more "real" for him.
My DD14 spent much of 7th and 8th grade doing just about what she *had* to do get A-/B+/B grades. I knew she could have been working harder, and she did if we insisted, but it wasn't consistent. And she blamed every less then wonderful grade on "stupid" teachers and "stupid" assignments. Then last summer she said "you know, if I want to do well in HS, it's going to be up to *me* to put the work in" LOL we tried not to jump up and down! This year, she takes school very seriously and is doing well in all classes.
I can't say it will happen THIS year for your DS, but when it does happen it will be HIS motivation!
Hang in there!
Sue
Great advice! And I think he is taking things a little more seriously. It is hard, these 8th graders are the big cheeses in middle school and they have a lot of attitude now. And spring is coming, LOL.
This was a profound post, IMHO. Other parents should be paying attention. I can relate. I ahve a pretty intelligent son myself who isn't doing as well in math as we'd like him to. His dad would prefer he make straight As in all subjects, but, realistically, I'd be happy if he'd just achieve a good solid B. That might not even happen this year. After two report cards with Ds in math this year, a C would look pretty darn wonderful!
Now, the straight A parents and A/B but not living up to their potential dc's parents probably would say my ds must be dumb or not trying. They don't know the half of it!
In our case, ds is back in PS after several years of homeschooling. Even his teachers do not blame the homeschooling....they say it's the adjustment. he is suddenly surrounded by bad kids and having to get used to rachng through the curriculum to meet some testing goals at the end of the year, with not enough individual attention.
He is gifted in literature and love history. He wants to be a pilot, though. Today we were able to calmly discuss how his short term goals right now need to be higher grades in math and science!
Sometimes I chafe at the term "helicopter parent", too. But, to some extent, many dc are doing oorly in school and in life because of one or the other scenarios: (1) parents breathe down their necks, tell them what should matter to them, what they should be when they grow up, and how to do every last bit of their schoolwork. (2) parents don't give a rat's b*tt, and kid gets no loving guidance from the people who could help them the most--parents who love them.
I personally could be rich if I had a dime for every parent who says their kid is gifted or is honor roll but could be doing better. If my ds made the honor roll after trying soooo hard all year.....I'd go out and buy him ice cream at the expensive ice cream shoppe he's wanting to visit, not ride him about whether or not it's a "good enough" B.
Just my two cents,
Elizabeth
We need more male perspective like this one! i feel better about my 13yo 7th grader right this minute!
My dad recently told me this story of him in tenth grade geometry. it made no sense to him. he simply didn't care that much. he failed it.
After graduation, he wanted into the Air Force Cadets (a flight training program of yesteryear). He and one other guy who really wanted to be pilots were in a class of mostly college grduates. They mostly scoffed and said my dad and him would never make it with their measly high school diplomas.
My dad and the other hs grad were some of the FEW who made it.
His teacher met up with him years later (the math teacher) and said, "Charlie, how'd you ever make pilot training with that F you made in my geometry class?"
he doesnt' remember exactly what he said to her ;-) but he told me, "Well, I guess when it mattered to me, I did all right." :-) :-) :-) That's my dad, a wonderful laid back man of wisdom, age 72.
Kids were taunting my ds at school saying he makes bad grades in math because he was homeschooled. My dad just chuckled and said, "Since the majority of the clas sis ailing...what's *their* excuse??? At the parent/teacher conference, my ds's teacher basically said the same thing and said ds isnt' even that "bad at math"!
There's always hope. We parents get too worked up. It's hard not to! Everyone makes everything sound so darn competitive, life or death these days.
many of the A students of my high school days are nothing so hot now.
Sue, I had to re-read your post to make sure I hadn't posted it myself about my own ds!
Work, work, study, study.......BOMB test. yes, i can relate. This has been the stroy of his life this year. We did homeschool several years, so his teachers figure it's a big adjustment thing. I hate that we are making hsers look bad...but that's another story!
i think there is a lot to the middle school brain fog syndrome. Puberty seems to have come to stay at my house. how about yours?
I agree this has been an insightful post.
I also think it’s important to recognize a continuum of parental style. On one far end is the attitude that school is their business. If you fail.....well, you’ve dug your own academic grave. Deal with it.
On the other far end are the parents who "take on" school for the child. Study time is of a fixed duration. Homework is presented for scrutiny and approval. Nothing less than an "A" is acceptable. And it’s drilled into the kid early on that a "C" is akin to failure and will absolutely ruin his future. Career plans must be determined and educational objectives consistent with said career are implemented....sigh...in middle school?
IMHO somewhere in the middle of those two extremes seems pretty darn healthy, and leaning torward one or the other side all depends on the kid.
Elizabeth, I have no doubt your DS with improve his math and science grade with your encouraging guidence. If we all stick to the middle, we'll be buying lots of ice cream regardless of the ultimate letter grade.
Yes; he's noticing body changes. No voice change, attitude still a great kid, and VERY concerned about his grades because he does great on homework but it's just that in-class test scenario that is blowing it - started at the end of 4th for him, goes up and down, sometimes does fine, other times Ds. I sure wish I knew what it was. We tried a couple of recent tests with one aspirin before, but that didn't seem to matter (to be a minor beta blocker). He says he doesn't feel stressed or nervous or anything but somehow blanks during tests, and can walk out of there knowing exactly how to do it all - his teachers don't pay attention to it because, at least in the small MS environment, they KNOW him and KNOW he knows all the material. And yes, he studies. And yes, on his request, I quiz him on the material, yet he'll still get Cs and Ds and Fs, somewhat consistently, on tests. Driving us NUTS! I sure hope it's just puberty - but I sure wish it'd hurry up and finish!- his morale is often so shot from this!
Sue
Edited 3/19/2006 11:23 am ET by suzyk2118
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