Motivating a 14 yo boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Motivating a 14 yo boy
37
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:35am

My son, 13 1/2 is in 8th grade. In the fall he will be entering high school. He is a smart kid who does not work up to his potential, which I understand is fairly common among boys. It seems that there are a lot of boys in that category around here. His grades are ok - he is an A-/B+ student (more B+ B lately, though), and that is with minimal effort. He says he is doing the best he can, but he really isn't. All his teachers say he has the ability and his father and I feel he does as well. I've talked with him until I'm blue in the face and just don't know what to do anymore.

My biggest concern right now is math (he is taking Algebra as an 8th grader, which is typically a 9th grade course). He has a solid B sometimes a B+ but he makes a lot of stupid, careless errors. In fact, the vast majority of points taken off on his papers are computational or careless. In order to take Honors courses in high school (math) he needs to have a B+ average for the year, and I really don't think at this point he will be able to do it. I just want him to have the option, whether he actually takes the honors classes is another issue that we'll deal with later. Anyone who has been there and has some advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 9:25am

"I personally could be rich if I had a dime for every parent who says their kid is gifted or is honor roll but could be doing better."


Me too! I am PTA president of my kids Middle School. I can't tell you how many times I have heard my kid is gifted or honor roll but still needs to be pushed!! For petesakes when is this going to stop??


Second, EVERYONE thinks their kid is gifted or worthy of honor roll. Some kids truly ARE, but those who need to be pushed, prodded, or cajoled ARE NOT gifted!

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 11:19am

Technically my ds is gifted, IQ-wise, but he does sometimes need to be assisted in getting new material that teachers don't convey in the style he needs, as he's quite visual-spatial and they teach more to auditory learners here, or so it seems. I don't consider this pushing or prodding, but working with his learning style since I'm able to take the time to do this with him (again, ONLY at his request). He is NOT making As this year; he was straight-A last year. I don't see this as a g/t issue; I see it as a learning/teaching style issue on brand new material that isn't coming as easily as much has in the past. FWIW.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 11:26am

Here's some more food for thought: Most average students CAN do better whether we'd like to admit it or not. Most people can as well. Can you think of things that you could do better? I know I can. It is simply a matter of knowing your child and their capabilities. It is not wrong to encourage your child to do their best. In fact, if your child is giving you indication that they are not doing their best, it is a parent's job to encourage that child through whatever method works. Most 13yo's are going to take the easy way out; we either let them get away with it or we encourage them to do their best. There is a big difference in parenting there, IMO.

Also, people tend to throw the word 'gifted' around a lot. Out of 100 kids, my feeling would be maybe 1 is gifted. There is a HUGE difference between a kid being able to make the honor roll and being a gifted child. My feeling is that the majority of kids (i'd say minimum 50%) are honor-roll capable given the right encouragement and tools.

The problem is that people disagree on what is encouragement and what is helicoptering. Guidance is not helicoptering; guidance is encouragement. Two very different things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 2:16pm

Hi, I didn't mean to imply that children don't need encouragement. I think it is our duty as parents to encourage our children. I assure you I am not lassaiz-faire regarding my children's education. I feel when children are doing the best they can, as you stated your son said in your oringinal post, it might be fair to back off a little. When my kid says he is doing the best he can, is doing B+/B work and his teachers (who are professionals) concur that he is not honors material I have to hear that for what it is. Further I think a kid who appreciates working hard for his marks, whatever the reward, is owning his educational responsibilities. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.


Only you know your kid, so if you think prodding him is the right medicine then keep on doing it. I think its important to look at a problem from other angles and perhaps look at it from the kid's perspective. Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:37pm

Well, like I said, from what I see he is not putting enough effort into his work. His teachers see it, his parents see it; he is the only one that doesn't see it. That's why it is such an issue. The mistakes he has made on his math tests are careless, also.

I also explained to him that he owes it to himself to see what happens if he studies hard. Just see what happens. If he is still getting the B/B+'s, then, ok I will have done all I can. If what happens is what I think is going to happen, he'll be glad I encouraged him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:04pm

I have little doubt he could be doing better if he tried

BTDT

Ultimately, though, you're stuck because he is at that age where he has to be the one to follow through. You can talk, you can pull out the entrance stats for colleges, you can limit video games and TV but it has to be important to him.

I also found with the two of my three that are like yours that teachers tell them something like the following

"OK, you might be getting away with not studying this year in German 1 but next year in German 2, you will HAVE to study"

German 2 they get the same lecture about German 3

My middle son heard this one so much he shut down. It did happen eventually, of course. He hit the proverbial wall-hard- but I do sympathize that, from their inexperienced perspective, they've heard 15 dire predictions and none have yet come true

So, be careful with the dire predictions. Stick to this year and next year. Or, if he is gung ho on a certain college, go ahead and pull the stats

Just dont overdo it-make it the type of presentation you would give to an adult colleague. Back up your words

Then, relax. You have done what you can and it's in his hands

If he screws up, focus on keeping him in the honors track in the other classes. This too will look good when college comes. It IS possible to catch up in honors math by taking two classes a semester; its not recommended but if he decides he made a mistake two years from now, its fixable. You can often make arrangements with your community college to fill those 'gaps' as well.

DS2 did not get in to his first choice school despite ACTs in the top 3% first time out. He was shook up pretty good-his grades were Bs and his class rank was nothing special because he opted out of many honors classes along the way

So, mom was right all along(and pat me on the back for not pointing that out and rubbing salt in the wound; it hasnt been easy)

I honestly dont think there is anything I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome but I always think its easier as a mom to know that you did SOMETHING and tried than live with guilt you just let it be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:28pm

I honestly dont think there is anything I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome but I always think its easier as a mom to know that you did SOMETHING and tried than live with guilt you just let it be.>>>>>

That is exactly where I am right now. Today he took a math test, which I'm hoping he did really well on for a reason other than the obvious. He studied really hard for this test and came home and thought he got all the problems right. Usually that means he got a couple wrong because he makes computational errors; but we talked about strategies for some of his carelessness and I'm hoping some of it worked.

I am hoping he did really well simply because I will have proved my point: that if he puts the time into it, he will do well. The thing is, he really wants to go to college. One of the schools he is talking about is BC. Well, I do happen to know that to get into BC you need a GPA of about 3.8 and I told him this. He started figuring out what kinds of grades he would need to get into BC. So, it is in there somewhere, it just needs to be pulled out.

He is a good kid; I'm learning that this is very typical of 8th grade boys. But if I took him at his word that he is trying his best when everyone around him knows he isn't, I am doing a disservice to him. I know I can't make him drink, but I can do whatever is in my power to lead him to water. Once I've led him to the water, I can let it go.

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