the Mouth and Attitude are Killing me
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the Mouth and Attitude are Killing me
| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:48am |
My 13 yo DS seems to have a congenital problem with attitude and mouthing off.
Please. Tell me there is some way to fix this before I explode or run away.
This has been an off/on problem for years, but now its worse. I know some people say "pick your battles" but having a child speak to you like you are an idiot not a battle I want to let slide.
What consequences do you use that have been effective in quelling the snotty response/attitudes?
Please. Tell me there is some way to fix this before I explode or run away.
This has been an off/on problem for years, but now its worse. I know some people say "pick your battles" but having a child speak to you like you are an idiot not a battle I want to let slide.
What consequences do you use that have been effective in quelling the snotty response/attitudes?

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"A little respect is in order" usually toned things down with my kids, as did "are you sure you want to tell me that with that tone of voice?"
Hi Karen. I am new to these boards but I know what you are talking about. I'm with you on not being willing to let mouthy attitude go. My teens are girls but I have a DS 12 who has lately begun treating me like I am on the same intellectual scale as a banana slug. I don't let it slide bc I believe that in part this battle will determine how he feels women should be treated in general. I know that it is a part of the distancing from mom thing but it is still unacceptable to be disrespectful.
I don't know if it's the "right thing" or not but I point out...loudly at times...that disrespect is never OK. However, I also let him know that if he has a suggestion or argument, as long as he is respectful, I will listen. I take away privleges, electronics etc. if he doesn't get the picture.
My mom would never allow disagreement or criticism and it has had a lasting negative impact on our adult relationship so I have always encouraged my kids to let me know honestly if I was out of line or bugging them or something. However, since they were itty bitty they have had to say whatever it was calmly (sort of) and respectfully.
I was talking with a girl friend recently about this subject and it seems to be universal. It's hormonal, it's psychological and we aren't alone. Our sons future wives will thank us one day.
I don't know what it was like when you were growing up, but I remember giving my mom plenty of "grief". Sometimes the attitude rubs off the people they hang around at school or their friends and the way they've seen friends treat their parents.
There needs to be ground rules and among them is you don't speak disrespectfully to your parents. You may say some things to your friends, but those same words aren't acceptable terms to be using when talking to your parents.
My older son wasn't a problem and is now away to TX to school. My younger son is the one with the potty mouth and attitude. Alot of it has to do with the music and lack of restraint in many young people. Parents of some teenagers are afraid of speaking up to their sons/daughters as they don't want to be seen as meanies, but we're supposed to teach our teens how to behave properly in the outside world so they aren't unbearable to be around.
Sorry for my rantings, but it is always breaks down to "pick your battles wisely". "Don't sweat the small stuff" also is easier said than done. Sometimes our children are testing our determination to stick to the rules we've always taught them were important. They also want to show us they are capable of acting like grown ups even if the grown ups they are acting like, are more child-like than some children.
In our home there are heavy consequences. The result is an immediate removal from the family for the remainder of the day. This includes all activities, plans and even eating with the family. You disrespect any member of the family and you loose the privelege of being with the family.
Appologies are expected and a fresh start is given just prior to our family Bible and prayer time.
I think my son has had to experience this twice. Though I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the wise cracks and smart remarks. He's joking around and such and that's fine, when with his friends (though even then I'd prefere he not lower himself to such a level), I can't seem to get him to remember not to be like that around us.
stacy
I know you don't want to hear "don't sweat the small stuff" and "pick your battles wisely" but IMO it's the basis of parenting teens.
As for "dont sweat the small stuff", I guess I don't consider mouthing off to your parent as "small stuff". And I admit, it annoys me even more when we are out in public with friends and it happens. Your choice may be different, but for me this is not just small stuff. This is a battle I DO choose, and I need some ideas on consequences that work.
I just don't see this as being a response of a poor teenager who is overwhelmed with criticism and measuring up to adults. Yes, sometimes that happens. But his mouthiness and attitude can erupt during the most pleasant and innocuous of conversations, as well as when he doesn't get what he wants. It's not a new trait, but it seems to be increasing. Sometimes I deal with this multiple times a day almost every day. I see this as a behavior that needs to change.
Hey, I wouldn't live with a spouse who belittled or demeaned me on a semi-regular basis -- why should my child be allowed to treat me that way. In fact, I think if there are not consequences for this it just teaches him that he can be verbally abusive to people when he feels like it. I don't want his future wife to experience this.
That little vent said ... please. Give me some ideas what you have tried that seemed to make an impression. I was interested in the comment about grounding from all family activities. What's hard about that for me is that there's just me and him. So if he's grounded, I'm grounded too!!!
Karen
When I get an especially bad dose of attitude or mouthing-off from either of my kids, I withdraw one of their favorite privileges for several hours or for a day. For my DD15, that would be use of the computer. For my DS13, it would be TV. But I certainly don't do this every time--usually just pointing out the way they are speaking is enough. They really don't seem to realize what they're doing most of the time. I find that it's harder to take from my son. I think it's because of the deeper voice, it just sounds worse or something!
I think it's really important for parents to call their kids on this kind of behavior, at least making them aware of it if nothing else. I'm thinking of one 14-year-old student I had this year, in particular, who had such an obnoxious attitude towards me. I honestly don't think his parents ever told him it was wrong to speak to adults that way. When I called him on it and gave him a detention, I got all kinds of notes from his mommy making excuses for why he couldn't stay after school, I was being too hard on him, etc., etc. I think anything you do is better than nothing!
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