the Mouth and Attitude are Killing me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
the Mouth and Attitude are Killing me
11
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:48am
My 13 yo DS seems to have a congenital problem with attitude and mouthing off.
Please. Tell me there is some way to fix this before I explode or run away.
This has been an off/on problem for years, but now its worse. I know some people say "pick your battles" but having a child speak to you like you are an idiot not a battle I want to let slide.
What consequences do you use that have been effective in quelling the snotty response/attitudes?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 1:08pm
When DD was 12 and 13, I was pretty sure one of us would never make it to her 14th birthday!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:18pm

"A little respect is in order" usually toned things down with my kids, as did "are you sure you want to tell me that with that tone of voice?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:40pm

Hi Karen. I am new to these boards but I know what you are talking about. I'm with you on not being willing to let mouthy attitude go. My teens are girls but I have a DS 12 who has lately begun treating me like I am on the same intellectual scale as a banana slug. I don't let it slide bc I believe that in part this battle will determine how he feels women should be treated in general. I know that it is a part of the distancing from mom thing but it is still unacceptable to be disrespectful.

I don't know if it's the "right thing" or not but I point out...loudly at times...that disrespect is never OK. However, I also let him know that if he has a suggestion or argument, as long as he is respectful, I will listen. I take away privleges, electronics etc. if he doesn't get the picture.

My mom would never allow disagreement or criticism and it has had a lasting negative impact on our adult relationship so I have always encouraged my kids to let me know honestly if I was out of line or bugging them or something. However, since they were itty bitty they have had to say whatever it was calmly (sort of) and respectfully.

I was talking with a girl friend recently about this subject and it seems to be universal. It's hormonal, it's psychological and we aren't alone. Our sons future wives will thank us one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:05am

I don't know what it was like when you were growing up, but I remember giving my mom plenty of "grief". Sometimes the attitude rubs off the people they hang around at school or their friends and the way they've seen friends treat their parents.

There needs to be ground rules and among them is you don't speak disrespectfully to your parents. You may say some things to your friends, but those same words aren't acceptable terms to be using when talking to your parents.

My older son wasn't a problem and is now away to TX to school. My younger son is the one with the potty mouth and attitude. Alot of it has to do with the music and lack of restraint in many young people. Parents of some teenagers are afraid of speaking up to their sons/daughters as they don't want to be seen as meanies, but we're supposed to teach our teens how to behave properly in the outside world so they aren't unbearable to be around.

Sorry for my rantings, but it is always breaks down to "pick your battles wisely". "Don't sweat the small stuff" also is easier said than done. Sometimes our children are testing our determination to stick to the rules we've always taught them were important. They also want to show us they are capable of acting like grown ups even if the grown ups they are acting like, are more child-like than some children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:30am

In our home there are heavy consequences. The result is an immediate removal from the family for the remainder of the day. This includes all activities, plans and even eating with the family. You disrespect any member of the family and you loose the privelege of being with the family.

Appologies are expected and a fresh start is given just prior to our family Bible and prayer time.

I think my son has had to experience this twice. Though I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the wise cracks and smart remarks. He's joking around and such and that's fine, when with his friends (though even then I'd prefere he not lower himself to such a level), I can't seem to get him to remember not to be like that around us.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:42am

I know you don't want to hear "don't sweat the small stuff" and "pick your battles wisely" but IMO it's the basis of parenting teens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:30am
I have to take issue a little bit on this one. I do agree that most kids are probably much more respectful outside of the home than they are (at times) to their own parents. But I have seen plenty of "attitude" in the 8th graders I've taught. I often wonder if these are the kids who don't face any consequences for their disrespectful behavior at home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:55am

As for "dont sweat the small stuff", I guess I don't consider mouthing off to your parent as "small stuff". And I admit, it annoys me even more when we are out in public with friends and it happens. Your choice may be different, but for me this is not just small stuff. This is a battle I DO choose, and I need some ideas on consequences that work.

I just don't see this as being a response of a poor teenager who is overwhelmed with criticism and measuring up to adults. Yes, sometimes that happens. But his mouthiness and attitude can erupt during the most pleasant and innocuous of conversations, as well as when he doesn't get what he wants. It's not a new trait, but it seems to be increasing. Sometimes I deal with this multiple times a day almost every day. I see this as a behavior that needs to change.

Hey, I wouldn't live with a spouse who belittled or demeaned me on a semi-regular basis -- why should my child be allowed to treat me that way. In fact, I think if there are not consequences for this it just teaches him that he can be verbally abusive to people when he feels like it. I don't want his future wife to experience this.

That little vent said ... please. Give me some ideas what you have tried that seemed to make an impression. I was interested in the comment about grounding from all family activities. What's hard about that for me is that there's just me and him. So if he's grounded, I'm grounded too!!!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 11:30am

When I get an especially bad dose of attitude or mouthing-off from either of my kids, I withdraw one of their favorite privileges for several hours or for a day. For my DD15, that would be use of the computer. For my DS13, it would be TV. But I certainly don't do this every time--usually just pointing out the way they are speaking is enough. They really don't seem to realize what they're doing most of the time. I find that it's harder to take from my son. I think it's because of the deeper voice, it just sounds worse or something!

I think it's really important for parents to call their kids on this kind of behavior, at least making them aware of it if nothing else. I'm thinking of one 14-year-old student I had this year, in particular, who had such an obnoxious attitude towards me. I honestly don't think his parents ever told him it was wrong to speak to adults that way. When I called him on it and gave him a detention, I got all kinds of notes from his mommy making excuses for why he couldn't stay after school, I was being too hard on him, etc., etc. I think anything you do is better than nothing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:13am
ive had the same problem lately and most recently the worst of the worst with my dd, our situation is a bit odd so it makes things little harder, i am her sister and i took custody of her when our mother died so i have two roles, mommy substitue and sister, so its hard for us, but i was going crazy with her just a few weeks ago and vented on here about it several times and finally the straw that broke the camels back came along and i sat her down and we had a very long talk for over an hour, i had her sit and look me in the eye and told her not to speak until i told her it was her turn to speak and then i laid it all out on the line and laid out some rules for the car which was the bigger issue that we had with her disrespect, then i allowed her to speak to me about how she felt and why she felt she was acting so terribly and then i spoke to her about those things and then we continued in a back and forth manner that brought all problems to the surface and they were faced, so i think that u have to be the one in control and force the eye contact and mouth shut until its ur turn to speak rule until u have said what u need to say and then the discussion opens up alot of things that can be sorted through, so far so good for me, she has been much better and we are trying to focus on a sister relationship since she is 18 now but she knows the mommy daughter relationship still comes into play when it comes to her disrespecting me or her safety, so i laid out the rule and so far she has been great and ive not had to use the consequences but she knows what they are...disrespect me and the car is gone...and i will stick to my word on that..so thats what i think worked the best for me and it may work well for u too...although at the younger age of your dd, you may have to repeat this process a few times over the years but whatever you do and know matter how hard it is, stick to your word if the rules are broken....good luck and God bless you...they say it gets better as they get older so i like to think that is true, i never had the chance to be a teenager, i had a sick, dying mother to care for and a 11yr old to care for on my own at 18 so i dont know whats normal and what isnt but i did go to school for 4 years in child studies to teach children with special needs so i learned alot about normal things that children go through and the mouth and attitude are apparently one of them, it takes until they have kids of their own for them to really understand i think....but one day we will feel appreciated and respected...whenever that day comes..it will be nice for all of us moms with teens, whether we gave birth to them ot adopted them, it makes no difference it is still the baby u love and one day u will see that sweet child again...and the evil teen will be no more...thats the hope i cling to anyways..lol...seriously though, everyone is right when they say pick your battles, let the little remarks slide sometimes but when the full blown cloud of attutde and disrepect comes...lay down the law and have the talk and stick to your words..hope this is helpful somehow......

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