Moving Blues
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Moving Blues
| Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:33pm |
Two months ago my family and I moved to the mid-south from upstate NY. I am the mom of 4 girls, 15,12,6,3 years in age. We moved for my husband's job. My 15 year old has had issues with her new school. She is always asking to move back to NY and hates it here. She is now barely speaking to myself or anyone else in the house. She had a boyfriend in NY that she is always talking to. Usually very late at night. I am concerned because my husband just informed me that she wants to go back to NY to be with her boyfriend. They want to get married, which is not legal but still a scary thought to me. She has always been a very bright, friendly person until him and now only thinks of him. She has shut herself off from everyone else. I have tried talking to her but she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. She is making this a very stressful house. I am on the verge of having a nerveous breakdown. I can't deal with the stress that she is bringing on to me or our family. I have three other kids that need me but I don't feel I can handle this anymore. She has not tried to make any friends nor wants to. I have sent her to different functions to make friends but comes home miserable. How can I make her understand that this is our new life and she needs to be apart of it. She is a typical teenage that only thinks of themself but it is taking a toll on the entire family.

Exactly what are her school issues? Is it the academics, the fact that she doesn't feel accepted, fewer offerings in terms of extracurriculars? There may be other things in the community she could do if she isn't satisfied with what is offered at her school.
15 is a tough age at which to move to a new school, let alone a new state and region. And with three other children, it's understandable you don't have a lot of time to help her adjust.
Never btdt, but I think I'd first try having her (or maybe both of you) talk to a counselor at school, who should be familiar with other cases like yours. Then maybe the PTA parents, although at the HS level the parents can't do quite as much as in the EL and MS, when they can arrange playdates/outings with their kids. As a last resort, you could try a therapist, but I don't think it sounds like she's at that point of needing one yet, and you probably don't have the time to get involved in that. She DOES need to talk to someone besides her bf, though, when she's behaving so differently from her normal self. So do whatever it takes to get that talking process going. Good luck!
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I feel your pain.
My husband was in the Navy, so we have moved A LOT. We, too, moved to the South. In our case it is the Deep South. We are in a city, but not Atlanta, which would be more welcoming to newcomers.
I don't know what to do about your dd, but I do want you to know that what you are going through is real.
I was born and raised in the city we are in. I went to college 2 hours away and thought that was far. I thought that I knew this town. I knew which communities were impossible to break into socially, and we didn't even look in those areas for a home. We chose an upscale place where newer people live and that had a really high achieving HS. Suffice to say that we are apparently too new. Being an outsider is real, and, yes, being a yankee doesn't help. My dh is amazed at how money and looks don't count for as much as longevity around here. Ugghhhh. (Which I know is really shallow, but aren't middle schoolers supposed to be shallow? ;) )
Also, I don't know upstate NY, but did you move from a small town? We moved from small towns/schools to a large one which has been hard. Also I'm the only Southerner in the family, so we have that yankee issue, too.
Anyway, the only suggestion that I have is maybe counter-intuitive to what you would think. We tried to get the girls (13 & 14) hooked up with friends by choosing the largest Methodist church and jumping into the youth group immediately. Two years later, I can see that that was a mistake. A really large church has enough people to have cliques. Just this month we began trying a smaller church, and they are THRILLED to have new people. And this is not just the adults, but the other girls as well. I'm thinking this theory might apply to other groups as well as to churches.
That said, it's not been that long that we've been trying this, so the jury is still out on if it will work. DD did go to a key club meeting but pronounded it boring. She's going to volunteer this weekend at a place where disabled kids get equine therapy. She used to ride and is looking forward to being in a barn again. So I think there is some hope. Another mom (who I met at the new church) told me that there are a lot of girls at the barn on Saturdays.
Good luck to you. You are in my prayers. And, by the way, here are some negative vibes you can send to the bf.
L.A.