Moving /ethnicadvice/Bergen Co.NJ
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Moving /ethnicadvice/Bergen Co.NJ
| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 5:15pm |
We're moving to Bergen County and my 13 and 15 yr old daughters are going to Dwight Englewood School If there is anybody from that area I'd love to hear where teens go, what they do, etc. up there. I'm coming from a tiny town where they walk all around. I wonder what it is like on the fringe of New York City. Also, they'll be living in a townhouse, not a house with a backyard for the first time. Is that really a problem for 13 and 15 year old girls. They will be in school on a 17 acre campus from morning until 7p.m. So, it's just week ends. What do your kids do on week ends. Also, if you have any advice on making friends when you move, that would be great. When they were younger, moms met --but how do you get friendly in the years of drop offs. Also, the ethnic mix is different. This is predominatly a Jewish area and we are Christian. One mother said the Jewish girls won't date her son because of his faith. Should I have faith this won't happen to my daughters. I'd hate them left out because of their ethnic background.
Thanks for any feed back.
Thanks for any feed back.

Hi, again, Dary. You're moving? Congratulations! Idk about Bergen County nor that school; I'm in South Philly but I do have teenage daughters LOL.
I imagine that it's not so different than what teens do everywhere, kwim? They love to talk on the phone, I.M. or MySpace, or just hang out. Malls, movies, bowling, eating pizza LOL. Dd15 likes computer games sometimes. The library, museums, the zoo. I guess being closer to NYC offers some other opportunities for them as well. On Saturdays we go to synagogue services in the mornings, and in the afternoon, if we're not just hanging out at home, we sometimes visit friends or my parents. We try not to have to do errands on Saturdays because it's not conducive to a restful Sabbath experience. I will drive to services, and to visit people, or if it's something we absolutely must do (like when getting ready for camp or something like that). They can visit with friends either at their homes or ours. Sundays, in the summer, sometimes we go to a NJ lake if we don't have any pressing errands. Sometimes they bring a friend or two. Now that middle dd is 20, she usually has a job or two that requires Saturday hours. Sometimes one of them will babysit in the evenings. During the school year they usually have homework, so if she doesn't have too much, dd15 can put it off until Sunday, but sometimes she just has to do it on Saturdays even if it is the Sabbath, especially if we have other plans for Sunday.
We live in what we call, a rowhouse, and the new age term is townhouse LOL. So we've never had a yard. I guess my kids grew up a bit differently living in an urban area, than I did living in a more suburban area. They never rode bikes just for fun (I think two of them don't even know how to ride a bike!), never ran around catching fireflies (aka lightning bugs), never played kickball, whiffle ball, or even just "catch" in the yard, never had their own swing set or sandbox, never climbed a tree or went for a walk in the woods. But they had a wading pool when they were little, and trips to the local pools when they were bigger. They played "Running Bases", kick the can, and tossed their outgrown sneakers up over the telephone/cable wires LOL! They watch the parade with us in the roped off streets on New Year's Day if it's not too cold. I take them to museums and the zoo on my days off, not to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping like my Mom used to do with us. We can walk to their dance school, the playground and the library, we didn't have to take the car. So I don't know. Have you asked them how important it is to them, to have a yard?
Why will they have such a long school day? When will you ever get to see them?
I don't really have advice for friend making, I'm still working on that and I've been here 23 years LOL. Is there a church you will go to? Are there family events at school? If not, you could start one!
Dating, well, it's like parents everywhere. You will always have parents who only want their kids to date "their" kind, no matter what that kind is kwim? There's always the mindset that different=not-good-to-date. And there are always the kids who buy into what their parents say, and those who make their own decisions. There are also many parents around (like dh & myself) who just want their kids to be happy and self-sufficient and successful, and want them to only date guys who respect them, etc. So how about school friends? Youth group outside of school? (Also good for Idk-what-to-do-itis on some weekends!)
I chose to send my kids to private religious school purposely, knowing that they'd have one foot in that community, and we live in a mostly non-Jewish Christian area so they have one foot in this diverse community. They are friends with Jews, Christians, white kids, black kids, Gay kids, heteros, Asian kids, 2 Arabs, Latino kids ... always have been and probably always will. Diversity rocks, man. Our differences are only skin deep, but deeper down at heart, we're all the same!
I'd hate my kids to be left out for any reason. Growing up super shy, it amazes me how many friends they all have/had :D!
TTFN.
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In peace,
Max
In peace,
Max
I'm not from that area but I have some moving advice.
Have your kids get involve in school activities will really help them to make friends quickly and feel that they belong. Drama club, choir, orchestra, science club, school newspaper, student counsel, yearbook committee, events committee etc.. Also check your local library for activies and events for teens.
As for the dating. I'm really not sure what the problem here is. As Christian parents, we do not allow our son to date someone who is not a Christian. Just as a Jewish mom would instruct her son to date only Jewish girls. It's not an ethnic issue, it's a religious one and one that is common to both faiths.
stacy
Hi!
Thanks for your note. Yes, that is a great idea. I'm going to follow that advice for my two daughters and myself. I hope to join a reading group--as mothers don't get together as much with the children as they get older. My only concern about backgrounds is that while we love the diversity that is in this area--in some cases Christians are in a small minority and I just hope my girls are invited and included in get-togethers so they have enough of a social life. The town where our townhouse is located is something like 90% Korean for example--the signs on the stores are in that language. We have two darling Korean adopted cousins in our family. But I've never lived any place where my children will be the minority. They love meeting people from all over though. Also, we'll met such nice people from the new area so far when we visited. So, I think it will be an interesting adventure and I'm sure they'll make lots of new friends. They aren't old enough to date (they're only 13 and 15.) The ferry taking my husband to work is only a seven minute ride! Right now, his commute runs two hours each way. So, we're really looking forward to that burden being off him and having more family time. Thanks so much for writing--and all my best wishes to your family!
Dar, I'll trade you lifestyles LOL. My kids have only lived where we ARE the minority, but I did that on purpose, because I grew up where we were slightly the majority, and as an adult, I couldn't wait to get away from what I felt at the time to be an oppressive, provincial life. I worked in Center City Philly, so moving to South Philly made sense, and the more I realized it offered the diversity I craved, the more I decided that that's what I wanted for my kids.
Different strokes for different folks, though. Many families want to continue in whichever ethnicity or lifestyle they value, and there's nothing wrong with that, and many want to experience diversity in all its ways, and there's nothing wrong with that. I believe continuity is as important to keep the issue alive, and diversity is important to promote tolerance and respect. Neither way should be the ONLY way.
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M
In peace,
Max
Wow--thanks for the comments--I admire your courage--I think it's hard enough for teens to be in the majority--let alone the minority, especially if that means they are left out of anything--so fascinating that you chose south philly--my cousin who went to rutgers lives there--part of my family generations ago settled there...I think it's great you tried that.. I didn't even know people moved there...usually you come from there I thought..But I've been away from that area for so long....anyway for us it will be a good adventure...I met so many nice people from there so far...that is the main thing...I am sure things will play out well...just pre-"wedding"i.e.,moving jittersLOL..Youth is great, I remember when I was younger we'd move around like a checker on the board..My kids are more adventurous then I am thank goodness. It is great having them home from camp. Wow--I haven't been to Center City in decades. I used to love it there growing up. Is it still really nice? I love Philly...
Sorry this is so ungrammatical, chopped...I'm half packed up and trying to meet the movers' deadline. Your reply was so thoughtful, I just wanted to jot off a thank you. This is sensitive stuff to talk about--could be misinterpreted. My husband and my close friend think it's terrible to even bring it up. It's just that we came from a school now where there is such a small group, people leave for that reason. There is such a limited opportunity for anyone to socialize. Most kids only had a couple friends, as there aren't many kids to go around. My girls adored camp where there was a huge group of kids. So, I love the size of the grade and student body in public schools. I think it's fabulous if there are a couple hundred students. It's such a great opportunity for the kids to meet a lot of different people. Where we are going for the purpose of shortening my husband's commute, mostly people without children live. People move out when their kids become school age. Those who don't send their children to this one private school, which has a beautiful campus and lovely people and good facilites so we are truly blessed to have it. I guess I feel a little guilty putting adult needs first--commuting distance for my husband and myself. I know the children would have loved living further from the city. We usually make decisions based on them. So, this is new--putting our desires a lot of weight. I think parents are mostly all alike. We just want to make our children happy. The realtor said to me: You are making the move you should make after your kids go to college. So, I hope I didn't let my kids down. It's such a joy to have them home four more years. Many, many kids around here go to boarding school. That's a whole other post. But all the boarding schools come to their school to recruit. It's par for the course here. My youngest has wanted to go to a top boarding school since she was five, hearing so much talk of it from people in our town. My husband and I never went away to boarding school or even went to private school. We don't want our girls to want to go away. Before my oldest was begging to!!! We asked her to try this for a year. But all the kids that are going away--the majority--are excited. I would feel so separated from my children. I hope they don't start asking to go again. So, I'm going to give this our very best shot! I adore having them home!
Hope the vaction went well. Best wishes!
I don't know where in Bergen Cty you're moving to, so it's hard to answer your question - some areas are spread out and quite "hoity toity," while others are more diversified and "urbanized." To be honest, the second tend to be much friendlier in terms of neighbors.
As for being the minority, my kids were the majority when they were born - that has changed over the past 18 year, and my children are by far the minority in our town - my town is made up of so many different cultures at this point, my "average American white kid" sons are by FAR the minority. Add to that the fact that they're both gay, and we live in a SERIOUS football town, and they're going in as underdogs LOL.
I will honestly tell you it has had no effect on THEM - or their friends. They all hang out - they're teenagers - they all like boys/girls, music, pizza, movies, dancing, etc. - regardless of the culture. The music may be different, the food may be different, the curse words may be different, but they all share one BIG thing in common - they're teenagers. To be honest, I do believe it affects some parents FAR more than it affects the kids themselves. They love it. Your kids will be fine.
As for dating, I don't think that will be a problem either. Your kids will meet potential dates at school - and in the neighborhood - and at the mall (being in Bergen County, you're close to more malls than anyone else in the country). I don't think religion will be an issue, because I don't know of any parents here that are not Orthodox or Orthodox-like in their faith that don't allow their kids to date whomever. Those that ARE Orthodox or Orthodox-like (as I don't know the proper term for Christians) are probably not going to allow your children to date their children - but if you're at all committed to your own faith, you won't want that either. I don't impose religious restrictions on my children for their dates - they know their faith, and they know what they believe, and they know the only thing I object to is someone telling them they can't believe it.
And be real - once my sons came to me and told me they wanted to date BOYS, the question of what RELIGION they were was kind of silly, now wasn't it :)?
You are going to be in a great cultural area - literally a 15 minute trip into NYC - I'm jealous (and it only takes me 45 minutes to get into NYC). Enjoy that - and expose your kids to the culture there as much as possible.
There are community theaters in your area that would be glad ot have your daughters work backstage. Like someone else suggested, school groups are a great way for them to meet other kids.
One thing I've found is that unless your children have trouble making friends in general, just let them go - it will be fine - before you know it, they'll all be converging on your kitchen, wanting to make cookies.
Good luck
We're an NYC area family, and I love it for my kids! Certainly my DD16 is more independent and mature than many kids I see in the suburbs. She's also been exposed to people from alot of different backgrounds - at one point I was the only mom who had been born in this country - all of her friends are either first generation immigrants or first generation born in the US. ((similar for my DS8)) It's been so GREAT for them to learn about all different religions and cultures.
The main thing that has been both a challenge and a bonus for my DD is she can travel independently (subway or bus or walking) and doesn't need me to drive her anywhere. It's been great for her independence, but also means we have to teach her how to be safe.
Sue
Hi, I am so under the weight of the boxes and boxes of clutter I'm trying to clear through before the moving van gets here (a few days and I haven't packed yet! yikes!), I can't remember if I thanked you for your note. I think I did because I checked your profile and remember being so impressed with you getting your Ph.D.
Well, so if I did, this will be a double dose: you are sooo cosmopolitan. I think I've become a country bumpkin after living the last 11 years in the country. Your 16 year old dd rides the subway! I practically don't let my kids ( 13 and almost 15 dds) ride a tricycle. Only kidding. But I only let them go to the movies for the first time without an adult last week.
Oh, wow, I think I better grow up!
All the best...