Music Lessons

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Music Lessons
11
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:07pm

Posting about my younger DS, 12. I know he doesn't quite 'qualify' to be on this board yet, but I always appreciate the BTDT advice from parents of older teens.

DS has been taking drum lessons for about 2.5 years now. Two years ago, we invested in a pretty nice beginning Pearl drum set, his gift for his 10th birthday. He has been taking private lessons with an absolutely awesome instructor. We all just love him. At DS elementary school, and now middle school, there is no real music program. As a 7th grade student, (next year) he will be able to take band as his elective. Not the best middle school band on the planet, but still, he will be able to get some performance experiences.

The problem is that he is starting to lose interest, probably for about the past 6 months and I've had to remind him to practice constantly (read: nag) for quite some time. I don't feel it is fair to his instructor for him to show up for lessons unprepared, thus wasting everyone's time -- his, mine and the instructors'.

We've talked about him 'taking a break' through the summer, and that would be okay. I can see how drumming by oneself or to a music CD could get pretty dull after a while. I'm a little hesitant to let him take a break, because I fear he would never get back to it, and then would give it up all together. Considering the investment in the drum set and lesson $$ thus far, I think that would be a real shame. Plus, he's pretty darn good on those drums! He has been taught well and learned well and it shows when he does play. All along he has been saying he couldn't wait for 7th grade to play in the band, now he wants to take a different elective altogether.

I'm aware that as our children grow, their interests change. My parents never forced me to do anything and as a result, (or maybe not!) I often don't finish things I start. I gave up piano as a young teen and regret it. DD had to let her guitar lessons go when hs started because she just couldn't find the practice time and even getting to lessons was challenging and she wishes she hadn't. She also gave up dance right before ms, regrets it and wants to find some summer dance classes. I guess I just don't want DS to give it up music forever because I don't want him to regret it later. But I don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do either. He's not saying he doesn't want to play anymore, just not investing time or interest into it, which says quite a lot.

Any BTDT experience? Anybody force their teens into continuing something they thought they wanted to quit and had the kids been thankful? Or had the opposite experience?

Thanks,
Julie

 

 

 

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:32pm

Hmm. Some BTDT, but not sure what you'll think.

For me, I took piano for 5 years, from 6th grade-10th grade, and had had enough at that point (plus wasn't thrilled with my latest teacher). My mom said fine; and that was that. I could play well enough to pick up music on my own, and liked that better than what I was asked to do at lessons. I don't regret it.

For ds13 in 8th, this is his 4th year playing violin with the school orchestra (well, 5th was not considered an orchestra!). Anyway, he loved his 5th grade teacher. Come 6th, he got the MS teacher who was much more strict but still excellent, and after he saw the HS kids play (who were also with her), he was enamored and wanted to play through 12th. Well, they fired her last year (long ugly story) and now they have this man that has kids dropping the class like flies next year (including HS). DS felt guilty as the cost of the violin was high too, but I told him if he truly hates the teacher, why put up with him for even one more year (he's teacher 7th-12th, no chance of someone else; he just joined the school - dh and I don't really like the guy from what we've seen either).

DS has picked up electric guitar since last July and took lessons over the summer and early fall. He's gotten pretty good on his own and does want more lessons over this summer. I told him drop violin if he wants, stick with guitar - I'd rather have him have fun with an instrument than making it drudgery, and he IS sticking with music...he was elated and I could just see the relief on his face. I feel I gave him the choice and he feels so much more comfortable this way, and picks up his guitar like he used to pick up the violin - i.e., playing it long enough that I have to remind him to do homework, etc. So in our case, I let him choose, and he's getting out of orchestra. He, too, can pick up music and play violin if he still wants to. And maybe with the teacher having such a dropout rate, they may look into someone else and then he could decide if he wants to go back.

Not sure this helped, but at least it's a couple of data points.

Sue

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:11pm

Kinda sorta BTDT, but different (I don't have the $$$ tied up in this that you have in drums and lessons)...

When ds19 was a Soph, he wanted to quit baseball. He started when he was 4 or 5 years old with T-ball, and absolutely loved every minute of it. During his Soph year, he became obstinate, irate, impossible to get along with, rude (you know, regular teen behaviors!). He had gotten into a little bit of trouble during late winter/early spring, so we *required* him to play HS baseball in order to help keep him out of trouble (practices were right after school, so it was a way to keep him occupied until I could get home). Well, I was the meanest, awfulest parent in the whole world. As a matter of fact, to this day, I fully believe he failed one of his classes that 6-weeks just so he *couldn't* play. Joke's on him...he still had to go to practice! He got his grade up, continued to play the rest of his years in high school. His senior year, his team went further towards the state playoffs than they had ever been. He has now wonderful memories of his HS playing days. He has never thanked me for making him play, but deep inside, I know he is.

Now, ds14, is thinking about not playing football next year. We've discussed it, and right now, he has agreed to play, but come his Soph or Jr year, if he still wants to quit, I will let him (unless I need it as a babysitter, like I did with his big brother!). I don't want to force him to continue if he really doesn't want to, but I hate for him to miss out on so many traditions and memories he will have from playing. My plan at the moment, is to try to steer him towards those things, but, if he just flat out states he doesnt' want to do it anymore, then I guess I will have to go along with that.

You might try to find out from your ds what exactly is making him want to change. It could be something about the teacher, or maybe the thought of something new is a little overwhelming. Or, it could be that he has lost interest in that and wants to do something else. Or, maybe he doesn't have a clue as to why. You might try to strike some sort of compromise, like, trying it for a year, and if he really dislikes it, then maybe he can try something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:16pm

I begged for piano at 12. When it got hard I begged to quit and my parents said OK. I regret that, yet I have had every opportunity to pick it back up on my own but never did. I still have the piano. Hmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:15pm
My daughter begged for piano lessons when she was in kindergarten believe it or not. So we found a teacher who was willing to take her. She took lessons for 6 years. A few times during the six years she would back off and not practice like she should. Finally when in the 6th grade she asked if she could quit because she was into sports and didn't have time. We let her quit but she continued playing on her own and won many superior ribbons in competitons. I think if I would have forced her to stay she wouldn't have enjoyed it as much. She is a sneior now and about six months ago asked if she could take some more lessons because she wanted to really developed her skills. Of course we said yes and her playing has imporved so much. I think if after a time of enforcing to practice and your child not wanting to then its time to let them give it up. That is just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:24pm

Julie, I have no idea what advice to offer you.
I know a guy who is a fantastic pianist who is the life of the party when a piano is around, who thanks his parents for insisting he remain with it when he wanted to quit.
I also know adults who are 'still' resentful for having music forced upon them as children.
This subject almost seems to be a winless situation. Who knows how they will feel about it in the future?
As you point out, he is at an age of many changes. Is he concerned about the "band geek" thing? I would think the drums would be somewhat immune to that stigma, as opposed to the more orchestral instruments.
No words of wisdom here, just support in whatever you decide.
D

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:48pm
Throughout my childhood and youth I tried many instruments and hobbies anytime I had a whim, and my mom let me quit whenever I wanted to, except when it came to the BASS CLARINET, of all things. We had a real power struggle until I refused to go to band class in the 9th grade. Then she finally let me quit. Thank God because I never wanted to play the bass clarinet in the first place. I wish she has encouraged me to keep up the flute, or soccer, or piano.
In the case of my DD, she has played soccer, vollyball, piano, been in choir, and done theater. I have sort of kept her involved in soccer and theater even when she tires of them. There have been times that I can tell she is frusterated or tired, and she has taken off a season of one or the other. THere have been times when she has been involved in a play or 2 at a time and at least on soccer team, and after that I let her take a break from everything for a summer, and all this past year she hasn't done any plays, just a few acting lessons at her request, and she has done a little volunteer work at the Children's Theatre. Anytime she has taken a break there has been the understanding that it is just temporary. We just found out a couple weeks ago that she was accepted into the Performing Arts Magnet school in our school district. Yippie. I have to say that at one point she was so burnt out I was afraid she wanted to give it all up.
Good Luck whatever you decide.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 12:38pm

We've been through a couple of variations on this theme but when the kids were somewhat older than your ds. Both kids eventually were allowed to quit their respective instruments at 16-17. We tried waiting it out, hoping that it was just a phase and they would regain interest to no avail. Ds is probably somewhat glad that we made him stick it out through 11th grade because it looked good in his college app to show 7 years of the same activity, associated with a prestigious-sounding group.

Dd seems to have no regrets about giving up violin after 6 years even though she was very gifted. She has recently expressed some regret that she gave up ballet after 9 years.

I suspect that with both of my kids, they had reached a point that they needed to start making a much more concerted effort if they were going to continue to progress and keep up with the kids around them that had both talent AND drive. Neither of them had the spark required or the degree of interest of something. In dd's case I think it was a real shame to drop the violin because she had a true gift which IMO is not something to be squandered. The amount of nagging required over practicing was causing alot of tension which was also spilling over into other parts of the relationships and ultimately wasn't worth the strife.

For the parent, I think we have to look at the money spent as an investment into their future in a very general way: helping them determine their interests and "find themself", how hard they are willing to work at something, any cognitive benefits from music, etc. There truly is no way to put a dollar amount on our time spent driving them to lessons and rehearsals, waiting for them, and listening to home practice. I consolde myself with the thought that we gave them a good foundation if they ever want to pick up the instrument again.

Don't know that this helps much in your decision...good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:02pm

My grandmother was a piano teacher and she asked that the kids and the parents make a 3 yr commitment to this before she would accept them. She felt that for some kids it would take 3 years before they could play well enough to feel good about it. i.e. they would want to give up too soon. I made my kids make that agreement before they took music lessons. Oldest one continued to play through college. Youngest quit after three years. Your son is almost to that point. However, my grandmother did give her students summers off. She felt it was important that they have that break.

You mentioned the amount of money you have invested in this to this point. Do you want to force him to do this and throw more money into something that he may not pursue? I would look at it from that standpoint. The money already spent is gone and his continuing to play isn't going to bring that back. However, he will always have that knowledge and will probably occassionally sit down and play around even if he doesn't continue with his lessons. Youngest DD quit when she was 10 but took piano as an her arts class in high school. She will occassionally play at church. She still enjoys it just doesn't want to take lessons anymore.

You may want to talk to someone in your child's school or church or his music teacher and see if DS can accompany somebody sometime. Give him something to do with his talent. As you say, playing by yourself or to a CD probably gets very, very old. Performing will likely put a spark back into this for him.

I would talk to him and ask him to give this some thought before he answers you. Explain your concerns and set a time to get back together with him. Explain to him that you and your DH have a decision to make but want his input. Then when you get back together really listen to his responses. Take a few more days and discuss with DH. Then get back together. This process may take a while but the communication will be the key to his accepting whatever you decide to do.

Good Luck and let us know what you guys decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:49pm

Well ... somethings in life just sort of work out, don't they?

I talked with DS last night. He said he DID want to take a break from music, at least until the end of the year and pick up again once we got back from our summer vacation. I told him that dad and I really hated to see him give up music all together because we thought he was really good (!) and we felt there would be a lot of performance opportunities opening up for him in the next couple years. I also told him I felt it was important to just consider this a break, and that I felt he might regret not continuing with lessons/playing after that when all the opportunities began to present themselves to him, he will be able to jump right in.

So this morning, I called his instructor. Turns out, he was going to announce in the next month or so his 'retirement' from private teaching. He is graduating with his masters' degree in music from San Diego State University next month and wants to begin pursuing a full-fledged career in music education. He's getting married July 1 and will be going on a 3-week honeymoon. In addition to all that, he plays in an African Highlife band (his 1st musical love) that has been contracted by the San Diego Wild Animal Park to play everyday over the summer - 30 minutes sets every hour from 6 - 9pm! I am thrilled that his band is getting so much recognition; it is really a neat experience to see them perform.

DS is going to be so sad to learn this news! But I am so thankful that he's had these past 2+ years to work with this amazing man.

And yesterday .... I was looking at local dance studios for summer workshops for DS and found one that not only does dance camps over the summer, but also has a 'Stomp' type program for young percussionists as well!

I don't think I've ever met an adult person who was happy with a decision to quit music lessons when they were young. Seems most people say they with they hadn't quit. I think looking at this as just a 'break' is a good way to view the next few months. Thanks again for all your advice and suggestions.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:44pm

How is this for some BTDT experience:


When I was in the 4th grade I started playing the clarinet, loved it, practiced a lot, but the middle of 8th grade I was burned out, and I begged my parents to let me take a break from it.

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