Is my 13-year-old a lesbian??

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Registered: 05-11-2006
Is my 13-year-old a lesbian??
9
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:23am

Hi all,

My 13-year-old daughter has had an online friendship with another 14-year-old girl for about a year. They talk on the web cam, and I've seen the girl - I've even seen her parents on the other end of the web cam. They seem to talk about their Japanese doll collections, art, etc. It all seemed very innocent.

I should also point out that my daughter is a very talented artist and wants to pursue it as a career. In the past year, she draws just about nothing but gay boys (Japanese anime style). I tried to blow it off as nothing because this is a "style" of art, and there are many Japanese comics that depict these types of gay characters.

Tonight, however, my daughter's diary was open on her bed after she left for a dance class with her dad, and I saw that she had written about being in love with this girl she talks with online and how they have flashed each other on the web cam, how they talk about doing "sexual things" with each other. I don't know what to do!! If I confront her, she'll never trust me again for reading her diary (which I probably shouldn't have done, but it was sitting there, and I was curious). But it seems like this is inappropriate and I need to do SOMETHING. Is my daughter a lesbian? Just curious and hormonal? HELP!

She is homeschooled, and it seems that in the area we're in, most teenagers go back to school at this age, so her friend base is limited. I know this is a problem, and more socialization might help. She goes to an art class, dance class and drama class three different days a week. She's starting a homeschool co-op class tomorrow, and the only kids in the middle school class are three boys (I thought this was a problem - maybe not! LOL!)

We are actually moving to another state to an area that is LOADED with homeschool teens and activities - but it's going to be next spring (basically a year) before we have our house ready to sell and money saved for the move.

My husband is actually taking all this better than I am, and he wants to be the one to talk to her. We both agreed that talking to her together would make her feel "ganged up on," especially since she doesn't like to talk anyway, and that she might find it easier to talk to her dad then to me. We're both bracing for the fact that she might be a lesbian - but I'm hoping it's just that she's 13 and sexually experimenting. My husband just wants her to know that he feels this is an inappropriate relationship, regardless of the sex of the other person, because she is too young. I'm just so afraid that she'll shut down completely and never tell us anything again. The relationship may be inappropriate, but if she really is in love with this girl, us cutting it off just may make her hate us and may not fix whatever the real underlying problem is.

I kind of brushed past the subject tonight. I asked her why she never drew pictures of lesbians - just gay men (by the way, they are always clothed and they are never sexual drawings - just hugging, holding hands, that kind of thing). She said, "eww, because I'm a GIRL." I said, "so." She said, "I'm a girl - I don't want to see two gay GIRLS." So now I'm more confused then ever!!

I should also point out that she has always been the BEST kid. She isn't disrespectful, never talks back to me, doesn't give me a minute's trouble - but I'm afraid it's the calm before the storm! She is also just like her dad - does NOT like to talk about ANYTHING. Her grandma died when she was nine, and she hasn't talked about it to this day. She mentions her and says she misses her occasionally, but won't talk about her feelings about it.

Thanks for any words of wisdom.....and sorry if I'm rambling - but I guess that's the name of this thread, huh? LOL!

Barbiegal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:39am

This might just be an experimental stage for your DD.... 5 or 6 years ago it was almost fashionable in our high school for the girls in the class of 2003 to say they were gay or bisexual, but now most of those girls are in serious heterosexual relationships, some of them married with kids. Thank goodness that seems to have gone by the wayside in the past few years... I have DSs 18-21, DD 14.


IMHO, homeschooling is great for younger kids, but once they get to the teen years, kids need the experience of ongoing socialization with peers of both sexes.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:33am

If she were my dd, I would let this go. She's at such a vulnerable age, exploring her own feelings about arousal and sex in general IMO is normal. Her body is changing, her perspectives are changing and, like you said, her social exposure has been somewhat, though not entirely, limited. It's too soon to tell really.

I've know women who thought they were hetero and then after marriage discovered that they were just going through the motions. Likewise I had one GF admit to me that she thought she was a lesbian all through HS and college and then realized that she was VERY attracted to men. She said that she never felt noticed by guys in Jr High and later until after she was in the professional world, where I guess the pickin's were less than slim.

It's definitely okay to talk about sexuality and changes in general at this point, but I wouldn't straight out ask her. When she's ready, if ever, she will come out as long as the communication lines are open and she feels she wouldn't be judged by you or H. You might just want to touch on what is safe and appropriate behavior on a webcam, however. Regardless of who is on the other end, she shouldn't be flashing them.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:34am

Hi and welcome to the board.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:05pm

I think that at age 13, it's too early for your DD to really know herself. She probably has a "crush" on this girl, but maybe it's just more a best friend kind of thing. Also, she is discovering her own sexuality and maybe if there are no boys around, she's feels safer exploring this w/ someone online where she doesn't have to deal w/ the consequences she would if this girl were living down the street. My late brother was gay and he went out w/ women all during high school and was very popular, so you never know. My SIL also was married, had a kid and got divorced and now lives w/ a woman who also used to be married to a man. It's kind of early to worry about it now.

It might be time for you to think about getting your DD to go to a regular school for h.s. depending on how the schools are in your area and why you decided to home school in the first place. Also, if she would like to do that. I can imagine that some kids who are used to being home schooled might be nervous about going to a regular school, but what happens when they want to go to college?

I have kind of a similar situation w/ my almost 16 y.o. SD. Last year I kind of discovered by accident that she had "met" this girl who lives in a diff. state on line and my SD was pretending she was a boy! (She has kind of a deep voice, so it would be easy to get away w/ this.) My DD showed me some IMs that this girl knew all about everyone in the family except she thought that instead of my SD, there was a boy named Matt. I put 2&2 together cause sometimes I answered the phone and a girl would call looking for "matt" and I would say she had the wrong #. Then my SD got in trouble cause she made all these calls on her cell phone & really charged up the bill, so my DH took her phone away over the summer. Then she said she wouldn't be calling this girl. Now she is calling her again and I don't know if she's still pretending to be Matt or what. My DH is clueless and my SD was in trouble for so many other things last year that I didn't even know how to tell him this. He hasn't checked the phone bill since she has stopped going over the minutes, so he doesn't even know she is constantly on the phone w/ this girl, even late at night when it's on a school night. I don't even know how or if I should be brining it up to him. Otherwise, she has mentioned that she likes certain boys in school so I don't know what to think.

Well, this is kind of off track from your problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:13am

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and WISE advice! After DH and I had time to process everything, we both agreed with what you've all been saying - that she is ONLY 13, and that this is a phase of experimentation and exploration of newfound hormones and sexual feelings. We are also well aware that her decreased socialization with other teens is a problem - which is one of the major reasons we are moving out of state. We HATE IT where we live, and the schools are horrible, so that's not an option (and we can't afford private school). So we are moving to a place that has 100'S of homeschooled teens that participate in all kinds of social events - dances, field trips, movie nights, pool parties - I've been corresponding with other homeschoolers in that area already for some time to get a feel for things and maybe already have some moms I'm familiar with once we arrive. PLUS they have charter schools with classes one and two days a week, so she'll get some socialization there as well - YAY!

But you're also right that the behavior she is exhibiting is inappropriate no matter what the circumstances - the flashing on the web cam and reading some of the things this girl has asked her. Rather than embarrass her and tell her we knew about it OR that we had read the diary (both things that would have clammed her up FOR SURE), we just told her that we were concerned about how much time she was spending online, and that although we know she has a couple of good friends there, we felt she was sacrificing everything else for it (reading, her art - she's even stopped playing video games!!) So we told her that we were going to work hard to get her involved in more activities outside the house and that we were going to do more as a family as well (scheduled game nights, which she still loves, movie nights, out to dinner, bowling, etc.) I signed her up for another three weeks at a summer camp she goes to every year, so now she'll go four hours a day for six weeks in a row - she's really thrilled about that.

So we told her she would get one hour per day online. The rest of the time, her internet will be turned off (I have the router in my office, so I can just unplug her from where I'm at) but that she would still be able to use the computer for Photoshop and other things. I told her that if she wanted to look something up or do something other than chat, she could ask to use my computer, and I would let her - monitored - use it for looking up other things.

Frankly, she took it much better than we thought. She said she wanted to do more besides be on the internet, but she just doesn't know what to do. We told her we would work hard to get her involved in some other things, and she seemed pleased with that. We also figured out that the entries in her diary about this girl are two months old, and she hasn't made any entries at all since then about anything. That doesn't mean it isn't still going on, but two months can mean huge changes for a 13 year old! LOL!

So all in all, I'm still shocked that my "baby" could have had this going on - especially without me being the wiser - but I feel confident we made the right decision, especially when I think about how MY parents would have handled such a thing when I was that age (and let me tell you, my parents handled everything POORLY when I was growing up, so it's a paranoid thing with me...)

Thanks again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 10:52am

Your daughter is still very young. Although it may seem like you dd is the only one not chasing after boys, believe me, she's not. And that's perfectly okay. My sense is that she just has a deep feeling of admiration for this friend of hers. And at her age that type of admiration is very much like a "crush". She is a good friend after all. If she was admiring other girls she barely knows and found them attractive or sexy I might consider whether she was having leanings towards being a lesbian but this is a close friend. And the fact that she says she doesn't care to see two girls kissing -- another good indication.

If it were me (and this is just my opinion), I wouldn't be asking her if she was a lesbian. That might be mortifying to her and might destroy the close friendship she has with this girl. It might confuse her and may even result in a backlash where she DOES end up seeking male attention to prove to herself she isn't a lesbian.

She's still young. Let her have her close friend and then ensure she has plenty of social interaction with both sexes. She'll find her way sooner or later. But the important thing for YOU as a mom is to make sure she knows you love her unconditionally.

(PS..my sister is a lesbian and she came out to my mom in her early 20's. My mom actually called her a "freak". That devastated my sister and shut her down completely from confiding in my mom about her personal life. You don't want that...trust me...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:13pm

Dear Barbie:

I think the way you & your DH handled the situation was excellent! No over-reaction and you still have a good relationship w/ your DD. Plus, by making more time for other activities, even though you are restricting her use of the internet, it doesn't seem like such a punishment. She's probably going to be so busy, she won't even miss it.

Driving home last night, I had a thought come to me, since I don't know anyone who home schools their kids. I can see doing this in the early years, but what do you do in high school? I mean, how do you know enough about the subject to teach everything? I graduated at the top of my class in college, attended grad school and I couldn't teach my DD the subjects she has now in 11th grade. I got all A's in math in high school, but since I haven't used it in 30 yrs., I forgot most of it, plus this year my DD has honors pre-calculus and next year she will have honors calculus, which I never took. Plus she will have Physics, Anatomy & Physiology, Semantics, English and I don't even remember what else, all on the honors level. She is in a much bigger high school than I went to. I had about 200 kids in my class, where she has about 450, so there is opportunity to take a lot of subjects that we didn't have. I am just curious about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 2:28pm

Hi again!

I probably should have reiterated that IF my daughter turns out one day to be a lesbian, I would love her just the same and unconditionally. Even though I have no problem whatsoever with homosexuality (and have a few gay and lesbian friends, especially in the homeschool community since they generally find more acceptance there for their children's education), I have to admit with honesty that I would be happier if she had a heterosexual relationship. I hope that doesn't offend anyone here - I just think as parents, we tend to imagine marriage to someone of the opposite sex. But if it turns out differently, my love would not change and I would not make her feel guilty or like a freak for her choice. My husband feels the same.

MUSICLOVER - I know what you mean about homeschooling difficult subjects. She's only in middle school, and I'm getting that now! LOL! Actually, there are lots of options when that happens. First, she uses a software curriculum that has all kinds of teaching videos, etc., and so far, she has had no problem understanding concepts for math, science, etc. and getting very good grades. If she were to reach an area that she couldn't understand (which I suspect will be soon!) and that I couldn't help her with, there are LOTS of places that offer classes just for homeschoolers taught by either qualified teachers, or those who are working in the fields (scientists or mathmeticians, college professors, etc. who usually homeschool their children as well). They offer their expertise to teaching the kids. There are also "school" type settings where kids attend two or three classes per week in more difficult subjets (or subjects parents just don't want to teach themselves). Also, community colleges in most areas now offer classes to homeschoolers, usually starting at age 14. When we move, I plan to have my daughter attend some of those classes. Once they reach 16, they can even start using them as actual college credits. California is extremely progressive with these types of learning environments - they have TONS of opportunities at community colleges for kids starting at 14, plus they have charter schools for homeschoolers. Hence why we are moving there! LOL!

Hope that helps,
Rene'

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:43pm

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This could be her way of telling you by leaving it for you to find.I know alot of parents who turn there backs on there kids when they find out there gay or lesbian but they are your childern no matter what you loved them before and you can still love her know. I am not saying she is but you need to be there for her. My sister hid it for years from family and friends because she didn't want to be looked at like a freak but she was so unhappy and she tryed to kill herself. Its hard to be someone your not.I kind of new and told her I don't love you because of what you are I love you for who your are and I love everything about you and she told me.She came out and told the family and started to bring her girlfriend over and I could see how she changed and felt better about who she was. My dad took it hard but never let her know. Thats his daughter hes not going to stop loving her. Sadly My sister died on 911 just as her life finely took off and she started to live. She was happy had someone in her life just put a down payment on her own home got a great job was finely truly happy on who she was.But she gone now and she was truly a wonderful person and friend. What ever your dd may be your not going to stop loving her!dont let what ever other people may think blind you to what a wonderful dd you have lesbian or not let her beherself dont make her hide her true self .Talk to her !! ask her about sex and things I have always talked to my kids about everything and they always came to me when they wanted to know something or talk. Your dd is 13 I miss thows years with my to older dd they are 15,17 and braking my heart write now but I am still there