My 14 yo DD has not been the same since

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My 14 yo DD has not been the same since
4
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 2:07pm
her father had heart surgery in Jan. He stayed in the hospital 24 days (I was at the hospital, 50 miles from our home ... for 2 days and then I would come home and return the next day for two more days)

My 14 yo DD was mad at the time at me for doing this. She didn't seem that concerned about her father. As the months passed, her behavior changed. She told me in late Feb. that she was depressed. Our family doctor put her on Zoloft and she seen a licensed psychologist in late March. She is still depressed and still not the same child she was. I'm so worried and confused.

Her father has been sick for approx. 4 years (diabetes, kidney disease - on dialysis, heart trouble, vision problems, etc.) I guess she just can't handle this anymore. She told me a few days ago that she is sick of living in the house with her sick father, she is sick of hearing him vomit, sick of hearing the walker slide across the floor, sick of me doing everything for him. She even asked me 'why don't you put him in a nursing home'? I can't believe my child is acting like this? I can't believe she honestly hates living with us. Do you think being 14 years old is playing into this behavior or the depression is making her act this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 2:29pm
Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your hubby's health problems.

I can't offer a lot of insight into that aspect of your daughter's behaviour, but having two teen dd's, I CAN tell you that 13 seems to be the age where they become very selfish and self-centred, and basically rude and disrespectful to their parents.

Kathy

dd 16 yo

dd 14 yo

ds 13 months old

Avatar for luvmykatz2001
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 9:19am
This must be very tough on you. I'm not a regular on this board (you can find me on the stepparents board) but felt compelled to answer your post.

During my childhood and teen years, my mom was very ill. Her illness stemmed from a blood transfusion in 1968 when she gave birth to my brother. Although we never knew for sure WHAT she had (looking back I think it may have been hepatitis), by the time I was 14 she was pretty much bedridden. I can remember feeling SO much anger and resentment: all my friends had moms who could do things with them, but mine couldn't. All my friends moms looked and acted young, mine didn't (poor Mom was in her early 40's and looked 60). Since medical technology wasn't what it is today, there wasn't a thing that the doctors could do for her; she passed away when I was 16.

It's SO hard being a teen and coping with a parent's serious illness. I'm sure it was even tougher on my mom. Unfortunately I never went for counseling, it's only been in the past few years that I've been treated for my depression (I have also been diagnosed with ADD). I would suggest a few things: make sure your daughter continues to go to counseling, and try to do some things alone with her. She's probably scared, confused and feeling helpless in the face of her dad's illness. What was the relationship between your DD and DH before he got sick? I know when mom was sick (she also had colitis) I'd get mad at her for always being in the bathroom, and would give her grief about always being too tired to do anything. I can tell you one thing for sure, I will regret my behavior towards her until the day I die. I didn't mean to treat her the way I did, but I was so scared and confused. I tried covering it up with anger and an "I don't care" attitiude.

Don't give up on her, she needs you more than you'll ever know.

Good luck!

Nancy

~Nancy~
Avatar for cynthiadarlene
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 3:40pm
Thank YOU Nancy. I appreciate your post.
Avatar for luvmykatz2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 9:19am
You're very welcome. Please keep us posted!

Nancy

~Nancy~