My 14 YO DD won't DO anything....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
My 14 YO DD won't DO anything....
6
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 7:34pm

Hi, it's been a long time since I've need a shoulder to cry on.

Our situation: My 14 yo dd and I have had a really hard time for years. Ex abused my oldest (now 26) daughter, was arrested, skipped, moved to Australia, Abusive partners there, came back to the US, lived in my truck for months. We've also had homes, like in Australia for 5 years, and now have a place for the second time here in So. NV.

The problem is we hate it here.

I had a wonderful position baker/chef in Montana. The F & B manager that I replaced (her position of head baker) couldn't let go of micro managing the baker position.

I loved it and was good at it but I lost my job and subsequently the property I was buying close to work. My stupid soft side kept the horses we 'rescued' from an outfitter that ran hunting strings of horses there in Yellowstone and I was buying the property from, and listened to my son (after having suffered a concussion late last year shortly before all of the losing job/leaving issue) about moving back here in So. Nevada even though he's a truck driver and never around...

I feel so stupid, depressed, frustrated. We are depressed.

I want so MUCH for my DD to 'get' what is going on and help! She WILL NOT do ANYthing I ask her to do. It's not even a confrontation. It's more like I could be beating my head on air. It's like I never even said anything in the first place. Dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, laundry, sorting clothes...In addition she makes the most horrendous messes I've ever had with her two siblings. She'll literally pick something up, put it somewhere else and absolutely not remember she even touched it. When I finally get frustrated enough to raise my voice it's this annoying "I KNOW..." or "I WILL..." She claims that she's just 'acknowledging' and yet every time she says anything to that effect she never follows up on it anyway and months later something simple I've asked her to do is undone.

What is going on with her and my relationship?

I am so tired of trying to remember everything that I've asked her to do in addition to all of the bs I have to do just being the Mom. I don't think she really gets that part. We're in dire straights here and I'm freaking.

It's beyond belief. I have no idea how to address this. I've asked nicely, I've insisted, I've taken privledges away, I've yelled, I've gotten so frustrated I've locked myself in the truck and cried. She has bad hygene, she doesn't wash her hair, brush her teeth regularly, put her clothes away...OK, depression you say? No. Her general demeanor doesn't say that's it, yet she makes no effort to help drive our lives in a positive direction and I'm too worn out to drive all of it especially since she's 14? When they were babies, yeah, it was just something that you did. But dragging an almost adult through basic life stuff? ACK!

I don't get it. She's a really bright, polite kid in general, except she is a lazy pig. It's like passive aggressive (or passive ignoring)

I can't DO pig. WE have a place that I have to get clean so that I can put it on the market because I physically can't take it here. Emotionally and employment wise there is no possibility here for what I do. (Pastry/chef/artist). Physically and mentally I can't do everything including finances, trying to get (some) work (so we don't go broke) and trying to get this place cleaned up all by myself when I have a 14 yo tornado following me around.

I've just discovered that the math means we can't afford it here even if I had a f/t job (My son crapped out on me as far as paying me back for loans) and I know from experience last year that even if I had one, I will be hit with the same problem I had last year. I would work 10 hours, come home, and the place would be worse than the night before...plus I was so tired from working I couldn't (not to mention the feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to) clean it. Every day it would get worse and I would get more frustrated.

I don't know what to do. I love her like crazy, but hate the way she is. I eat tums like M & M's and barely keeping my head above being totally depressed.

Help me please!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:19am

I am not sure that i undertand everthing in your post, you are sort of rambling. i feel that you are really at the end of your rope there, and i understand your stress. sdo first of all, i wanted to understand one thing - is your ex still living with/near you and your family? is it possibe that your 14 YO was molested by him, as well as the older one?

your 14 YO dd sounds depressed,but that is something that should be determined by a doctor, and a therapist. you say <<> well, actually her general demeanor DOES point to depression or some other problem. 14YO girls are usually OVER concious about their hygeine, hair, etc. when someone doesn't shower and wash their hair it often points to depression, or it could be some other problem

the main problem that bothers me about your post - is that you seem to think that *your* life is the responsibility of your children. its not. you are the adult - it is YOUR responsiblity to provide for your family and to keep the house in order. this does not mean that your child/ren should not help out, or that they should not have chores - they absolutely SHOULD. you say <<>> well, she is 14. she is not an adult, she is not the person who should be driving your life in a positive direction. that is YOUR job. i also don't understand what kind of chores you are giving her, that YOU can't keep things straight <>> just make a list/chart of weekly chores that need to be done and who is doing what. its not that complicated.

I don't mean to judge you or anything, and i understand that you are really distraught but it sounds like you are taking it out on your children and you shouldn't. (and again, this doesn't mean that your dd shouldn't have chores). but maybe you should get some help for yourself from some outside person, a therapist or a parenting group, and not from your kids.

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 8:27am

I have to agree with sk1960.


Depression in teens often doesn't look like it does with adults, she very well could be depressed, and has very good reason to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:49am

Hi Minddesign,

Hugs to you, girl. I've been almost in your position as far as being homeless with a child. We didn't live in a pickup but we did live in a 14 ft. camper (I'm not even sure it was that large)

I didn't take it literally that you wanted her to "drive your life in a positive direction", but that you want her to take on the role that a 14 y.o. girl should take on, as far as chores and such and trying to help out to make life a little easier for everyone involved.

My son, now 17, has moved out and is working and going to high school full-time. I'm very sad that he's chosen this route instead of staying with me. (long story, but he says he can't live in "no man's land", which is basically where we live)

But I feel our hardships made him mentally able to go out in the world already. One story, if you don't mind my sharing..... we were living far out in the country in our camper, financially without a dollar, truck was broke down several miles away on the side of a highway, and we didn't have a single thing to eat, and no telephone and didn't know a soul around us.

He had just turned 11. I was bawling my eyes out cause I had nothing for him to eat. He says "I'm going outside". I said "Ok." Turns out he had gone outside and caught grasshoppers, took a fishing pole and walked a half mile to a pond, and brought home 4 fish for me to cook.

So I don't think 14 is too young to help out when needed, and especially with cleaning the house.

Did we get ourselves into that financial mess? Probably. It certainly didn't help that DH had lost his sight for almost a year. Was my son to be held accountable to fix everything... no, but he stood up to the plate and that meant the world to me.

I would try to find some social service that will evaluate your daughter for depression, or anything else that might be going on, for free or a nominal fee. And yourself also. Being broke and unhappy with where you live has to be taking a toll on both of yours mental health. I found that I had like a "situational" type of depression. When things were down, I was terribly depressed... when finances and transportation and housing were ok, I am a really "up" type person.

My son is also a tornado and it was a constant battle at times to get him to clean anything at all. In fact, he sometimes would just throw his trash down on the floor of the living room. I had to be on him all the time, but he has some other really great traits that I am so proud of.

What type of discipline do you use with DD? Are there consequences for not doing her chores? There sure needs to be. If she's not showering or bathing, is she going out at all with friends? Is there something there you can work with?

Good luck and you can e-mail me through my profile.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:23am

Hi,

No, that's not what's going on. Yes, I was venting. There is so much going on and only so much left in my tolerance meter. My frustration level it at it's limit.

First off, I'm not asking her to drive anything, or be an adult partner. I am expecting her to be an active teenage family member and do expect her to keep up her fair share around the place. It's not unreasonable to expect her to take care of her things and not lose or ruin my or the family's things.

Sometimes I feel like I'm digging a hole in sand. I just get something cleaned or organized and she fills it up with clutter. I purchase something that we need and it gets lost or ruined and I can't afford to keep re-buying things I alread had!

So is the general concensus here that a 14 yo is going to learn anything about responsibility if I chase my tail around picking up after her? That she's going to learn how to function by me doing everything and her doing nothing?

I don't know about anyone who's responded or their families, but I guarantee (or, heck, I would like to think) most children do chores, or have some active part in their family. Yes, it's my responsibility as the mom to hold the Adult stuff together. Seems to me that there really are only a certain number of hours in a day. Of course during that time I can do what she can't do in addition to doing what she can. Or I can do the adult things that she can't do, and she can do her share of things that either of us could do. She's 14, not 2. Maybe I misread, but some of the comments seem to imply I should let her just slough off and I should do the "Supermom" thing. Like Eric Cartman walking all over his mom...

Plus I'm guessing (and yes, I could be wrong), that most of the people assuming that she is just 14 so she should have no responsibilities in the household also have partners, don't have to be both mom and dad or the sole breadwinner and housekeeper as well.
(Like I said, I'm just guessing)

No, it hasn't been great, we've had some rough times and now we're here.

We haven't exactly been living in a cardboard box ALL this time. Yes we were homeless for a period after we returned from Australia. I was ripped off and during our years in Australia I had my ID used here in the US so I came back to a disaster.

No, her dad isn't around and hadn't been for years. No, she wasn't molested by him. He left when she was very young, prior to that we pretty much lived in separate states and his focus was on our oldest. (He was brilliant and coerced her to come live with him in our divorce.)

What I was hoping for was a little support and help in trying to find a way to communicate and get through to her.

Like I said, she's intelligent, polite, well-read and well-spoken. Her major problem is she's flat out lazy. When we lived in Montana I would work 10 hours and on weekends and come home to a huge mess. I would come home exhausted (I worked for a large commercial kitchen and was on my feet literally the entire working day) and have to spend hours during the week after work cleaning up what I had already cleaned. This has been ongoing for ages, Australia included. How unreasonable is asking her to put the dishes in the sink and rinse them? What would she do? Go outside and mess around with the horse for hours. "Oh, I had to brush him, or pick his hooves". So, with that as an example, what would any of you do? How would you handle that if you were in the middle of handling bills, or letters in addition to dinner, laundry or...? Shoot, what if I just wanted to put my swollen ankles up for a few minutes?

I don't believe that her 'only being 14' is an excuse to not help or put things away. It would seem to me that that attitude will generate a very disfunctional adult. Unless you expect that she'll live with me forever?

Yes, I'm depressed. Yes, I'm frustrated and overwhelmed at times.

I don't know if this clarifies my position better.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:13am

hugs again

the problem with these message boards, is that we can only go by what we read and understand from what people write. we don't get body language or intonnation, or anything *else* that helps us understand the other person. so --- just based on what you wrote in your first post, I (and others) understood things one way. because that is what you SAID. for example, you SAID in your first post <<<>>> . so - if what you meant was something else, like you feel that she needs to help out aroudn the house, that is not what came thru in your post.

nobody thinks that your dd SHOULDn'T have chores - she SHOULD have chores ( i think that was the general consensus. but --- she DOES sound depressed to me, or sounds like SOMETHING is wrong, beyond the usual 14 YO teenage junk. i would be VERY concerned if i had a teen who was in a daze, and didn't shower or wash their hair. that is one of hte FIRST signs that doctors look at when they check for signs of depression. if your dd is indeed depressed, or if there is something else wrong, then she need some more help and guidance - professional help. please find out if there is some help available to you through social services, a church, her school --- because you both need help and support, and family counseling would probably help you both a lot.

as for the chores - there are ways to get things done, but for starters - STOP yelling and fighting with her.take a giant step backwards. yes - things need to get done, but since they're not getting done anyway, i would suggest that you take a step back, give each other some space, and figure out a different way to get her to do stuff (that is where the family counseling would come into place)

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:13pm

Gee, I have one of these at home too - two, actually. What you are describing regarding lack of help and laziness in teens seems to be a universal problem. What makes it much harder is when you are a single parent and it appears you have no support network. I at least have my dh to help me, and to get after them as well. I also have a wonderful extended family that supports me in many other ways.

I suggest you try and get some support - your local community church is a good place to start. And boards like these can be a real sanity saver as well.