My 16 yeaold has NO friends - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2007
My 16 yeaold has NO friends - help!
5
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 9:38pm

Hi-


I could really use some advice about my 16 year old daughter. She has absolutely no friends - not one. I am her best friend, the only one she talks to, and as much as I love talking to her and spending time with her, I know she needs to have girls her own age to talk to and confide in. She had a couple of friends that she would occasionally hang out with

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 9:01am
I'm sorry to hear about your DD's situation. I can understand why you are so concerned. Is she interested in any activities at all? Is she interested in any sports, or music, or books....anything outside of school? I think it seems odd that she doesn't want to keep in touch with her old friends, especially since they aren't all that far away. I wonder if she might just need some time to adjust. Maybe she's sitting back and waiting until she feels comfortable with the new crowd and the new surroundings. It sounds like you've already done a lot to encourage her. If she's really quiet by nature, she may just need to observe people from the sidelines before she decides to jump in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 9:14am

If she's willing to talk to a counselor, I think it's a good idea. That may help her (and you) get some idea of what's really going on. Some people *are* loners to a certain extent - I imagine my DH was like this in HS - but everyone has at least one or two friends. Maybe "I don't like them" is a defense against "maybe they won't like me". Or, maybe she'd be happier with kids a little older or a little younger - not everyone matures socially at the same rate - one of my DD's friends is 3 years older - the other girl is very shy, my DD more outgoing, they're a good match. Maybe it's somethign else - but a counselor could help her.

One other thought - maybe there are activities outside of school - my DD took a cake decorating class at a local crafts store this summer - no HS kids to be found - and it was very relaxing for her.

HTH

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 9:34am

I can see how this would concern you.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 1:16pm

I'm really sorry to hear about your dd's situation. One thing that sprang to my mind was--has she been tested for any of the disorders like Asperger's? I was just reading an article about it in which it mentioned that people with this condition have a very difficult time with social situations, because they don't pick up the right "cues" from others, and don't understand how to respond or make social connections. And as a result of this, peers tend to avoid making connections with these people, because they come across as "odd" or "different." I think it's great that she's going to be seeing a counselor, and that might be one thing you might bring up with him/her. Especially for girls, I do think it's important that they have at least one or two peers to bond with.

I do want to add, though, that I know some people are just more introverted and more comfortable being on their own than others--my husband is one such person. As a child and adolescent, he was very comfortable having just one or two close friends, and spent a good deal of time on his own. But, he was content with that, and he did have those one or two close friends. It sounds to me like your daughter may not be happy with her situation, since she is so eager to spend time with you and seems to be lonely.

I'm sure it's a hard situation for your daughter to discuss with you, but it does sound like you have a really good relationship with her, and that's a good start. I also agree with the others who've posted about possibly finding her a non-school-related activity to get involved with. Would she be interested in volunteering somewhere at all--maybe an animal shelter, if she likes animals? Or a hospital, if she is comfortable in that kind of situation? Someplace where she would be thinking about others and her presence would be valued?

Good luck!

Karen

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:57pm

I think if she is truly a loner it would be good to get her involved in other activities like someone else mentioned. I don't have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to be friends with some of the kids, but the fact that she seems lonely is a problem.


I think having her see a counselor is a very good idea. I agree with whoever said that she sounds like she may be depressed. A counselor could help with this, and if she is you may want to talk to her dr. and see if a medication may be in order.


OTOH if she isn't as lonely as she sounds and is happy being alone, I think other activities would be a good idea. That cake decorating course might be interesting for her, or a cooking course through a grocery store if you have one that does that, some other craft work class, or anything she might be interested in. But just being alone and having no interest except hanging with Mom isn't a good thing. She needs to be doing something and have some kind of interests. This would be good for her and also for you, Mom. I know I love being with my kids too, but I need my time too, when I can be alone or with my friends too.


Let us know how things work out. Good luck.

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