My 19 year old is driving me nuts!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
My 19 year old is driving me nuts!!!
6
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:07pm

My oldest son who is 19 moved back in with me and my new husband when he graduated from high school in 2005. (He had previously been living with my parents since he was 14 to go to school several hundred miles away)
The town he was living in is very very small and offered no oppurtunities. I was so proud of him when he got his first job almost immediatly and stayed there for close to a year. :)

Then in June he decided he wanted to look for another job as he was sick of the company and working graveyards. I told him that as long as his room and board was paid ( $400/mo) I was ok with it. During the summer he was able to pay his r&b thru varias temp jobs, his income tax return ect

He's a very big boy (300+ lbs) and spends all of his time when he is working, working, sleeping, eating and playing games on his computor (he bought it) When he's not working (like now) the extent of his life is to wake up, roll over and sign onto his computor and the only time I'll see him is when he comes out of his dump of a room for food or if I send him on errands.

I've asked him to clean his room SEVERAL times as it stinks and looks like a dump
I've begged him to join WW or something else like that with me
I've gotten angry and told him to get off his lazy butt and get a job
I've tried talking to him about going back to school
I've tried talking to him about a job
I've tried talking to him about what he want's to do with his life

We've even put a deadline on him to move out....he's almost 20, time to get his own life!

All I get in return is a attitude where he either just says "fine" and does nothing
Says "sorry" and does nothing
or gets crabby and does nothing......

I'm beginning to resent my son! I love him, but I'm really starting to see him as a lazy, fat sloth. (i'm overweight too, but at lease I do things!) and it's getting to the point I'm going to blow up and say and do something very nasty :(

Any suggestions on how to help motivate him would greatly be appreciated! My parents suggested I find some college info for him, and fill it all out myself (they spoke with him about the course) but before I do that, I just asked him if he WANTS to do it and he said no!

I'm at my wits end!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:16pm

Hugs!

Well, it sounds like you did do something - you gave him a deadline to move out. Is that sometime in the near future or is that a deadline that has already come and gone?

IMO, if the deadline is in the near future, then that should be the motivation right there. Let him experience the reality of the choices he's making.

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:48pm

We gave him three months, so that's Jan 1st.
I don't even know if I will be able to *kick him out* when his time's up.

He has no money saved, no friends, no where to go unless he gets his ass in gear! He worked for a full year straight, only paying $400 in bills and the only thing he has is his computor to show for it!

We do have some things I've been collecting to give him, but....

He just told me he's looking for a *good* job! He expects $13+/hour for working one job for 11 months of his life!

I told him he's no position to be picky and get his butt in gear. He just sighs and says "I know" and went off to the youth employment office for a appointment which I forced him to make!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:57pm

Oh - do I feel your pain! My DS18 is just like yours and this board and the independent kids board knows my story in and out. I honestly dont know what advice to give you other than just to know that you're NOT alone. A little bit of background - my son quit high school with only 6 months to go. Seven months later he still has no real job. His life is the computer and online games. He had 3 friends with whom he hung around with. Two moved on to post-secondary, the third is just like him - does nothing but sleep, eat and play on the computer. My son is also overweight. I think part of it is depression but the majority of it is just plain laziness. I have given him ultimatums to move out but never really followed through (the nurturing mom instinct in me takes over). I did however remove the modem from his room about a month ago. He promptly took all his computer equipment over to his friend's house and went there every night. I was hoping that he would wear out his welcome - well he did. The mom said thats enough of that and returned all his equipment. I told him no more internet until he has a job. This was last Sunday. Well, by Wednesday I could tell he was going into withdrawal - only so much TV watching a guy can do. He said he'd make me a deal - give him back the modem and if he didnt have a job by this weekend, he would personally hand it back to me. He said he knows he needs a job, needs his car, needs to do something else. He seemed so sincere and always trying to think the best of our kids, I believed him. He's otherwise a good kid, doesnt cause me trouble so its hard not to give him slack.

Well, guess what - no job as of last night. I confronted him and he said give me one more day to call the people back that called him before the weekend. SO AGAIN I am going home tonite, probably see no results from him and I will be removing the modem.

The computer is the root of all evil for him. It's a horrible addiction and nothing else matters. I know I'm not doing him any good by letting him carry on like this so tonite is the final straw. Like I said, I know where you're at with this and take it from me, you've got to be tough, lay down the law and stick to your guns (not like me).

Good luck and let me know how you make out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:35pm

I went through something similar.

Its hard but getting them out on their own REALLY is good for them

Sure, its hard. Thats okay! Do whatever it takes to make it easier on you. If thats filling out college apps, circling ads in teh paper, or typing a list of references for job apps and driving him there, do it! If its scouting apartments in teh paper, do it!

Dont get hung up on "I shouldnt have to do this-he should be doing it"

If he was doing what he was supposed to, you guys wouldnt be in the situation so let those words go and focus on moving him FORWARD(which happens to be 'out' but think FORWARD)

I found myself cooking absurd amounts of things like chili and giving him those disposable plastic containers of it. It was what I needed to do to know my 'baby' wasnt starving ;)

My guy is doing well-he did have a job when he left but, since then, he found a GF and also decided to attend the community college. He has upped his hours at work because he can get more vacation days and that was suddenly a big deal to him(never believed it when WE said it, of course)

Keep with the deadline and help him meet the baby steps along the way

Consider shutting off the internet-know that penalizes everyone but.....it may be what it takes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:20pm
I would say that he can live with you but no computer, no internet, and then mean what you say and cut off the internet service. Even if that affects the rest of the family. He'll have to get out of the house to find a place to connect. You need to teach him to become an adult or you'll wind up like my cousin who's ready to retire and still has her 41 year old son living with her. You really don't want that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:23am

I have a different take on this problem.

Being obese saps someone of his or her energy. It is exhausting and depressive.
You might say that you have no problems with depression but your body chemistry might be very different from your son's. He is a male,after all and much younger. Nagging and ultimatives will not work. He needs help to feel good about himself. Remember he is using the internet as a life-line to the outside world.

This young man needs help and you, as his mother, are it. The first thing is to raise his energy level and his hopes for the future. Go through your house and THROW OUT all processed foods. Get rid of the white & brown sugar-laden junk. ALL OF IT. Get rid of the catsup (colored sugar) and other sugar-laden condiments. Get rid of the white bread. Get rid of the potato chips. Get rid of the soft drinks. Get rid of the cookies. Get rid of the crackers. For meals, eat nothing that is breaded,deep-fried or covered with thick sauces. Go cold turkey. All of you. In a few weeks, you will notice a profound change. It will take awhile. It will be rough the first few weeks but it will be worth it.

You,as a family, join an organization like Weight Watchers. These type of organizations can be a life line for people struggling with food addictions. Believe me, I know how hard it can be. It's not easy. And if you have a genetic tendency to be on the heavy side, it is doubly hard. No one said it was easy but, for your son's future, it's well worth it.

Good luck and you two will be in my thoughts.

PS.. Been there.