my daughter is changing before my eyes..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
my daughter is changing before my eyes..
9
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:57am
k, I could really do with some words of wisdom here...I've always thought I was a great parent, and had all the answers, but i'm stumped here. I've got 3 kids, 10 13 and 15. The 13 yr old has always been very mature, incredibly bright, and always very close to me. I'm right now, the nerdiest mom to her lol...I laugh, but at the same time, I frown...I miss her so much. She is so moody...hardly smiles, except when she is laughing at the tv. NO, she doesn't sit there endlessly, although she would like to. She is playing the piano, but wants to quit...she volunteers and wants to quit...School is all A's, with not a whole lot of effort...man, how does she do that???ya, she is a teenager, with a mood...but it just seems that nothing I do right now is cool, or fun. She is a bundle of mood...is this normal? If I prod..she's annoyed...If I want to talk, she is just, O mom!!! get a grip...and tonight, I went to tuck her in, and she tells me, mom, you don't have to do that anymore... (!!!) (omg) I told her, I never had to do it, always wanted to...she said, she's outgrown it...what do you think? normal teenage moods? If I ask her, if anything is up, she gets outraged...what would you do? help, I'm lost for words... :( and I miss my sweet pea
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 7:34am
Scary as the thought might be, yeah, what you describe is really pretty normal from what I've seen. I have 3 older boys (16, 19, 19) and they all went through this stage too, though I'm finding that when my DD (12 going on 16) gets in those moods it's much worse than when the boys did. But then, she's always been more emotional and dramatic than they are, and THEY never did the PMS thing! Hang in there, and keep doing the things you do that say "I love you a bunch." She'll come around eventually, 13 is a terrible age for both boys and girls, for my kids I found they start having moments of sanity again at about 16...though my 19 y/os still have those times when I am definitely the most uncool person on the earth. But I'll let you in on a little secret...when the chips are down and their hearts are breaking, where do they go to feel better??? MOM. Especially the older kids, but DD too. Hang in there...parenting teens is a bumpy ride, but when you hit the calm between the storms it's a huge joy too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 9:07am
I feel your pain. My DC is 13 and is extremely moody. I would be fine with it, except she is also a product of divorce and throws in the old "I want to move in with" NCP!! ARGH! I know it's all about the friends and not because DC wants to spend time with NCP & Family - DC has told me and NCP & Family don't spend any time with DC. I would let DC go, but I have a problem with the way NCP would raise DC and the "friends" DC has over there aren't a very good influence. Whole nother topic, though.

I think you're DD is going through the "normal" growing pains...the only problem is the "pains" are your's (or our's as a whole). :( Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 12:43pm
OMG, SNOWFLAKE, I do NOT envy you. My 2 stepdd's and my own dd went through this. It seemed they were miserable and wanted everyone else to be, too! The good news is that it goes away. DD is now 18 and a fun, witty, personable human being. But you're gonna need somebody to hang on to while she's going through this phase. Here's a good place. Don't give up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 2:14pm

Yep normal and her way of breaking away from you slowly. . .it gets so that it becomes a push away and pull close for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 1:12pm
thanks for the helpful and reassuring words...it will be my challenge to let my kids's have the space they need, and to trust that they will come to me when they need help.

This is a nice place to come, full of warmth and wisdom...thanks xoxo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 3:59pm
I agree with everyone's posts who responded, and twoki's was right on the mark, and even said simply :-)

One thing I'd like to add is that when my now 19 yo dd went thru that, I remember SO WELL how many times I lamented how I didn't even feel like I could be MYSELF with her, never mind her being able to be herself with ME because NOTHING I said, nothing I thought was interesting or funny was funny. As far as she made me *feel*, I had no sense of humor and everything was besides the point, and sure not HER point. Acckkk - I HATED those years! We had moments in between, though, and you will have those too. I came to call such moments "oasis moments" :-) - the times I hung onto. She sure isn't like that now, thank GOODNESS. I suddenly have a sense of humor she actually finds funny - *GASP* - LOL. And - well, the list is growing every day for the way things have changed :-)

I now have a 12 yo dd I've always been extraordinarily close to and now SHE'S starting this. I'm NOT cool and I can actually embarrass her - I don't think I was able to embarrass my older dd for all that she did NOT want me to ask her a THING. :PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

The key things I learned in those years are this. DON'T ask her how she *feels*. Not about you, not about her friends, or anything else that could be possibly deemed as 'personal'. They guard those 'personal issues' with their BREATH. And if you happen to stumble across those invisible lines they've drawn, you get what you're getting from your dd lately. I couldn't even ask 'how was school?' some days. Ask her for her opinion on things. Talk about non-personal things. I tried that too and most times it was ok altho there were periods when I got, 'mom, I'm NOT interested in that, I don't even KNOW who you're talking about". *SIGH*

And every so often, if things are really distant, sit her down and tell her that you love her, you don't like the gulf that seems to be growing, that you miss her, that you just LOVE her. She maybe won't act like she wants to hear that, but she needs to hear it. It's the kind of thing that keeps *a* bridge still open :-) And still talk to her about whatever you *need* to discuss with her - things she wants to do you know is bad for her when they come up, etc. My dd absolutely, positively *DESPISED* those talks but I did them anyway. NOW she says those were good things to do. Go figure, lol. I thought I would never hear that kind of acknowledgement before she had teens of her own, IF THEN.

Keep spending time with her, doing stuff you know she likes to do. I can't even tell you the times I didn't want to do this because I felt it would be stony silences, but when we were shopping or out having dinner and I just let her finally come up with a topic to talk about on her own, it was invaluable.

Those we are closest to seem to need to try hardest to break away from us. Maybe because the bond with them just IS that close and that much harder to find a way to become a separate person from.

Hang in there :-) This really will pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:15pm
Face it mom she's not your little girl anymore. What can you do? Accept it. She is growing up finding out "who she is". She's moody...yeah that's pretty normal for a teen. I just LOVE PMS. She is trying to find out where she fits in the world...ok she wants to quit piano...let her. Forcing her to continue will only make her HATE the piano. Who knows in a few years she could go back to it because she acutally probably loves it. It just doesn't fit in to who she thinks she is right now. Of course nothing you do is cool...You're a parent. Stop trying to be her friend and be her mother. Stop tucking her in at night. Right now that doesn't fit in to who she thinks she is...if you force yourself on her she will push you further and further away. I say chill out mom and stop trying to be "cool" be a parent first the friendship will come later (by the way I went through all of the above for four years. Now at 18 my daughter considers me a friend as well as her mom...)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 1:22am
agree with everything you say except quitting the piano! lol...she's in grade 5 piano, not letting her quit until she's done gr 6, and she gets this, cuz man, if you've put the work in, you wanna get some benefits out of it. Grade 6 is the minimum for getting anywhere with music....instead i'm letting her do cool music, like Charlie Brown over classical where I can..we talked about this tonight infact, and she's glad i'm making her do it...life is hard, but hey, it takes guts to stick with something

again, thanks for all the good advice, and hug your kid tight...my kid came and gave me a hug tonight , and that was better than tucking her in... ya get? xoxo snowflake
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 3:47am
So you're willing to bring her to the point of hating the piano? Fine. I quit piano when I was 12 years old after taking it for 6 years, I wasn't interested in going to lesseons any longer. Had my parents forced me to go on I'd probably hate the piano now, which is not the case. When my daughter got an electric piano for Christmas one year I was the one who sat down with her and taught her the basics. I also started lessons again as an adult. As well as taught myself both the guitar and accordian. Had my parents tried to force me to stick with it I wouldn't have bothered with the other instruments. Yes it takes guts to stick with things...but only if one chooses to. Being forced to stick with it isn't a choice. But if you are willing to chance her ending up hating music go ahead.