My Daughter-a clique queen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
My Daughter-a clique queen
10
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:25pm

My daughter has always been a sweet, lovable little girl. All through her life she had lots of friends, and was nice to everybody. Now, she's a thirteen year old eighth grader-and I've been noticing some things that are concerning me. She only spends time with the same group of kids, and is often ordering them around, gossiping, and letting her friends fight. Recently, I caught the tail-end of conversations, which include her saying things along the lines of "Well, she's been such a freak lately. I think we should vote her off the island." I later learned that her (former) friend Courtney was bothering the entire group, and my daughter,Savannah, decided that she was sick of her. Savannah has two very close friends within the group that will do whatever she says. I once heard one of her friends, the one and only boy in the group, say "So, are WE mad at her?" He and another girl follow her every move, and the other three girls who are 'in' at the moment, (they're are 6-8 people in the circle, on and off)willingly follow them. There is one girl in the group who doesn't seem to listen to everything she says, but I'm not sure.

Should I be worried that my daughter is a 'Queen Bee?'

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:09pm
I hate to say it, but it does sound like that is a possibility. I don't know what you can do about such a problem though. Maybe someone else here has some ideas.
The only thing I can think of is that if there are any problems that come up at school because of this, don't bail her out and let it go on.
Sorry I can't say more.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:17pm
Thanks, it's not good to know, but I guess there's a possibility...it just feels like I failed as a parent though. Hopefully my other five won't be like that....
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:33pm
Hey now, don't feel like you failed as a parent. Even if she is a Queen Bee, that doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. Some kids just end up falling into whatever role they have. You aren't the only influence in her life and she obviously has made some decisions on her own. Just the fact that you have recognized the "traits" is good news. Seems to me that most mothers of girls that have that role don't seem to have a clue that this might be the case. I just don't know what you can do about it. Like I said, maybe someone else here has experience or some kind of words of wisdom for you.
The only ones I have are that you are not a failure as a MOM!!!!
Kristie
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:36am

You have NOT failed as a parent!!! You've given your DD values and expectations of how to treat people, and she's CHOOSING to act the way she is.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 9:37am
I would let her knoe when she is saying things about other people around you that her comments are inappropriate and that it bothers you to hear her talking like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:23am

I think that this is the worst age for girls when they can be extremely unkind to each other and esp. if people don't fit in w/ their group, look good or wear the right clothes.

When my DD was in 9th grade, she had an argument w/ one friend who was really her best friend at the time. They both have pretty strong personalities, so I don't know who was really at fault in the argument. Well, it really spread through the group and everyone was taking sides, so my DD ended up losing most of her group of friends for the summer. There were luckily 2 or 3 friends who didn't desert her, but it was pretty horrible for her. Eventually it all blew over and she ended up being friends w/ everyone again.

I think all you can do is emphasize your values and when you hear her saying something mean, try to correct her and talk about how to treat other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:45am

Yes, this is pretty classic Queen Bee behavior, sorry. Have you read the book? Queen Bees and Wannabees. It does have some suggestions for handling this type of behavior. Courtney probably wasn't "bothering the group", the group dynamic dictates that someone must always be a victim. That's what keeps the group going. My daughter was a victim of this type of behavior in 6th/7th grade, and I can tell you that it was devastating for her. Though I can say that when she found herself back in this type of group at her new school in 9th grade, she got out of it in record time! If unchecked and unchallenged, your daughter will continue this as long as she can get away with it. We all know adult women like this, don't we? Don't be surprised if you get the occasional phone call from other Moms, if they can figure out what is going on. Though it is hard to prove!

I'm not of the mind that you can't do anything about it, the fact that you posted about it means you are concerned. That's great, I only wish the Mom of my daughter's torturer had cared about what her daughter was up to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:05am

I haven't read the book but am curious if it talks about the reasons behind queen bee behavior

Is it a control thing? Is it lack of self confidence(usually for reasons we cant perceive because, on the surface, everything is great)?

I would look for the deep reason and go there first

It sounds very controlling to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:26am

7th and 8th grade are the WORST years for this sort of behaviour. Girls at that age are immature and unsure of how to act and they latch onto a certain type of behaviour, find that they are reinforced somehow through "followers" and it encourages them to just keep going. My dd wasn't a "Queen Bee" but she was a "Queen Bee" victim from time to time. Luckily she had a very good sense of self-esteem and was able to head off any major emotional impact but it did bother her from time to time -- how could it not?

Interestingly, alot of this stuff works itself out in a number of ways. One is that 8th grade is the "top of food chain" until they hit high school and bam they are at the bottom again. AND there are other "Queen Bee's" there who might be superior Queen Bee's and then these girls become victims themselves. Often becomes a rude awakening for them.

But it doesn't always happen that way and 13 yo Queen Bee becomes a 40 yo Queen Bee who pisses everyone off and alienates people all their lives. From your concerns, I don't think you want your dd to have either experience so I think this calls for an intervention.

Firstly, if it were me, I wouldn't be afraid to confront her personally and tell her what I heard and what I perceive is happening and let her know that it is unacceptable behaviour. Let her know that you do not value people being treated this way and that if she continues she will be punished. You should let her know you don't approve and won't reward this type of behaviour.

Of course she will roll her eyes, deny everything, say person A or B deserves to be treated that way, is a jerk etc etc. But that doesn't mean you should back down, ie let her know you don't buy it and will be keeping an eye on her and if you get even one phone call from a parent and if she doesn't keep in line that she will face the consequences.

But you should definitely pick up that book to read it and see what it says. Try the local library.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:12pm

Thanks to everyone, I suppose that I will have to use some of your great ideas to reign in Savannah. Some of your comments brought a little insight to me, as I never really experienced a "Queen Bee" through my school career. Cliques were around, but not dominating, at my schools. Hopefully I can work things out with Savannah, with your help.

Thanks again,
Laura