My daughter dresses sloppy
Find a Conversation
My daughter dresses sloppy
| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:45am |
I have a beautiful 14 year old daughter. She has nice clothes to wear but chooses to wear anything that seems effortless or blah. she will wear the same white t-shirt to school 3 days in a row, just so she doesn't have to change her shirt at gym time. she barely wears any makeup and pulls her ponytail into a lazy, low (granny) type of look. she will wear t-shirts almost down to her knees. Her Dad and I set proper examples for her and make sure that she has nice, suitable clothes to wear. When "we" dress her (so to speak), she looks neat and well put together, but still casual - like we see a lot of teens dressing. And when dressed such ways, she looks like she should be in a magzine - just stunning! If the soccer guy at school asks her for her #, she'll say "no", just because he's atheltic. she'd rather hang out with the kid that dresses like her and looks homeless. She almost prides herself in not looking like the cheerleaders or the popular girls. She just shows no interest in doing anything to groom or approve her appearance. Her room is always a mess unless I spot it and make her clean it. She showers when I ask her to - not on her own. As I know, these are small potatoes compared to problems that some may be having, but I want to find a way to get through to her that the sloppiness in her appearance and grooming is sending out the message that she doesn't have any self pride. Any suggestions?

My 14 yr old son 'forgets' to shower and I find the greasy hair over the top(he must still apply deodorant as he doesnt smell)
We made a spreadsheet where he checks off showering and brushing his teeth every day. Its made a big difference. He has had a diagnosis of ADD inattentive-donk know if its that or just that this is low on his priority list. You could try this and add cleaning her room to the list once a week
But I wouldnt worry about anything past what I consider hygiene issues myself.
She is going to develop her own style and, at some point, that is likely to conflict with yours-part of being a teen!
In high school, the popular kids and athletes do tend to be preoccupied with appearances. While there are bound to be some exceptions to that generalization, she has probably found an easy way to be around people who are likely to have the same belief system she is carrying right now. Doesnt mean it will be forever; she is only 14.
By the time she is a senior, she may be driving you crazy with her clothing budget :)
There may be many reasons your DD is choosing to dress the way she does.
I can visualize two.
Perhaps the primary one being a rejection of your interpretation of self pride.
The other being your DD is simply not ready for the “stunning” look yet. In an age when many of the “popular girls” try to dress and act provocatively, which brings all sorts of other baggage including inappropriate male attention at 14, maybe she is coping with what she knows she’s not ready for.
What would you have mom. Short skirt and cleavage, or the homeless look?
My suggestion is to not make an issue of this. She’ll look stunning when she’s ready for it. In the mean time, perhaps you could focus on her other positive attributes.
She might not (i.e. the clothes budget) but mature into a thoughtful, intelligent woman who
accepts herself for who she is. She feels good about herself,no matter what she is wearing.
She doesn't need clothes to feel good about herself. She is a strong woman.
My DD laughs at all the "barbies". They are sooooooo focussed on unimportant things like clothes and makeup. She laughs that they are always "playing with their hair". Don't they have better things to do with their time?
Let the girl be. Have clean clothes available for her. Encourage her to have showers and keep clean. Other than that, let it be.
When my DD was in 7th grade, I had a similar problem. Not so much that she dressed sloppy or had poor hygiene habits, but that she wore the same 2-3 shirts and jeans over and over and over again. She had lots of nicer and cute clothes that she left hanging in the closet ... until the weekend. Then she'd get all dressed up to sit around the house and do homework. Drove me nuts.
Then one day when I was shopping with her, she let slip what was really going on. I don't know what grade your DD is in, but in middle school there seems to be a very definite fashion food chain, and heaven forbid anyone dress out of their social station! Not pretty for a young teen. DD was in the fitting room and I was bringing her various styles/brands of pants to try on. One particular brand, Dickies, she absolutely refused to try. When I asked her why, she told me that the 'popular' crowd wore them. I asked her if this 'popular' crowd had exclusive licence to wear Dickies? No one else could? She told me she didn't want to be called a 'poseur'. ???
Those in the 'popular' crown dress one way, the kids in the 'goth' crowd dress a different way, 'jocks' wear another style, etc., etc., etc. It is extremely tedious and I still am dumbfounded as to how a handful of kids in a student body of nearly 1,000 can dictate the way the rest of the student body dresses. But they can somehow, and do. My DD's solution was to not wear anything that could possibly make her appear that she was trying to be part of a group she didn't fit into -- or was trying to be 'popular'. It was very sad for me to hear that!
Could be your DD doesn't want to be labeled as being a part of any one group. The pressures at this age to fit in, be part of a group and dress well are HUGE and I applaud your DD for not wanting to contribute to it.
I would however, reinforce hygiene and grooming; I'm kind of anal about clean bodies, hair and teeth. Go out and buy her more white t-shirts if you have to so she has clean clothes every day. But other than that, I'd let it go.
Be assured, however, that it does get better as they get older. Well, except maybe the bedroom thing. I don't think that will change much until she leaves home! LOL
HTH,
Glad I could help a little. I know just how you feel. My DD had a rather bumpy ride in middle school and when came time to chose a high school, she opted for one an hour away from home and where she knew exactly 1 person in the entire student body. She really put herself out there to get involved and meet people and had just a ton of fun.
This year, however, is going a bit differently. She doesn't like much about school this year and has chosen not to get involved in much -- not even the activities she enjoyed so much last year. It's a puzzlement to me.
Like you, I'm concerned she will feel like she 'missed out' by bypassing the things I remember being so much fun in high school. But, it's her decision to make, and I can only do so much encouraging before I just need to shut up about it. For me, the time has come.
Your DD may or may not chose to get involved. The year is still fairly new and with her writing and art talents, she will probably attract a lot of attention with kids that have similar skills and interests.
Right now, I am my DD's best friend as I'm sure you are your DD's. Just keep letting her know you and your DH love her unconditionally and things will work out. My DH reminded me not long ago that high school is just a stepping stone for the big things in life and that I shouldn't put too much emphasis on what happens there.
Your DD sounds a lot like my 16 yo DSD, who basically only wore jeans and black T shirts to school all last year. This year my DH said he wasn't going to buy her all black shirts--she had to get some in diff. colors, even if it was gray or dk. blue. They are mostly T shirts w/ names of bands on them. I think she doesn't try to wear fashionable clothes because she's a big girl and can't find her clothes in the regular store. She buys her jeans in Lane Bryant but I noticed that the other clothes in there are really styled for women, not teens. We don't make a big deal about what she wears. We only insist that she dresses up if it's an occasion. Even last year when she made her confirmation, she wore black pants and a plain white shirt. I was trying to get her to buy the same shirt in a diff. color, but she refused. So it's basically that day and Christmas that she got dressed up. She doesn't go to any school dances that would require her to wear a dress or otherwise get dressed up.
She has beautiful red hair but she doesn't like it cause it's curly, so she used to wear it in a pony tail and now sticks it in a bun. It's not a good style because she tries to use hair gel to make it smooth on top but it kind of looks greasy. She also likes black eyeliner and makeup. I have tried to tell her that it doesn't go w/ her coloring, but she "likes it."
This weekend she went to get her upper ear pierced. Her dad didn't really want her to do it, which I thought was funny because he has tattoos and used to wear earrings himself until a couple of years ago and used to have hair down to his waist when he was young. I convinced him to let her do it and she got a little fake diamond stud and it looks cute. It's better than a nose or eyebrow piercing and at least you can take it out.
My DD (17) on the other hand, is really into clothes. It's good she works cause she has to feed the habit. lol I do think there is something to the popularity thing cause my DD will spend a lot of time on her looks, doing her hair, etc. and I would say she is more "popular" than my DSD. I hate to even say that cause I don't think it matters. But those kind of kids are really judgmental about what kind of clothes you wear, how you look, if you're overweight, etc. What really surprised me is that when my DD was going on interviews to get her first job, she didn't know that how you dressed going to the interview made a difference. She thought people would just judge you on your accomplishments. I had to explain to her that if you went to a job interview in old clothes or looking messy, that the employer might think you didn't really care about the job. Plus the stores she got jobs in have dress codes--no jeans or T shirts, etc.
so I guess I would give your DD a break on what she wears to school as long as she is clean and just insist she get dressed up for a special occasion.
Eighteen months ago, I could have written your post.