My daughter is going off the deep end
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My daughter is going off the deep end
| Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:37pm |
She's 15 and I'm about to lose my mind. I'm a fairly young mom at the grand age of 32 so I remember the life of a teenager and try to keep that in mind while also trying to be the parent too. My stepdaughter (who's 14) says I'm cool while laying down the law. Now, My 15 year old daughter steals money and cigarettes from us and if I happen to have a bottle of rum in the bottom drawer of the fridge she'll drink that too. She treats her younger sisters (8 & 6) like crap (literally) and also apparently has guys who carry drugs over in my house when I'm not home. I've tried talking to her several times asking what can I do to help her and what's going on to cause this and all I get is a blank stare with not a single word spoken by her. I also found out that she goes to school telling anyone who listens that we're (mainly me) are alcoholics that abuse her...I work midnights five days a week and weekends my husband and I take care of the house and hang out with the kids...I might have a drink or two on the weekends but usually I'm too tired to drink. I was abused (really) by my mom growing up so therefore don't use corporal punishment on my own children. My husband works days (recently got transferred from nights) 5 days a week and is by far not an alcoholic. She absolutly loves and adores my husband and says that he's the only one that cares...he's finding himself lost with this too. She steals from him, lies to him and everything else. We spend quality time with our kids and we even went as far as to drive two hours one way to pick up 1 of my stepdaughter's friends and 1 of my daughter's friends to spend the night new years eve and then take them back the next day. I took all four kids to wal-mart and spent $200 on just junk food and sodas they picked out. I don't know what to do...we can't be all that bad cause my stepdaughter begged for a year to move in with us. Sure she gets mad too over things like "clean your room" "the dogs need to go for a walk" but she gets over it five seconds later. My oldest gets mad and spreads horrible lies. My husband and I have been together 13 years and have a solid marriage so it's not a "new" situation that she's adjusting too. We've lived in this house 10 years and she's gone to the same school her whole school career so no adjustments there...HELP ME PLEASE!Everyone is suffering from this and I'm so close to letting ehr go live with my mom.

Hi, I wanted to invite you to post this over on the troubled teens board:
I'm not sure I have the answers to this complicated situation. First of all, if I was worried about my DD drinking at home, I would have all alcohol removed from the house immediately and wouldn't buy any more. If you really want to, you & your DH can go out to a restaurant or bar and have an occas. drink. If she is stealing money from you, then I would make sure to have all valuables locked up, putting a lock w/ a key on your br door if necessary. I would also let her no in very clear terms that drugs are totally unacceptable and that if you find anyone bring drugs in the house, you will immed. call the police and have them arrested, no matter who they are. My dentist, who lives on my street, is having all kinds of problems w/ his 19 yo son due to drugs. He told me that he intercepted the dealer once and threatened to call the police on him if he saw him in the neighborhood.
You do have to worry about her telling people she is abused because if she tells a teacher, I know in my state, they have to report the complaint and you will be investigated. Of course, I had another friend who was having trouble w/ her DD (who has now straightened out). The DD called the police on the mom and basically the police told the DD to obey the mother, cause they figured out what was going on.
Since you can't get to the root of the problem, maybe it's time to enlist the help of professionals. If not, why dwell so much on what is happening w/ the little dear? She is not obeying the rules of the house and making everyone miserable, so if she can't obey, you will just have to make her life miserable by punishing her. (I know that's kind of harsh there, I don't really mean it like that, but maybe you are giving her too much sympathy instead of focusing on the fact that she shouldn't be doing this.) I know when my kids were younger and they would get mad and once my DD said she would call Social Services (and I knew she never would), I said "well, go right ahead because I'm sure you wouldn't have a nice room like you have at home w/ your own TV and all the other stuff in there. Then later on, her friend was removed from her home due to having an abusive mother and she realized that they might not even have you live in the same town, you would have to change schools, etc. so she never said that again. Good luck to you.
I know you are tired and frustrated. My DD's 15th year was the worst!! You said your mom abused you so hang in there and do not send DD to her. I did several things that year. First off, I went to a therapist that specialized in adolescents. Literally, I was her only patient over 18. She helped me to understand DD's thought process and worked with me on ways to help DD modify it. I also had DD tested for ADD. She had it and the medication made a huge difference. I read every single book on parenting teens that I could find. I didn't always agree with what I read but they did give me some things to think about. But probably the most important thing I did was to quit trying to be her friend. I had to step up and be the mom/disciplinarian. The discipline had to be applied consistently and fairly. We had to find discipline that worked for DD. Grounding only served to frustrate her more (therefore more lying and acting out). So we found out that additional chores worked for DD or grounding her with the option to have a little time off if she did this chore. I had the cleanest windows and garage around during that entire year. Also just b/c she doesn't respond when you talk to her doesn't mean she's not listening. She's hearing every word you are saying and she will give it some thought so keep on. I had to learn to remain calm about things. DD could push a button so fast or she would change the subject on me. I had to learn to walk away, calm down and come back later.
Hang in there - she's worth it!!
BTW, my DD is now 18 and a sophmore in college (freshman year but has enough hours for sophomore status) with a 4.0 average. She is working on helping her b/f to back off his drinking. She's not into the partying alot. She was sexually active but realized that she's too young for that. She still needs to learn to talk to mom a little bit more but she's getting there. It took alot of hard work and consistency but we made it and it was worth every minute of lost sleep and all those gray hairs.
Good Luck!
Lia
I feel your pain I am 34 and my daughter is 15 she has always been the victim. She goes to any youth group other than the one at our church and I recently found out why, she has been telling everyone that she is abused as well. I think they do it to get sympathy and attention. She doesn't have many friends and the one she does is 17 and is always consoling her (the poor victim) She has never been abused only asked to take care of her room, do dishes every once in awhile and clean her bathroom. She lies about everything. I recently sent her to stay at my inlaws house since she got physical with me last week. I have two other children, one of which is 2 and I am certain this is impacting the kids as well as my marriage. As the oldest child myself and one who has done the same things. I believe it it because they had your undivided attention until the other children came and when they did they feel like no one loves them anymore and they get lost in the shuffle. As far as what to do I believe we are going to let her find out on her own that ultimately us parents are doing just the best we can.