My daughter hates my boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2010
My daughter hates my boyfriend
18
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 3:51am
Due to this and also some other things, such as his chronic lying, we are broke up, yet again. My question I would like to put out there though is this. How much of how my daughter feels about a man I am seeing (this has happened before where she has not liked a boyfriend) should I allow to dictate if I stay single until she is grown and gone (she is 15)? I signed (and think I should not have but she caught me very emotional) a piece of paper stating I would never date him again. He says he wants to marry me. Also, if I can ask for thoughts about my last boyfriend. We were together 3.5 years. This last break-up was due to the fact that he said he would stop talking to a woman on his phone (just a friend he said) but he did not stop even though he told me he did. I can not get past the fact that he is a chronic liar. I will say though that I do not feel he ever cheated on me and if he didn't lie and could get along with my daughter, then everything would be great. I do believe he truly loves us but she can't stand him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:54am

Just a few thoughts:

<< I can not get past the fact that he is a chronic liar.>>
Why would you want to be with a man that you can't trust to be truthful?

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this in light of:
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He might not be physically cheating, but there's emotional cheating too. Are you sure he's not there? I have a foster DS who is a chronic cheater... sometimes physical cheating (though he denies it, I've seen things in the past that I don't believe him), but he has a history of emotional cheating a mile long that often results in physical cheating. And he always denies that too. Unfortunately, my ex DIL ignored the signs and made excuses for him for years but married him anyway, only to be divorced 4 years later.

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He might, or he might just think he does, but why would he chronically lie to someone he loves? That doesn't make sense in my world. And your DD may be seeing him for what he is, and that's why she hates him. OR she may have the safe feeling for any man who takes mom's attention away from her. Guess you have to take stock of which is more important to you... a man who chronically lies to you, seeks the attention (even if by phone) of another woman, or your daughter.

Good luck to you. That may not be what you wanted to hear, but I tend to call 'em like I see 'em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:57am

The two boyfriends you described sound like duds to me, sorry to say. Generally, I'd advise a parent to keep their kids out of their love life, but it sounds like your DD might be able to see faults where you can't, and maybe you should be listening to her when she says that she doesn't like a boyfriend.

That being said, if you are only dating men (rather than moving in with them), and so long as they aren't dangerous, then you can date anyone you like, regardless of whether your DD likes them or not.

You can move in with them or marry them while your DD is still a minor, but if she doesn't like them then it's not going to be the fun, happy home that you're hoping for, kwim. I'd suggest waiting to cohabitate or marry until DD has left the nest, if only for the sake of having a peaceful home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:05am

Sounds like your DD might have good instincts. He's a chronic liar and you are sorry to see him go? She's right, you shouldn't be dating him. Guy can have female friends. As a female, I have male friends from my past

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:44pm

"If he didn't lie, then everything would be great." Isn't that kind of a basic requirement that you would want your partner to be honest w/ you? Things like what kind of food someone likes, or what kind of job he has are superficial & you could change your mind on those, but being a person of good character (not lying, cheating, not being a drug addict or alcoholic, not being a criminal)--those are pretty much basic requirements that would have to be met before I'd consider dating someone.

Most of the women on this board are married to their 1st DHs. I'm one of the few that got married a 2nd time. My DD was about 13 when we got married and she never liked my 2nd DH. It turned out she was right--he had bipolar disorder (which I found out after we were married) but he made everyone's lives miserable. The thing is that he knew that she didn't like him too much but instead of being the adult about it and either just not interacting too much & being civil & waiting to see if she changed her mind or trying to be extra nice to her, instead he constantly picked on her. Her would say "Oh I have nothing against DD" but he went out of his way to point out every little thing she did wrong. And it was really little things--like she left her shoes in the living room. Meanwhile his DD was doing major things wrong, like stealing money from me, for one example and I would say nothing against her. It was total stress all the time.

Since she's 15 and you figure in 3 yrs she'll probably be going to college or maybe living on her own, I would say it's not that long to put off living w/ someone or getting married. It doesn't mean you can't date. My DD is 21 now but I have a 15 yr old DS who just started 9th grade. Since the 2nd marriage was such a fiasco I would not have any man living in the house while DS is still living here. I figure I have plenty of years after he's out of the house to do what I want.

And just think about this--if your DD told you she had a great BF, except for the fact that he was a chronic liar, what would you tell her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:58pm

You should never tell your parents anything negative about your BF or husband because they will never be able to get over it. They love you and want the best(perfection)for you. So, if, as an example, your husband cheated and you forgave him and moved on, it is best your parents do not know as they will never forgive him. My SIL was dating my brother while he was overseas in the Army. She cheated on him and filled him in on all the details. My mother read the letters upon his return and was furious. She went to her grave without forgiving SIL. And now that I am a mother of boys 18-25....I totally get it!

And why am I telling you a story about parents and mothers? Because your DD is acting like your mother, not your 15 year old daughter. She has no business having you sign a paper saying you cannot date someone. Who is the adult here??

Please stop confiding in her and let her be the child she still is.

The ex-BF was disrespectful to you by doing something he knew made you uncomfortable. As someone else said, he could have continued his friendship with this lady out in the open.

Is it worth dumping him over? Only you can make that decision but you have a lot of work to do before considering marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 2:19pm

A good marriage is based upon trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:01pm

I signed (and think I should not have but she caught me very emotional) a piece of paper stating I would never date him again.



I can't in a million years imagine my daughters (both in college) asking me to "sign a paper" stating I'd never date someone. That alone seems so weird and dysfunctional that I have to wonder what else is going on. You're not a teenager, yet this sounds like something two 13-year olds would do ("okay, pinkie swear you'll never date him again.")



I am the adult. My children are my children. I consider their needs and wants and desires very carefully, but they don't get to make decisions for me. That said, I would never date or marry someone who didn't treat my children kindly, respectfully and considerately.



I also would never date someone who repeatedly lied to me. By the same token, though, I really can't imagine asking my dh to stop talking to someone. He just took a trip (for work) with a woman. He's going to talk to women. Unless there was a serious reason (which hasn't happened... but say she was selling drugs to our children or flashing him and offering up sex??) it just seems that he's a grown up and he gets to decide with whom he speaks. BUT, if he's willing to lie about this, he's willing to lie, plain and simple. And you know why? It might NOT be because he's cheating, but because it's easy. So when you ask him to talk to neighbors, he nods but doesn't do it. And you say he should cut down on his drinking, he agrees, but has no intention. And you say that you guys should save your money, and he yesses you all the way to buy his new flat-screen TV.... what I'm trying to say is, it's a lot harder to have an honest discussion with you about this friend and the talking to her than to just say he'll stop. He is going to continue lying because it's easy.



Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 10:51pm
It's over. All is well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 11:26pm
WOAH!! WHATS OVER? Your relationship with this guy? Sounds good to me- but how are YOU? Have you moved to another board, maybe one of the breakup or love and sex boards? Are you getting some help with your feelings and with you and DD's relationship? ARE YOU OK???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2010
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 12:35pm

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