My daughter left today

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
My daughter left today
13
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 9:40pm

After an arguement, my 16 year old daughter, Elizabeth, left today. She said some hateful things then went to her father's house (we are divorced). He said that he would let us both cool down, and we would all sit down and talk tomorrow.

Elizabeth and my relationship has been pushed to the edge this past year, she has rebelled with drinking and gives me bridged stories of her life. Out of frusteration, I read her journal, even though I had warned her that I would monitor her online sites, and found out that she has been having sex with her boyfriend, of over a year and a half. When I confronted her she cussed and screamed at me saying that she could no longer live with me. She did not lie about it, instead in a lewd and blunt way told me how she has been sleeping with him for months. The only plus was that she uses protection and is on birth control. She told me that the only reson she did live with me was because her younger sister begged her to. To top it off, she told me that she was not going to church anymore because she feels like religion is manipulative and a waste of time.

I don't know what to do with her anymore. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and like a horrible mother. A part of me just wants to let her move in with her father, they do have a close relationship and she is, has always been, and always will be, Her father's child. I just don't want to lose her (anymore) in the process. Please any advice would be appreciated.

Some Easter,

Julia

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 9:57pm

You want her to respect and be nice to you when you do not do it to her. You read her private stuff and betrayed her trust.

She should not be cussing or screaming at you but she has the right to feel betrayed and mad.

A teen having sex is not the end of the world. I had sex at 15 and never got pregnant or got an STD. She is in a relationship and using protection.

As for church, no advice because I too believe religion is manipulation and a waste of time.

Why not let her move into her father's house and work on your relationship with her while she lives there? Her moving there does not mean you are losing her but it may be best for both of you to have some time apart and to cool off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 10:22pm

I was curious, Seirith. Do you have any teenagers? How old are you?

Thanks,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:09am
No, I do not have any teenagers myself, but I was a teenager not to long ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:38am

It's always hard to swallow when our teens turn out to be something other than we expected. Time will help you-really!

The divorce component is one I have no experience with. But Ive read enough posts to tell you its just too dang easy for them to get mad and run to the other parent(and I dont blame the other parent or the home parent-it is what it is)

You're right. Its great she is using BC. Its also good this is a BF and a long term relationship. I suspect you would feel worse if it were different guys at parties, KWIM?

Does she have a cell? Id suggest calling and leaving a calm message on it. 'You love her; you want to work this out. Its hard finding out your child is having sex and you realize you BOTH got too emotional. Lets discuss it calmly'-something along those lines.

Church? Now sure how that got in the conversation? No advice there

I would actively try to mend, however. Dawdling can be seen as not caring and I know you care

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:35am
You are NOT a terrible mother although most of us have felt the same way at one time or another.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:49pm

I'm sorry you had to go through such a difficult Easter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:36am

I think that most of the people on this board can relate in one way or another to your situation. Have you and her dad talked about getting some counseling for all of you? I think that it's a way to have a third party who will be impartial. I get why you read the diary, you are looking to connect with her. Speaking from btdt having her at her dad's is probably a good thing. My DS has been out of our home for 10 mo.(he went to a wilderness program this summer and then onto a therapuetic boarding school. We could not keep him safe here at home.), it has made it much easier for all of us to step back and take a deep breath.

When things have clamed down I would let her know why you read her diary. I would let her know that you want to protect her from being hurt. I would let her know that even having sex with protection is not foolproof. I would let her know that deciding to have sex at her age is not what you think is best for her, but that you realize she will make her own decision.

As for the drinking, let her know that drinking sends all reasoning out the window. It makes your judgement disappear. Tell her that you do not want her to do anything while drunk that she will regret later.

The church thing is something that we had to address with our DS. You cannot shove God down her throat. In our experience making DS go to church only served to make him resent God. What you can do is pray that God will guide her and you. Pray that God soften her heart and bring her back around to him.

Lastly it sounds like you have done your best to let her know the difference between right and wrong. Let her know that although she may be physically able to do what she wants, that you are still her parent. Tell her that you want her to be able to make her own choices but if she is making bad ones it is your job as her parent to step in. I hope that this helped at least a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:39am

I don't know if this will help, but I've been thinking of you.

My DS-18 moved out of my home shortly before his 17th birthday. I cried several times a day for the first two weeks, then gradually tapering off..... but it was probably what saved our relationship. I can happily say now that we are closer than ever, and he's had to mature faster, I think. He's come so far in the past year.

It's tough to watch them go. But don't jump to the conclusion that you might lose her in the process. Yes, she's angry now. (mine was too when he left) They get over it.

Anyway... what have you decided? Did the three of you have that talk?

Good luck,
zz

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:51am

{{{Julia}}}

When you're able to put aside your shock, anger and hurt, try to sit and write down a few pros and cons of having your dd live with her dad. Does he live nearby? Is he responsible? Will he have reasonable rules in place? Is he open to her living with him? Will he call on you when necessary? Will you have regular visits with your dd? Will she be expected to find a job, have a curfew, make good grades? Will he feed her properly? See the DR regularly? IOW, will he be capable of being a good parent? Will she respect him and his house rules?

At 16, my parents no longer expected my siblings and I to attend church. I don't think it's the end of the world for her to refuse to attend at this point. She's had the foundation and will likely find her way back one day. Obviously, attending church did not stop her from engaging in risky behaviors anyway, so I doubt it would be helpful at this point. KWIM?

Something you said or taught her along the way has sunken in - she's having sex, BUT she's using BC and practicing sex safely. Those are BIG!!! The having sex part may not be what you feel is best for her at this point, but really, the alcohol consumption IMO is more important and often the two go hand in hand.

You say you don't know what to do with her anymore, you feel angry, resentful, hurt and at a loss, shocked by her words and attitude. Allowing her to live with her father if you know he's a good parent, is more about making sure she reaches adulthood OKAY. If placing her in her father's care will encourage her to grow into a decent adult with less rebellion and risky behavior, then I say do it. There is no book that says only mom's make the better primary parent. AS you said in your post, she's always been her father's daughter. Maybe right now she belongs with him. When and if you let her go, always leave your door open to her, always let her know that you love her and that she's welcome to come home if she wants, but that the rules haven't changed. IOW, she can't flip flop between houses when the going gets tough. If dad lays down a law that she doesn't like, she can't then come home to you and then when things get heated there run back to dads - it doesn't work that way. Should she choose to live with dad, you and dad need to sit together and go over some basic rules and expectations such as curfew, personal time, internet time, telephone time, and dd getting a job. You will not agree on everything, but you should be able to compromise on some things.

This will work out. If she truly wants to be with her dad and he's a good parent, I think you should give it shot. Hugs -

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:51am

Wow. Sounds like a rough time for you. I know it must feel awful and I'm sorry.
While my DS is younger, I couldn't help putting in my 2cents.

- Before talking to your DD, could you have a private discussion with her dad to talk things over? I know you are divorced, but it sounds like you are still team parents and that's great ... helps you to have another insight besides your own and formulate a team game plan, which your DD may receive more readily than just "your" plan.

Sure does sound like you need to be perceived more as part of a parenting team than the stand-alone, evil grinch of mom-dom. Surely dad has some opinions on any behaviors that are so negative? If you aren't a 24/7 single mom, then I say spread the blame (responsibility) out a bit. It should take some pressure off of you and help DD realize these are parent-child issues, not mom-personal issues.

- I can understand her feelings/reaction to your reading her diary. Totally. Can't say I wouldn't have done the same, but I still understand. Nothing to do about that except, perhaps, apologize for breaking her trust, and ask HER what you should have done when worried about her safety?

- As for religion, lots of people leave the structure of religion in their teen years. It's quite common. Most still retain their sense of deity, even still define themselves as religious, just don't participate in a structured religion. Many return in young adulthood, especially after marriage and kids. That's the statistics.

In real life, it would be reasonable to point out that she will be losing a supportive community if she leaves, but that probably won't affect much. You can't control someone's belief system any more than you can "make" them love you, so I would really suggest you admit she has the freedom of making her own personal choices in this area. Let her know you love her no matter what and it is HER choice. She may feel deflated that she can't use this to goad you, but should also (ultimately) appreciate that you can accept her "adult" decisions.

- The sex issue is hard. My son isn't there yet but I "know" I will be freaking out when I discover this. Besides all the concerns about teen pregnancy, emotional pain, STDs, etc etc.... it is HARD evidence that they aren't our "babies" anymore. And that has got to be difficult. I assume it must color anything you say on the issue.

Regardless, I agree with the other posters on this issue. She HAS made some relatively good decisions about her choice to become sexual. It might help to focus on the positive. She isn't being "loose". She is participating in a long-term, presumably monogamous relationship. She is being very responsible by using bc.
You may be unhappy about her choice but the horse is out of the barn on this one so all you can really do is gently express your concerns... and then ask HER for HER point of view regarding those concerns. Doesn't sound like she is looking for any more rules or opinions right now, but it might be good to let her know you can offer information or a shoulder should she ever need one.

- It does sound like DD is fighting to be accepted more as an adult who can make life choices. While certainly she's making some very different choices than you (or many parents) would want their kids to make, is there any way to admit to her that she has the right to make some of these decisions and, in fact, has been fairly responsible? Perhaps giving her more sense of acceptance is what she is after. She apparently wants a different style of communication. More adult-adult styled vs. parent-child (boss-worker)?

I'm brainstorming here and rambling... sorry. Should never write when I'm late for work.

Remember, it WILL get better. You sound too concerned to not find a way to reach out to your daughter in a loving way. She may not recognize that now... but I bet she will. Even if DD stays with dad for awhile, it doesn't mean you will lose her. This is a long-term relationship, you are just in a hard spot. Don't give up.

Pages