My daughter is out of control

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
My daughter is out of control
11
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 6:00pm
I am a divorced and remarried mom and My son is 20 and is fine and away at college. My daughter who is just 16 is a real challenge. She is friendly with girls who are on the fast track-well one is younger so shes still learning. My daughter really doesn't drink or have sex-yay!!! She loves to smoke pot. She does it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She does it in her bedroom, our backyard and her friends will come over and get the munchies and I wind up ultimately fuming mad and a sink of dishes.My present husband has searched her room and taken her stash, taken away clothes computer etc etc. She thinks everything is funny and just laughs. Could she be addicted?? I don't know what to do anymore and its really getting me down.Her favorite moto is I get what I want and I can do whatever i want. I have reached the point where I turn on the house alarm when I go out and she doesn't know the code TG. She must call me first before I will let her in.Any comments from anyone out there--Ps my son is the total opposite-A plus student-was at U rochester, just transferred to Geneseo and does not and never has done drugs or drinks.She's going to kill me..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 3:06pm

Im not getting the alarm thing-are you trying to prevent her from having her group in at the house when you are not there?

I dont know if 'addicted' is the proper terminology but pot certainly appears to be impacting her life and yours. If she is smoking in teh AM and the Pm, you can be sure she is finding a way to smoke during the day-most likely by cutting class. Talk to her teachers and get the story-this was a constant battle with MY son as the achool looked the other way once they hit the age where they could legally drop out

I wouldnt allow her to have friends over-if nothing else you have a liability issue going on if they are smoking in your 'care'. One of them leaves and crashes their car?????

It may be time to bring in some form of counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 5:19pm
Thanks for getting back to me.Yes,the alarm on is to keep them out of my house-I'm afraid of not being there for fear of them burning the place down or just leaving a big mess which they do often by eating up a storm or someone falling in my pool etc.I have my daughter seeing a psychiatrist as she has always had emotional issues, add and depression low self esteem but I changed to someone closer and he just dispenses the meds, no therapy. I think I must get someone for therapy pronto. I am so upset that I am thinking of sending her to a boarding school and taking a loan out to pay for it.I probably would end up making more money being able to work more with her gone anyway not that that is the issue but my point is it would be money well spent and she might go on to do something other than run around and looking to get high all the time. She has this one friend who comes over but now I won't let her in the house and this girl lately is calling me a bitch etc and makes her go with her in an old broken down car loaded with too many teenagers in it. MY daughter feels bad when her friend acts like this but she is totally controlled by her(Pere pressure)I feel like she is being set up like a time bomb and I am scard to death for her. Besides my ex is a lawyer and he is probably getting ready to take me to court for the 100th time this time maybe not for such frivilous reasons as the past were just anger related about money I inherited etc.My daughter also has asthma and is just getting over bronchitis-on antibiotics and her friend grabs her with me screaming you can not go out. You see she works as a sitter and at least has money so they probably are using her to buy food gas and drugs and she is so low (from divorce etc but has so much going for her-she just doesn't totally know it)and wants to belong. Smoking is all her lungs need!!!I am so upset!Maybe I need to get stronger and really do something-I just don't know--Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 7:47pm
You are thinking about sending her to a boarding school? What kind of boarding school?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:52am
I looked into one upstate new york. Probably a fortune but sounded really good. My husband told me to calm down and forget that. We just have to be tougher with her lately.
I do not think boarding school will be happening but I would love it. For now I will have to sacrifice some of my work time to be with her more. I also have to try to keep her apart from this girl which is not going to be easy as she seems to be addicted to her. Oh well, work work work!!I am definitely going to get her into therapy again and start praying more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:04pm
Are you talking about a Therapeutic Boarding School, or just a regular college prep boarding school?
I am asking because our daughter went to two different RTCs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:02pm

When you start down a certain path in life (and this goes for teenagers and adults too...) sometimes it feels like its just too hard to get off that path. Going back seems out of the question, you don't see the other paths available to you and going down a path alone without the people you know is scary. Think of this analogy with your daughter.

Does she even see other alternatives? Does she know you'll help her off her existing path? Does she even have any other friends who are successful? Does she feel like if she leaves this life behind her, what would she do? Would they let her just leave? Would she be all alone? Its not that you shouldn't be tough with her because you should impose boundaries and limits but tough love isn't ALL she needs. And if you think exiling her to a boarding school (and she's going to feel like you've exiled her) is going to make her feel like she has some help to see and find a new life, think again. She's just going to feel like you are dumping her and don't want her around anymore.

Sometimes our kids make us sooooo angry we forget they are kids. They don't know how to change or how to do anything differently.

Sit down with your daughter. Don't yell at her, don't lecture her. Just tell her you love her and you are really worried about her. You are worried about her health, her safety, her emotional well-being, her self-esteem, her future etc. Ask her about her dreams in life. Ask her if where she is right now and what she is doing right now is really, truly what she wants. It seems like she is just fighting, pushing you away, putting up walls. There has to be a way to break through this and reach the person deep down inside. Maybe take her somewhere -- just the two of you. She'll HATE it but she'll be forced to deal with you one on one.

Focus on her...find out where her head is at ...its worth a try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:32pm
Therapeutic and also helping them prepare as well for college. How did your daughter do with it. Is she in College? What is really crazy about this, is I feel like my daughter on some level is totally in control of things and wants me to relax and be more laid back. Maybe she is brain washing me. She tells me she will be getting straight A's in school-a little too soon to say but I'll be interested in what the progress report has to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:39pm
You are very wise and obviously have been down this road to some degree. I agree that boarding school would be a cope out. I thought to myself this morning as she got up for school, I am taking you out tonite to do something you like to do and we will ahve dinner and we will talk. I even sid it to her but I feel at times she is just shutting me out, yessing me and than does as she pleases. My husband said she thinks this is a hotel where she comes and goes according to what her friend wants her to do. It is as though she is a puppet or marriot and that is the reason I wanted to get her away to escape the influences. Basically she is a very good kid who is just following the lead of a child who has been badly damaged the way I see it.Thanks for your words and insight and I will keep trying to get thru to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:26pm
I sent you a private message by email.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:30pm
Just so you know I haven't been through this with my own daughter but I've been through it a bit myself and I've seen other people go through it. Its that feeling that you are kind of trapped where you are because you don't know any other place to be or that getting to that other place would be so hard. I really try very hard to keep the lines of communication open with my own 15 yo. I try to help her see alternatives and that not EVERYONE is sleeping around or on drugs or whatever. You know...trying to keep her out of that mindset that she has to do one thing or another to fit in. So far, knock on wood, we are okay but I know how fragile these relationships can be. So good luck...I'm pulling for you guys....

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