my greedy girl, advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
my greedy girl, advice needed
12
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:57pm
My 15-yr-old has a bad case of the gimme-gimmes more appropriate to someone ten years younger. She has a cell phone, but wants a more advanced phone with Internet access and that plays music. We have a family computer but she wants her own. She even has access to my old 96 Toyota junker but she wants a new car of her own. She just whines about not having all these things more often than I’ve ever heard from her since she was very young. I think it’s partly because she goes to a private school and is friends with many girls whose families have large disposable incomes and spoil their children imho. We’re not poor by any means but we certainly can’t afford to give our DD anything her heart desires at the drop of a hat. How can I tell her to stop complaining and bugging me about what she doesn’t have?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 5:35am

My first reaction to your post is "just say NO". Just because a kid wants something, doesn't mean we have to give it. You can elaborate the "no" by saying - "I have other priorities for our money than a (new cell phone/PC/car)."

A second thought is to help her find ways to earn some money, so she can share in the increased costs.

Finally, my DD also goes to a school where families give kids more money - I don't think they neccessarily *have* more money, they just give more to the teens ("I and A can buy whatever they want, their moms just give them the money they need/want"). So, we've talked about wants vs. needs, and making choices in your life. I'm lucky that my DD has developed an anti-designer attitude - she'd rather wear non-designer clothes in unique combinations - or buy vintage or on sale. But we have had several up-front talks about families having different values, and I think some of it sinks in.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 7:49am

I agree with Sue about saying "No" - the best way to feed the gimmes is to give in and buy whatever it is that she wants. Buying what a teen is begging for only seems to make them beg for something bigger and better. A part time job is a good answer too. My DD works about 15 hours a week washing dishes at a local diner at $5.50 an hour. When she wants that $100 pair of jeans, I ask her "Is it worth washing dishes for 3 days?" Usually the answer is "not really."

I also got lucky with my DD - she's a fashion plate, but she's done a lot of research looking for ways to get what she wants for a whole lot less than just going to the Hollister store and buying it. Her best find? A second hand store that buys and sells only teen clothes... most of the stuff still looks new. A few months ago she found a pair of $150 jeans with the tags still on for $25. When we go to the mall, she NEVER pays full price for clothes, she sees it as a huge game to find out of this world buys on the sale rack, and is pretty proud of herself when she finds that expensive sweater at 75% off.

Another thing that has really helped with my gimme child - I decide how much I am going to spend on something - clothes, shoes, cell phone, MP3 player, etc. If she wants an upgrade, she has to fork over the difference. For instance, if I'm willing to spend $30 on a pair of shoes but she falls in love with a $60 pair, I pay $30 and she pays $30. When she wanted a different cell, I told her I'd pay x amount for one, what she wanted was $50 more, and she had to come up with the $$ to pay the difference. She's currently saving her $$ for a car, which she would like to get before her senior year, two years from now.

Rose

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:11am

My older boy was a gimme-gimme type. Once he turned 16 and started having to work for his money, the gimmes slowed way down. I did what what mom_d did and decide how much I was willing to pay for something, and if he wanted something bigger, nicer, fancier, then he had to pay the difference out of his money. I'm telling you, it is amazing how having to work for their money will make them stop and realize just how hard it is to come by. :) I also would decide how much I would spend on say, jeans and they could decide, do they want 2 pair of these or 4 pair of those. (Be careful on this, if they are still growing fast, this strategy will break the bank!! LOL)

Before he turned 16, it was near to impossible for him to find a job where we live. So, that made it a little tricky. Both boys did learn to save bd/Christmas money to buy stuff, but even then it was still gimme-gimme. I finally got to the point where I would tell them, if you don't like what you have then I will take it and you'll have *nothing*! I'm trying to remember if I ever actually took anything away from them. I don't think so, but I would have and they knew it. :) I also figured out that my younger was not so much gimme-gimme as he was "dreaming". He would say "we need to buy..." and it wasn't so much I want you to buy me, but wouldn't it be nice if we could have such and such. I would just agree and yes, if we could, it would be nice if we could buy ..." I still got sick of hearing it, but oh, well... :)

It's so hard to stop them begging for stuff--even if you do say no, they still beg. At least mine did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:27am

Help her to see and appreciate what she does have.

Get involved together working for your local soup kitchen or rescue mission. Have her donate some time to the salvation army. Volunteer to work with underpriveleged youth, get involved in the Big Sister program etc.. Let her see that she has it good.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 10:49am

Youve gotten great advice so far

The highlights for me

she might just be 'dreaming'-dont assume every spoken thought is asking(I'm ready to retire to North CArolina but it aint happening)

let her see the other side of what she sees at school by volunteering

look at jobs, although here it is difficult prior to 16 unless you have a personal connection. You can still say "When you are 16 and and have a job....."

My college freshman was best friends with M all through high school and they went off to college and roomed together. M is an only child and adopted-yes, the stereotypes apply. If his parents dont give it to him, a loving family member will. I didnt realize how much this affected DS2 until M chose to go to a different college at semester!

Its mid February and I havent heard a single plea for money or 'stuff' from DS2. Neither his new roomie or his suitemates have a car like DS2(and M)so I imagine he is geting a little reality check into how lucky he is

I never made the connection until the past 2 months so yes, she is likely being influences by who she is with and its a tradeoff for the decision you have made. You dont have to like it or cave to it but its there. Teach her your values on spending and show her the other side

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:35am

I have a 'gimme' kid too---a boy.........he's all about name brands and the best of everything. He's been given a truck (pick-up, full size) to drive at no cost to him (but gas and $50 a month towards insurance) and he's not even happy with THAT......it's too 'big'.....arrghhh.

I've written in years past about the situation, and although I can totally relate, I don't have much advice to offer. One bit of advice that I would LOVE to take is the fact that we have so much compared to others..............but to get him to volunteer his precious 'studly' time would be next to impossible (unfortunately).

He complains that his closet is too small and the rest of us have larger ones (he asked to have a room of his own years ago, and this is the smallest of the 3--how quickly we forget that we WANTED this room).

I brought him a better mattress and a dresser (which he didn't have in said tiny room) from my grandmother---she passed on 1-3, and we cleaned out her condo last weekend and he benefited greatly---but he's PISSED that we went into his pit of a room on our day off to put in the better mattress and find room (very creatively, I must say) for the dresser.

The ironic, sad part of it all, is I clearly CLEARLY remember feeling the same way as he does right now, and somehow by grace, I guess, I learned empathy and to be grateful for all the wonderful things we DO have............I don't dwell on the things we don't have. Actually we we aren't lacking anything---our home is comfortable---smallish but well built and in the 60's it was a NORMAL home for a family of 4--1500 sq ft up and down....nowdays the large homes and massive great rooms are the standard, but at one time, MY home was quite nice for a family. 2 cars and this truck he drives, we have jobs and plenty of food......so we can't afford tropical vacations or ANY vacations for that matter......but noone is lacking for anything in our home.

My son works at Hy-Vee and earns money, and he's understanding how quickly it slips away---a few pizzas and sodas and his paycheck is suddenly gone.....so I try to counsel him every 2 weeks as to what he needs as opposed to what he wants. Some pay checks it works some it doesn't.

Keep up the good work, I understand, I relate and I WISH I had something profound to offer. But I dont'. I just plug along and hope that Grace finds my son as well and someday he realized how truly lucky we are and how lucky he is...........I think it will happen for your child too.........something about being a teen is quite foreign to the rest of society. I just wish I had the socially consious variety, but I don't. I have the son with a best friend that drives a 2005 BMW convertible...........and I can't compete.......so I do the best I can.

Ok, rambling over. Best of luck.....this too shall pass (I hope)

Shels....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:40am

BTDT experience with the gimmes, may come chromosomally linked to emerge during the adolescent years...who knows. We live comfortably in our home and probably give the children more than they should have but we have attempted to instill value.

16yo DD had to pay for a portion of her car, when the season change and clothes shopping begins we supply a dollar amount we are willing to contribute for the season; anything else is on her. We save large gifts like cell phones, car accessories and the like for special occassions...so yes, we have to listen to "I really want a...." many times.

She has PT job now and the realization that she will have to work several days for that much coveted piece of fashion dawns on her that it is not worth it. Not to mention she loves EBAY, she has discovered very quickly she can get those $60 jeans for $20 on Ebay. We have explained our family priorities, college saving and the like. Even before her PT job if she wanted to purchase something or go on a special outing (say a ski trip) she had to earn the money through odd jobs. She would approach us or family members volunteering her services, for a price of course.

IMHO everyone is more appreciative of material items they had to work for, if you give in to the gimmes, the request will get larger. As for her peers and lusting after their possessions, I have a neighbor that drives a Lexus I would love to have...but I have children in or on their way to college. So I will have to wait...other priorities you know.

Happy Parenting - Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:53am

I used "reward" my kids for accepting no graciously by later giving them what they wanted. I know this sounds backward but if don't whine and pout but I know it's something they really wanted, I would at least consider it more. This helped change some attitudes alot.

In your case though, a simply talk with her might be in order first. Just explain to her that you are not as wealthy as some of her friends parents and even if you were you don't agree with that amount of spoiling. You might offer her a compromise - if she can really earn the money through a job or babysitting, then you will match her money. I wouldn't do this all the time and explain this will only work, if she stops whining.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:39pm

This is pretty typical and it can be influenced by being around other kids who have more. My DD was given a car by her grandmother. It's a Honda Civic, but even though it was old, it only had 40,000 miles on it and my mother made sure to check everything out before she got it. The deal we made in advance was that if she had her own car she had to pay for the insurance (which is about $2000 a year) and gas. Of course, she complains that other friends were given cars by their parents and don't have to pay for their own insurance.

Then there was college. I actually do feel bad that we can't just say go to whatever college you want and we'll pay for it, since she is very smart, but we just can't afford private school tuition of $30,000-$40,000/year. We are waiting to see what she gets in financial aid. Of course, there are some friends who say that their parents are just going to pay for their college, whether it's true or not.

Other than that, she usually doesn't complain too much. She is good at buying clothes on sale. She does have a part-time job. I do mention to her that she really doesn't need more clothes and that sometimes you just have to restrain yourself from buying something you don't really need. But I can understand how in such a consumer driven society that kids can get caught up in this. When I was in my 20's I used to work in an office where most of the people were older and had a lot more money. Some of the secretaries seemed to be there not because they needed a job, but to have a little part-time job where they could get out of the house and socialize. I got into this frame of mind where I would be jealous of all the things they had that I didn't. At that time, my DH & I just had a little apt., not even a house, but we didn't have kids yet. I found that as I switched to other jobs where the people were less focused on buying things, I didn't feel that I was missing out as much. But believe me, when I found out that my boss (a single guy) bought a house for $800,000 that could house a family of 10 pretty easily, it still burns me up because I think of how we struggle to get by. I don't envy his Jaguar or his big house. It's more that I would like to be able to support my family w/o worrying where the money is going to come from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 1:49pm
If this were my daughter, I would make her get a job! I think if you emphasize what she can do with the things she has, she’ll eventually get past this phase of believing she has to have the same possessions as her friends. She has access to a car! What teen is going to turn down any car? She could even get 4info on her phone, which is basically a mobile search engine without an internet connection, no expensive phone needed. It sounds like now might be a good time for you to start discussing how to budget with your daughter. She needs to know that nice things just don’t appear for everyone before it starts to affect her judgment on how to spend her money.

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