My heart is breaking with college age son

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
My heart is breaking with college age son
32
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 12:27am

I am so sad...I am a mom of 3 boys but my oldest is 18, almost 19.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 3:31pm

Interesting that he joined the army.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2011
Mon, 05-02-2011 - 1:08pm
Hello There,
I am a mom of three, two sons and a daughter. My boys are both in college now. Ages 21 and 19. I am not a doctor, but have you ever thought about ADD? My oldest son has this. And a lot of the things you are describing sound lie symptoms of this. We never medicated our son, but kept him extremely physically active his entire life. Throughout high school and now in college, he is on the cross country and track and field teams. He runs hundreds of hours each month. I believe this is the key for him. My son is also extremely charasmatic and friendly. He has tons of wonderful intentions, but has a hard time following through with them. I think if it were my son pulling this, I would sit him down with as little emotion from you as possible and tell him flat blank. You have raised him to the best of your ability. He is now an adult. Assure him you love him dearly and always will, but part of being a parent is helping him become a functioning adult. Tell him you think in order to be successful, he should go to college. Explain to him you have done all you can to help him be successful in college, but the time has come for him to grow up. Give him choices. Tell him he can continue in college until the end of the freshman year and you will pay tuition and rent. At the end of that point, he can choose to continue school, paying for everything on his own. He can work the summer and take out loans to pay for it. If he pulls passing grades the first semester on his own, you will start helping him out with college expenses again. If he chooses to blow off college, so be it. Tell him he can quit college, but that means, he will have to get a job and support himself. You will no longer support him. It is not your job to do that. You can tell him you will always be here for advise, but you will not hand him money. Do not allow him to live at home with you unless you are absolutely sure this is what you want. If you let him live with you, charge him rent. But tell him up front that rent will increase by 100 dolllars a month every 3 months or so. He would also have to hold a full time job. Make it not a good deal to live with you permanently. I would suggest you not allow him to live with you. It would be too easy to fall back into old patterns. Then let him sink or swim. He really has to grow up. and it is your responsibility to treat him as such. Good luck and be firm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2011
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 8:59pm

You have described my son almost to a T. In your first few lines I thought I

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 8:50pm

I know you've gotten a lot of advice, but I just wanted to throw in

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:34pm

wow...how nice to have someone who really understands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:10pm

Hi.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:19am

I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through all this.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 9:48am
That's a great idea, fullmom! I know in the spring of 2009 when Justin moved in with Danielle, stopped going to school, she got pregnant, etc. I was SO angry with him. I could barely even stand to have him around during that time. I just wanted it all to go away. It put a huge strain on our relationship. I prayed so hard for them to break up, him to move back home and all of a sudden decide to go back to school and be a model student... But then I realized I was praying for the wrong thing and when I prayed for peace and healing I was able to let it go. I wrote him a long letter and told him that no matter what I loved him. That I may not agree with all his choices but that I loved him and I was proud of him for taking responsibility for his child, working, etc. It helped get our relationship back on track. I hope Windrush considers writing to her ds, too. It could make a huge difference.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 9:34am

windrush, I really wish you'd write your son a long letter telling him how you feel about the disconnect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 9:38pm

My oldest did something similar but we were not as patient(not saying that was the right decision).

We pulled him out after the first semester. He came home and was told he had 6 months to decide what he wanted to do. We would pay for school(a less demanding school) but not support him if he chose not to go to school. And somehow I did not see just how manipulative that strategy was!

I suppose I fully expected him to see the light, go back to school and get straight A's.

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