My heart is breaking with college age son

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
My heart is breaking with college age son
32
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 12:27am

I am so sad...I am a mom of 3 boys but my oldest is 18, almost 19.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 11:09am

What is the alternative to him coming home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 12:59pm

Honestly, I think you need to go with your gut. I've read thru all the posts, and the one consistent thing I've heard you say throughout is that you think it's time to cut him off. You know your child. If this is what you think you should do, then do it. It has certainly worked with many a child before him, including me and my brothers. Some people don't ever become self-sufficient until the rug is pulled out from under them..

You should be prepared to be gossipped about and told you're lacking in compassion. But not pushing a child to stand on his own two feet is also lacking in compassion so just tune people out and do what you believe is right.

If this doesn't work and you find there really is some other issue here, you can always bring him back home, but it sounds as if you've given him every tool to succeed. Now it's time to hand him the empty toolbox.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:53pm

Again, thank you for all of the thoughts and opinions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 2:39pm

well you've come to the right place.

my story is different but my DH and I did the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 2:46pm

Let your heart stop breaking and stop being devastated. I think because he's your first, you are reacting out of fear that his current problems are a true indicator for his entire future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 2:50pm

okay so lots of kids in their senior year say they want to be a doctor, so did my DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 3:07pm

Thanks fullmom for the gentle kick in the butt.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 5:11pm

All the "wanting", all the "incentives", even being kicked out of your house, will NOT enable your son to do things he may NOT be able to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 6:58pm

wow...that was a bit harsh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 8:12pm

Hey Momof3 - please take any information/suggestions offered that you feel may help in your situation and disregard the rest. Every family is different and every child is different. There is no one way to deal with issues with your children/young adults. As I said earlier - your ds is much like our younger ds. Sure, there's probably lots of things I could have done differently in raising him. Maybe had I been more open about sex and birth control he wouldn't have gotten a girl pregnant. Maybe if I had insisted he work a part time job from the time he was 16 and not pay for any 'fun stuff' he'd have a better head for money. Maybe if I'd been more of a 'homework police' he would have done better academically in high school. But we did the best we could and everything we did we did out of love. And I can tell from your posts that it's the same with you. For the most part this board is a wonderful, supportive place to come and vent about/brag about your teens. Hang in there! I think the community college route is the best option for your ds for next year. And there's nothing wrong with that! If he's going to school and working part time hopefully he won't have time to re-establish the friendships from high school. There are also things to get involved with at CC and hopefully he can use those to expand his circle of friends. I'd also invite you to check ot the Parents of College Students board.

Pam