My heart feels like it's breaking

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
My heart feels like it's breaking
8
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:24pm

I am the worst mother in the world! I do not know how to break this cycle with my DS 16. I have tried to not butt in too much. I have tried to just "wait this out". I have tried to be kind to this girl, but I really don't know how much more I can take. I posted about this once when I first joined, and haven't talked about it much but I really need some shoulers to cry on....and I am crying :(

DS has a GF that is two yrs older. she has graduated and is going away, but I know my DS he is going to try and hang on to this girl. DH and I and DS 14 and all of his friends do not care for this girl :( I can't totally pinpoint it, she is not doing anything bad that I could actually forbid DS to see her for, but we argue about her constantly. This is what makes me a bad mom. I know that the arguing is not helping, but I truely get so frustrated. When this girl is around, it puts me in a terrible mood and I guess it is beginning to show. Now, my DS is saying that she says I'm mean and that her mother is nice, why can't I be this way. This is the same mother that is rude to me every time she sees me....uggghhhh this girl even told DS that her mom said that I was rude once, which I was not. I am sooooo tired of being the bad guy. I have waited for 8 months for this teen romance to die out, but it isn't happening. I also believe she is a big reason DS lost some of his focus in his last few months of school.. She was a senior and he got senior itis right along with her. I am soooo worried that she is going to be lonely at college those first few months (she is going to a small all girls school) and hang on to the phone calls etc. Really nice girls are constantly paying DS attention, and he doesn't even see it or give them the time of day because of his GF.

Sorry this is so long....I just needed to vent it. Thanks for listening and maybe not being to hard on this mean 'ol mom.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:59pm
Of course you aren't the worst mom in the world. You would have to be superhuman not to let your thoughts about this girl come out some time. I am guilty of the same thing w/ my DD's ex-bf, who she's still hanging onto. Even though I try to keep my mouth shut, it is almost impossible sometimes. I'm sure that deep down your DS knows you aren't the "bad guy." I know that even though my DD ignores what I say or even argues with me, she "hears" me and it does make a difference sooner or later. I don't have any good advice, I guess, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:10pm

You aren't a bad mother -- you just don't like this girl and its hard to pretend like you do. I get that. Who knows why some people fall for the people they do? We can't always control or explain our feelings and the same way you can't see what your son sees in this girl, you can't truly pinpoint what it is you DON'T like about her.

Does your son know you don't really like her? Have you ever told him that? If you can't really poinpoint what it is you don't like is there some behaviour that you don't like and can describe how it makes you feel?

I know you are worried this relationship will go on too long but you know -- out of sight out of mind right? Doesn't matter if she is "lonely" at her new college, she still won't be in his face every day so he's bound to get a little distracted by other girls. It won't happen right away but it will eventually.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:16pm

"I don't have any good advice, I guess, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone!"

Thank you :) This does make me feel better....It helps to hear that I'm not crazy, even if DS thinks so LOL.

Julie

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:20pm

"Does your son know you don't really like her?"

Yes and I know this actually makes him sad, which makes me sad as well :(

"she still won't be in his face every day so he's bound to get a little distracted by other girls. It won't happen right away but it will eventually."

Thanks for saying this....I think I just need to be reminded of this. I have spent the last two months counting the days until she leaves, just wanting things to go back to normal :) DS and I ONLY fight about this girl and I really hate it :( Thanks for answering it really helped and I needed it!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:33am
I would try really really hard to put my negative feelings about this girl in a back corner of my mind. Try to find something positive and comment about that to DS. I think that out kids often rebel against our opinion. If you find the girlfriend to be great... DS might start noticing the more negative aspects. I think that her leaving for college will be a big change. Stay positive... we can all only do our best...right??
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:41pm

"Try to find something positive and comment about that to DS. I think that out kids often rebel against our opinion."

Oh I agree with this totally. I will try this....but, LOL I know he'll think I'm lying. Thanks for the positive feedback. I really was feeling down. The last few days, I have ignored every time he goes to be with her. Not making a big deal and if nothing else it makes me feel better NOT to be fighting with DS :)
Thanks again,

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 3:59pm
I know exactly how you feel, Julie. Jason had the gf from he** his senior year in h.s. He had been dating a very nice girl with involved parents (that were probably stricter than we were) for much of his junior year. They broke up the summer before his senior year and by October he was 'going out' with this other girl that had parents that didn't care where she was or who she was with. I hated it every time I knew they were together. At first I tried my hardest to prevent them from seeing each other, I'd be constantly checking up on him, etc. But that kind of backfired and made him dig his heels in even more. Finally after Christmas I tried the other tactic and had him invite her to dinner, asked her to help me decorate for his black belt party, etc. He ended up breaking up with her within 6 weeks or so. Looking back - they probably would have broken up earlier had I tried harder to bite my tongue in the beginning! Hang in there and hopefully once she goes away to school things will end quickly. There is a world of difference between h.s. life and college life no matter how small the college is.


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

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Pam
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:57pm

Thanks Pam,

I needed that today as DS has spent the entire 4th with her family :( I miss him, most of all, but I guess this is life as they grow up and away. He has called several times to "check in" so I guess he probably knows that Im sad. I keep telling him to just have fun....so I am trying. From your post and another, I am going to try and be sweet....so sweet that maybe he'll stop "digging in his heals" as you put it :)

Thanks again and Happy 4th :)

Julie