My husband let my 17-yo get drunk
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| Sat, 10-22-2005 - 4:43pm |
I'm disappointed/sad/angry all rolled into one. My son & husband are camping for the weekend with friends (I'm at home with a sick toddler) and I spoke to dh this morning. He decided to let my son see what it was like, since he has been very curious for a long time. My dh said he doesn't know whether it was the right thing to do, and that it probably wasn't, but that it's too late now. He says it was in a controlled environment, and that it made my son very sick.
My son does not have a lot of friends, and we are a close-knit family and he spends most of his time with us. However, with college around the corner, he's going to be exposed to this kind of situation eventually. Of course, I had always hoped he would NEVER drink (wishful thinking) but here my husband goes and lets him do it.
I'm sure my husband will have a talk with him today, but I'm not sure he'll be open to talking to me. I'm obviously NOT the most permissive of us two, so I'm considered the nag. I don't know whether this is going to satisfy his curiosity and put an end to it, or whether my husband has opened up the door for continued drinking.
I've always believed in zero-tolerance. I thought my husband did too. Uggghhh. Didn't think I'd ever have to face this. Is my son going to be OK, or is this going to increase his chances of being an underage drinker?

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I don't think that this experience will necessarily increase your son's chances to be an underage drinker. It could have the opposite effect; since he got sick he may not want to touch alcohol again for some time! Hopefully this has satisfied his curiosity.
I see problems with what your dh did in that he did not discuss it with you first, and with the location. While the campground may have been a "controlled environment" if there was a problem they were probably far from medical help. But I guess it was better for your son to be where he could throw up into the bushes instead of your sofa. Maybe your husband felt that this was some "rite of passage" or something? When you talk to your son make sure to separate your anger and disappointment at your husband from your feelings towards your son. After all, he did nothing wrong if dad gave him permission.
I think that your son will get the desire to experience getting drunk with his peers whenever he gets it, which may be next month or when he gets to college or his 21st birthday or never. It is one thing to see what it feels like to be drunk or stoned. It is another thing to want to be in that state in a social setting. Just as there is a difference in having a glass of wine with dinner and guzzling from a beer bong at a party. If his friends are not into drinking then he probably will not be inclined to do it either. Parental lectures may postpone it but when he gets to college he will quickly realize that he can do all kinds of things and his parents will be none the wiser. At that point his personality and personal values will be the deciding factor.
You and your husband can make it very clear that this was a one-time event for the purpose of allowing him to satisfy his curiosity with parental control. And that you do not condone underage drinking because it is illegal and sometimes dangerous and any other reasons you may have. And tell him whatever consequences he will get if you find out that he is drinking while a minor. Beyond that I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. JMHO.
sounds like dad needs to learn there are some things we don't tell mom.
look at it this way...at least now your kid knows what to expect if he drinks to much...and he will drink again...you can bet on it.
i'd suggest another drinking occassion where you teach him how to drink responsibly..it sounds like you'd be against that but i think that would be best for him. it took me a while to learn exactly how to NOT drink to much...and as a result there were times i drove when i really shouldn't have...but i really didn't have much choice....my folks would have flipped if they new i was drinking.
I disagree with your proposal for yet another underage "drinking session." Part of teaching our kids to drink responsibly is to model obeying the law.
What other shenannigans do you propose we don't tell our wives Johnny?
Oh do tell..
"Beyond that I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. JMHO."
Not that it was the smartest thing dad could do, but I understand where he was coming from. I'm afraid if the OP makes a big deal out of this, it could lead DS to drink more, not less. Since he got sick from it, the impression he got was probably that he wouldn't want to choose to do this again. I think he does need to learn how (um...I mean to be told) to drink responsibly. He's going to be in many situations in the near future where knowledge can keep him from making bad and dangerous mistakes - and IMHO, the home is the appropriate place to teach those lessons.
Lisa
First of all, your son will be ok. Whether or not he will drink again - to excess or otherwise - probably has little to do with your dh's unfortuante indescretion. The many reasons why this was a BAD IDEA have been covered by the other posters (with the exception of anonajohn, but what can I say...) so I'd suggest you say something brief and to the point to dh and ds together. It sounds like dh is somewhat repentant and he might then express that in front of your son. Maybe not, but it's worth a try and they need to know that you don't condone what they did. Keep it short and sweet and then let it go.
>"so I'd suggest you say something brief and to the point to dh and ds together. It sounds like dh is somewhat repentant and he might then express that in front of your son."
only if he wants to teach him how to be whipped.
otherwise he should take mom's rebuke, then when she leaves the room give his kid a wink and a nod...then put his arm around his kid and apologize for the indescretion of telling mom about the drinking. he can then tell his kid that he has just taught him two valuable life lessons - not to drink to excess, and when you have a woman mad at you it's sometimes better just to let them have thier say and let it go in one ear and out the other.
i hope the dad is reading this thread.
Thank you.
I've been trying to figure out how to say that mom's definition of right and wrong aren't necessarily more correct than dad's definition of right and wrong, but you did a very good job of it here.
ILR
I don't know if i should be jumping into this fray or not, but here goes....
First off, in our state (which bills itself as the beer brewing capital of the country) it is legal for parents to buy alcohol for THEIR OWN underage kids, as long as the kids stay within the parent's control - wierd way to word it, coz who really has control of a teenager, but we define it as "you stay with us until your BAC is back to 0."
Since the guys were 17 or so we've allowed them to have a drink with dinner if they wanted to, they've gone into bars with us to shoot pool for short times, and they've been allowed to have a few at home - as long as their friends were not with us and they did not go anywhere.
daddioe i couldn't care less about the law. especially a law that says although you are old enough to go die "defending your country" but you are not old enough to drink.
it's a ridiculus ineffective law.
>>>"What other shenannigans do you propose we don't tell our wives Johnny?
Oh do tell.."
shenannigans??? how old are you daddioe? i'm thinking there must be a generation gap thing going on here.
you sound like you were raised in the 50's.
every man knows there are things you don't tell you wife - namely the things she isn't going to approve of but that are otherwise relatively harmless. for example...i didn't tell my wife when i bought our son a b.b. gun for his 6th birthday...i just took him out and bought it...and when we got home we listened to her motherly lecture, as i had told him on the ride home we would have to do without protest...then when she left the room we smiled at each other..grabbed the targets and went to the back yard.
moms are generally more likely to be the over protective. in those situations where an over protective mom is going to flip about something relatively minor, kids need to know that they can count on dad to be helpful and discreet...and at least run interference if it is something that mom has to know about...or will find out about anyways.
fortunatley for my kids my wife shares my view that the american approach to drinking is wrong and our kids will benefit from us taking a more european approach to drinking.
our kids first taste of alcohol was when they were old enough to be curious as to what we were drinking. they know they are allowed to have wine with dinner if they want, and we will let them taste anything we are drinking, but they don't like the taste.
we have had them at events where people are drunk, so they know how stupid people get when they drink to excess and we have modeled appropriate behavior by allowing them to see us drink without getting drunk. they also know that when we do go out we always make sure there is a designated driver. they have gone with us on sunday mornings to retrieve vehicles that we have been left behind because we gave someone a ride home because they had drank to much the night before and hadn't planned ahead to have a designated driver.
in my opinon all these things are much more beneficial to my kids than taking a no tolerance stance towards alcohol.
Well, thanks to MOST of you for your replies.
I am intelligent enough to listen to the logic, and dismiss the rantings of someone who obviously has a less than respectful relationship with his wife. My marriage is obviously much better than I thought. My prayers for your wife, anonajohn, and for your children and the way they grow up and treat their own spouses. I'm sure the "gap" between your views and many of the rest of us goes WAY beyond the generation-type.
And no, my husband won't be reading any of these posts. Though I'm pleasantly surprised that a macho-guy such as yourself does.
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