my SD is driving me insane

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
my SD is driving me insane
14
Tue, 02-26-2008 - 11:54pm
Ok..here's the deal...My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Both of us came into this with a daughter, mine was 2 and his was 1...now here I am about to lose my mind. She can't live with her mom because she's miserable but yet she can't live here fo the same reason. She cries to us with issues over her mom but yet cries to her mom over the same issues but it's me. Her mom and I communicate very well and back each other up on things so that can't be it. She acts as if it's alright to cuss me out, call me ridiculous and tell me how crazy I am. The issues that he mothe and I have are 1. her mouth (she is horrible when it comes to sarcastic back talking) 2. her hygiene (lack there of) 3. her school work (again lack there of)...those are the major issues. Right now she's living here...this after threatening to push her mom down the stairs. BUT she told my daughter recently that "I'm going to shoot that b***h in the head" referring to me. Tonight she got busted smoking in the bathroom..I had told her to go upstairs to my room because she, her dad and I needed to have a talk she literally said "I don't give a s**t what you want"...I mean seriously, how can I be expected to tolerate this? Her Dad is about to lose his mind too...he's talked to her, punished her and gave he reality checks and communicates with her mom too so it's not like he's not involved. Her answer to everything is for us to leave her alone, she wants us to let her do what she wants to do...this is the same kid that will wear dirty underwear for days to avoid doing laundry. She is a very very lazy child. We've done everything from encouragement to punishment...NOTHING WORKS...can anyone help me? I have three more girls...16, 9 & 7 and I'm tired of them being put through this too. This child has cussed about me with the little ones right next to her. My 9 year old is starting to act out in ways that she wouldn't normally (storming off screaming at me to just leave her alone) ...I need help

A ;-)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 6:09am
Does she have a cellphone, computer privilages? You can take those things away from her until her behavior improves. It helps that you, dh and her mom are on the same page with how to tackle her bad behavior. Also you could take away time with friends as incentive to improve her behavior. Good Luck! Be sure to outline what you expect from her behavior wise in very clear terms. It would probably help if the three adults who love her can sit her down and have this conversation with her from the perspective that she isn't being the best person she can be. She also needs to understand that her younger sibs look to her as an example and she has a resposibility to be a good example for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 7:47am

we've done all these things..we've taken away privilages and she's not phased, we've given her extra chores and she decides that it's stupid and doesn't do them. I grounded he for two weeks one time and then the next day was driven to giving her three weeks of a 9pm bedtime (even weekends-she's 15) and she told me that I'm crazy and no she isn't doing that and didn't. It's not like I'm just now coking into this kids life, I've been here 14 years and this behavior has gone on for the past couple of years. She's VERY lazy and takes absoltely no reponsibility for her actions...it's always someone else and never ever her...she'll stand there and cuss me up on side and down the other and two seconds later say she did nothing or she wouldn't have done it IF I didn't start it. She's like this with both me and her mom mainly because we're the ones that mainly lay down the law (I'm a stay at home mom and her mom works and has a 1 1/2yr old). I'm losing my mind and I know that my husband is drained from it too. We've talked and talked till we're blue in the face and then talk some more...it's so much that it actually feels like we're explaining everything we say and do to this kid but then she'll take half of that, focus on it and repeat what makes her out to be the victim

A ;-)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 8:04am
Have you ever considered that she might be depressed?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 9:39am
My thoughts are the same as bunnierose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 10:35am

I agree that these problems sound outside the scope of "normal teen behaviour". There is a link below to the Troubled Teens board which you may want to visit.


A big red flag is the lack of hygiene. My dd16 is also very lazy (you should see her room! a condition of going out is cleaning it up) but the one thing she would NEVER neglect is her personal hygiene. She spends hours on that, lol.


Perhaps she needs counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:55pm

After reading the posts on this thread, I would have to agree with the advice given. Your young girl sounds like she has some serious mental health issues. Doing more of the same will probably not work. Punishment only works if the child feels that there is something in it for her.

Seeking professional help for her with her 4 parents involved and the rest of the family is the obvious next step. The girl should also be assessed for LDs and gently questioned (the professional help) to determined what happened in her life several years ago. It could be a hormone or brain chemical imbalance compounded with problems at school. It's difficult to say. Assessment by a medical doctor sensitive to these types of problems would also be a good idea.

On the side, I don't like using the word lazy to blame bad behavior. The person may be so depressed that she/he can not muster the energy to do anything. The person may feel powerless and worthless. The person feels "why bother because everything I do is not good enough". The person may be punishing herself... I obviously can not judge why your SD is acting the way she is but there is a reason. If you keep that in mind, it might help you deal with the future.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 7:55am
I was just thinking yesterday after my original post of things I should have added, one of them was the lables that people who don't have any experience with this behavior put on the teen who is going through it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 5:03pm
Hi Sweetmagnoliagirl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 7:21pm


So true..That is why I hate the terms "lazy", 'bad' and 'stupid'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 12:39pm

No offense to anyone here but I do feel that the term lazy does fit in this case. If it doesn't then someone please explain to me why it is that she's so happy go lucky and full of laughter and conversation until asked to do something,,,,the only time she gives the attitude is when asked do you have laundry to do or can you please put your glass in the sink before going downstairs....any other time there's no problem. She has decided that she can smoke in my home even though her dad and I do not and she has decided that it's alright for my 16 year old to clean their room while she sits and watches. If confronted I get f**k you and I don't give a s**t what you say BUT if it's ignored then she has no problem sitting in the living room making conversation and laughing and joking. One Sunday she was told that before doing anything she absolutly had to wash clothes considering the fact that she had none clean (not even underwear)...she had a hissy fit, called her mom telling her mom how evil her dad and I are...her mom told her to wash her clothes and she turned on her mom calling her names. My husband and I went to pick up our 9 year old from a sleep over and do a little grocery shopping, when we got home we found out that she took her dirty laundry over to her grandma's (lives next door) and asked her to wash, dry and fold her clothes. When confronted over it she said what does it matter, they got washed didn't they...that's what I'm dealing with.

blinkie sexy mamaLove My DaughterI Love my Husbandblinkies


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