My son is stuck, is this my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
My son is stuck, is this my fault?
15
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 6:02pm

Hi everyone! I am pretty new here.

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Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:07pm

<<<<>>>>


That is great that you feel we all have great and wonderful kids and I guess we do, but don't think we don't have our problems with them. We have, over the years, dealt with a lot of different things on this board. And none of us would be here if we didn't have some sort of "problem" with our kids. Many of us have had some real huge problems with our kids in the past and have gotten past it and things have gotten better. So there will be people here with some real life experience that may help you. You aren't alone.


Sometimes I wonder about my son too. He is only 15, but he has no motivation to work to do well in school at all. We try to motivate him and nothing seems to work. Of course he has some time to go until he is your sons age too.


Does your son act depressed at all or is it just an attitude and not wanting to get off his keister and do something?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:18pm

Dear cheryl,


We tend to think as parents "what have i done, what could i have done better?" It sounds to me ( now I don't really know you) that you have done good by him. IMHO you might have babied him and still do somewhat but




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:29pm

Uh no, Cheryl, please don't feel alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:33pm

Hi Cheryl!

I'm sorry to hear your son is having a hard time. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for kids/teens to find their niche in the world. Years ago, my brother was that kid - floundering in life and not really motivated. But when he did find his niche (Real Estate), he took off. No one who met him now would recognize the 17 year old who smoked pot, was generally unmotivated in life, struggled to finish requirements for HS graduation, and drove my mom nuts!lol

One thing I would suggest - do not help him find a job. I know you want to rescue him from the threat of having to move out, but that may be the push that he needs. I was at a Panel Discussion last night, and one of the panelists talked about "Permission to Fail" - allowing young adults to make significant choices and live the consequences.

HTH

((HUGS))

Sue

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 11:16pm

Hi Cheryl -


I think you need to get him in with a counselor who can speak to the gifted side of things. I think the fact that he is gifted has more to do with it than anything you "did". Dump the guilt momma :) I always say of our oldest son "he is so laid back I fear he may start going backwards" - does this ring ture for you too? I really think these guys get held back so much by the structure in traditional schooling that they do loose motiivation because they are also smart enough to know it does not matter - really. For my son talking to someone, other than me, who fully believed and supported him regarding the gifted thing helped him more than anything.


I would suggest getting him to GO anywhere - a state school far away or sign up for AmeriCorps or some other volunteer/work opportunity. He needs to find something beyond skateboarding that he is passionate about - for my son it is World of Warcraft - really consider yourself lucky :)


I think many kids who saw two planes crash into two buildings are hesitant to move out into the big world on their own. These kids took much of the conversation after 9/11 to heart. They get the importance of family but they lack the maturity to understand they need to move on and create a life of their own to add to the family. Many fear success as much as failure - it is better to stay with what you know than to risk looking stupid or even worse - make a mistake.


You are requiring more of him now - I were further along in my education -

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 8:57am

As far as this being your fault, we all feel like we are at fault when our kids do something wrong or don't live up to expectations. We all say, what did I do wrong? But the fact of the matter is that we did what we could for them and the best that we could at the time we did it. No one is to blame unless you didn't give him the basics of food and shelter, which I am sure you have done.>>>>>>>>>>


Thank you for these words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 9:33am

All of the advice you have received is good stuff!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 9:59am

I agree with everything you wrote Court, but especially this rung a bell for me:


I think many kids who saw two planes crash into two buildings are hesitant to move out into the big world on their own. These kids took much of the conversation after 9/11 to heart. They get the importance of family but they lack the maturity to understand they need to move on and create a life of their own to add to the family.


None of my guys were able to find their passion in life until they enlisted, and now their passion is to "be a part of making sure 9/11 never happens again."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:53am
I can relate, my 18 yr old is doing well but I can not help but wonder or think things like..."maybe I babied her too much" or "did I make sure I told her everything she needs to know in the grown up world"...I am struggling with my role on how to help her in the adult world now but I think...we do our best, the best we know how and that is good enough...at least we know in our hearts we tried to prepare them for everything and now they must take what we taught them and learn now to use it and if they do not its not our fault.....sometimes the new freedom of being an "adult" makes them act unlike themselves but most of the time it wears off after the real world starts to hit them hard enough...I think we have to stand back and let them fall on their own and wait for them to reach out their hands to us so we can help pick them up and dust them off...the independence of "adult" children is just as hard for parents as it is for kids...I think you are handling it just as well as the rest of us....blessings to you and your family
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 1:38pm

sometimes the new freedom of being an "adult" makes them act unlike themselves but most of the time it wears off after the real world starts to hit them hard enough...


Sometimes I think the freedom of being an "adult" can also scare them into inaction for awhile too.

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