I completely agree with the others who have responded so far. You have every right to monitor your minor child's computer usage. I know that kids want their privacy, but it is for their own safety. I have found at least 3 instances when my kids were doing things on the Internet that might have been dangerous--and those are only the times that I saw. There could have been more. Closing windows or minimizing screens can be a warning sign that he's doing something you wouldn't approve of. My kids detest when I read over their shoulder (as I do if they do it to me!). So I don't do that. But in our house, my kids know that in order for them to have any computer privileges (or AIM or Facebook, etc.), I must have their passwords and their AIM is set so that their conversations are logged. (I don't stress the last point-- just that I get to set their AIM preferences and if they change them, they'll lose their privileges.) They know from experience that I do some periodic monitoring. They are very resourceful and erase their history at times, etc., but they still manage to leave a trail! LOL.
What's really hard in your situation is that your DH isn't supporting you in this. If he is a reasonable man, you should be able to find plenty of literature out there to prove to him that the Internet can be a dangerous place. You would want to know who your son was hanging out with if he went out somewhere, wouldn't you? Well, he can talk to just about anyone on the Internet and--as kids refuse to realize--people they "meet" on the Internet are not always what they seem to be. There are predators out there just waiting for unsuspecting kids to log on to certain sites, believe me. I've seen it happen w/ my own 2 kids. Also, as a responsible parent, you need to see what info he is posting on his MySpace page.
I dont believe we should be in our kids private business unless there is good reason. If grades are falling, he is cutting school regularly, or you just have that mom instinct that something is right, I go along with the snooping
But I do think they are entitled to increased privacy as they age. I certainly don't walk in on my 15 yr old son while he is in the shower. And it is my house, my bathroom and I pay the water bill, right? Now, if I heard a big thud and he didnt respond to my call, sure, Id walk in there.
I think you should compromise a little. He should be allowed to minimize the window. He might be looking at a Ferrari; he knows he wont be getting one for his birthday but we all like to dream a little. And he sure doesnt need mom going "well, you better get your grades up if you think you will be buying one of those" Boys look at naked girls on teh internet-ask your DH if he ever looked at pictures of naked women as a teen. Or do you really need to?
Would he agree to a quick look at his MySpace page without making you a friend? I understand wanting to see that he hasnt posted his name and address or a picture of himself that will be pulled up by a future employer
And I certainly think you can limit computer time-that is different than the privacy issue in my opinion
I do think Dh was out of line-as with any parenting issue, that conversation should have been held privately
There was a post recently where a mother of an older teen was upset because his GF had apparently read his email. She was appalled that someone would do that and made some assumptions about a girl who would do this
It certainly got MY mind churning. What exactly are we modeling for our teens in terms of teaching them about respecting privacy of others?
JMHO. You know your son and your situation better than anyone.
"I dont believe we should be in our kids private business unless there is good reason."
I agree to a point which is why I didn't have to check on DS for a year and a half. Unfortunately, I had to start again at 16 and 1/2 after he started dating a girl who was pressuring him for all his time. He lost weight, didn't look healthy, and his grades were dismal after the school year started. I had no choice but to get into his business - but it was ALL above board. After I accumulated many facts about him, school and his relationship, DH and I sat him down and went over everything and the lifelong consequences that could occur if he stayed on this route. I wouldn't have had any real idea what was going on unless I got into his private business - and the fact is that I am his parent and really have every right to do whatever necessary to keep my child on a healthy path. I have no regrets and now have my son back. He thanked me a few days ago for helping him through this. I told him I was incredibly proud of what he's accomplished since everything came out, and now he has the information he needs to make better choices in the future.
I couldn't agree with you more. When my DD was only 13, someone she "met"on a pen pal website--who she thought was another kid her age--sent her a link to some really disgusting Internet porn. She was very, very upset by it, and the only reason we found out was because of our periodic monitoring of Internet history, etc. If only I had found out sooner, I might have spared her having to see those images. She was relieved when we confronted her about it and she could finally let out how upset she was.
Also, we can't always go by "I won't check unless I see signs of trouble" because twice already, I've caught my DS13 communicating with strangers who he "met" by going to some very questionable (practically porn) web sites. And by all appearances, he is a perfectly happy kid, so there were no warning signs to tip me off. As I've mentioned in other threads, he has gone so far as to call one of these people on his cell phone--we've already had to change his number twice.
I'm not talking about snooping on their private conversations. I wouldn't listen in on their phone calls or read a private journal, etc. But some judicious monitoring of Internet activity is absolutely essential. No matter how mature they may seem, their brains are not fully developed. They don't have the judgment yet to fully know what is safe and what isn't. As far as a right to privacy--yes, as long as we know they are being safe. I wouldn't let my kids leave the house to go off somewhere without knowing where they are going and with whom. This is no more an invasion of privacy than that is.
My kids knew from the outset that I have the absolute RIGHT to monitor computers, cell phone use, email accounts - anything at all! They also know that I won't do it just to be snoopy. I think in
I agree that you have the right to say what happens on your computer. The one thing that you might try, from what it says in your post it sound like you already have a My Space of your own. If you search him, you will be able to see if he is set on private as you won't be able to view his profile etc. if it is on private. You also might search his school name and see if he comes up on that, search a friend and see if you can get to him by that. If he is set on private you shouldn't be able to get into his profile at all. At least you will know if he is being honest about that. But if you can easily get into his profile through a friend or something, you will see what he has posted.
I would talk to dh about a couple things. First of all the whole thing with contradicting you in front of him is just a really bad practice. He will be able to play one against the other and it will eventually cause some problems in your relationship with dh. I would also talk to dh about how you feel about this internet thing. Maybe a compromise, if he shows you that his My Space is private you are fine with it and won't "snoop" into it any more. Or if he will get you on once and you see that all is fine, you will be fine with it.
My dd used to shrink things too. She just didn't want me reading her "private" conversations. Nothing was being said that I couldn't see or know about, she just wanted privacy. BUT when I told her to put the conversation back up so I could just see who she was talking to she did it. If she had reacted the way your son did and passworded her acct. that would have been a really big problem. I understand your concerns and think there needs to be some cooperation here.
The only thing I question here is how old your son it. I think we are all feeling that he is a young teen and not an 18 or 19 yo guy. If we are right on that count, fine, if we are wrong and he is older things change a bit. KWIM?
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First off, you can win that battle pretty easy.
I completely agree with the others who have responded so far. You have every right to monitor your minor child's computer usage. I know that kids want their privacy, but it is for their own safety. I have found at least 3 instances when my kids were doing things on the Internet that might have been dangerous--and those are only the times that I saw. There could have been more. Closing windows or minimizing screens can be a warning sign that he's doing something you wouldn't approve of. My kids detest when I read over their shoulder (as I do if they do it to me!). So I don't do that. But in our house, my kids know that in order for them to have any computer privileges (or AIM or Facebook, etc.), I must have their passwords and their AIM is set so that their conversations are logged. (I don't stress the last point-- just that I get to set their AIM preferences and if they change them, they'll lose their privileges.) They know from experience that I do some periodic monitoring. They are very resourceful and erase their history at times, etc., but they still manage to leave a trail! LOL.
What's really hard in your situation is that your DH isn't supporting you in this. If he is a reasonable man, you should be able to find plenty of literature out there to prove to him that the Internet can be a dangerous place. You would want to know who your son was hanging out with if he went out somewhere, wouldn't you? Well, he can talk to just about anyone on the Internet and--as kids refuse to realize--people they "meet" on the Internet are not always what they seem to be. There are predators out there just waiting for unsuspecting kids to log on to certain sites, believe me. I've seen it happen w/ my own 2 kids. Also, as a responsible parent, you need to see what info he is posting on his MySpace page.
I dont believe we should be in our kids private business unless there is good reason. If grades are falling, he is cutting school regularly, or you just have that mom instinct that something is right, I go along with the snooping
But I do think they are entitled to increased privacy as they age. I certainly don't walk in on my 15 yr old son while he is in the shower. And it is my house, my bathroom and I pay the water bill, right? Now, if I heard a big thud and he didnt respond to my call, sure, Id walk in there.
I think you should compromise a little. He should be allowed to minimize the window. He might be looking at a Ferrari; he knows he wont be getting one for his birthday but we all like to dream a little. And he sure doesnt need mom going "well, you better get your grades up if you think you will be buying one of those" Boys look at naked girls on teh internet-ask your DH if he ever looked at pictures of naked women as a teen. Or do you really need to?
Would he agree to a quick look at his MySpace page without making you a friend? I understand wanting to see that he hasnt posted his name and address or a picture of himself that will be pulled up by a future employer
And I certainly think you can limit computer time-that is different than the privacy issue in my opinion
I do think Dh was out of line-as with any parenting issue, that conversation should have been held privately
There was a post recently where a mother of an older teen was upset because his GF had apparently read his email. She was appalled that someone would do that and made some assumptions about a girl who would do this
It certainly got MY mind churning. What exactly are we modeling for our teens in terms of teaching them about respecting privacy of others?
JMHO. You know your son and your situation better than anyone.
I'm not sure that I see the comparison between walking in on your ds taking a shower and occasionally monitoring his on-line activity.
"I dont believe we should be in our kids private business unless there is good reason."
I agree to a point which is why I didn't have to check on DS for a year and a half. Unfortunately, I had to start again at 16 and 1/2 after he started dating a girl who was pressuring him for all his time. He lost weight, didn't look healthy, and his grades were dismal after the school year started. I had no choice but to get into his business - but it was ALL above board. After I accumulated many facts about him, school and his relationship, DH and I sat him down and went over everything and the lifelong consequences that could occur if he stayed on this route. I wouldn't have had any real idea what was going on unless I got into his private business - and the fact is that I am his parent and really have every right to do whatever necessary to keep my child on a healthy path. I have no regrets and now have my son back. He thanked me a few days ago for helping him through this. I told him I was incredibly proud of what he's accomplished since everything came out, and now he has the information he needs to make better choices in the future.
Lisa
Pam,
I couldn't agree with you more. When my DD was only 13, someone she "met"on a pen pal website--who she thought was another kid her age--sent her a link to some really disgusting Internet porn. She was very, very upset by it, and the only reason we found out was because of our periodic monitoring of Internet history, etc. If only I had found out sooner, I might have spared her having to see those images. She was relieved when we confronted her about it and she could finally let out how upset she was.
Also, we can't always go by "I won't check unless I see signs of trouble" because twice already, I've caught my DS13 communicating with strangers who he "met" by going to some very questionable (practically porn) web sites. And by all appearances, he is a perfectly happy kid, so there were no warning signs to tip me off. As I've mentioned in other threads, he has gone so far as to call one of these people on his cell phone--we've already had to change his number twice.
I'm not talking about snooping on their private conversations. I wouldn't listen in on their phone calls or read a private journal, etc. But some judicious monitoring of Internet activity is absolutely essential. No matter how mature they may seem, their brains are not fully developed. They don't have the judgment yet to fully know what is safe and what isn't. As far as a right to privacy--yes, as long as we know they are being safe. I wouldn't let my kids leave the house to go off somewhere without knowing where they are going and with whom. This is no more an invasion of privacy than that is.
Elena
I agree that you have the right to say what happens on your computer. The one thing that you might try, from what it says in your post it sound like you already have a My Space of your own. If you search him, you will be able to see if he is set on private as you won't be able to view his profile etc. if it is on private. You also might search his school name and see if he comes up on that, search a friend and see if you can get to him by that. If he is set on private you shouldn't be able to get into his profile at all. At least you will know if he is being honest about that. But if you can easily get into his profile through a friend or something, you will see what he has posted.
I would talk to dh about a couple things. First of all the whole thing with contradicting you in front of him is just a really bad practice. He will be able to play one against the other and it will eventually cause some problems in your relationship with dh. I would also talk to dh about how you feel about this internet thing. Maybe a compromise, if he shows you that his My Space is private you are fine with it and won't "snoop" into it any more. Or if he will get you on once and you see that all is fine, you will be fine with it.
My dd used to shrink things too. She just didn't want me reading her "private" conversations. Nothing was being said that I couldn't see or know about, she just wanted privacy. BUT when I told her to put the conversation back up so I could just see who she was talking to she did it. If she had reacted the way your son did and passworded her acct. that would have been a really big problem. I understand your concerns and think there needs to be some cooperation here.
The only thing I question here is how old your son it. I think we are all feeling that he is a young teen and not an 18 or 19 yo guy. If we are right on that count, fine, if we are wrong and he is older things change a bit. KWIM?
Hello
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