My take on the snooping issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
My take on the snooping issue
9
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 11:01am

I decided to make a "new" post for this because the subject was taking away from the poster's original question, and I didn't think i was being fair by doing that.

I don't believe I was clear in communicating my position at all, as the posts that followed mine gave me the impression that what was going on in my head, and what I was typing, were two different things. So I'm going to try to clarify.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I BELIEVE THAT MY POSITIONS ARE BASED ON THE IDEA THAT YOUR (OR MY) CHILD IS NOT EXHIBITING QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOR - IF THAT IS THE CASE, ALL BETS ARE OFF - WE ALL HAVE TO DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN.

1. Snooping for snooping sake - I don't condone it - at all. Someone mentioned that if the parents of the Colombine kids had snooped more, we might have avoided that tragedy. True...but based on what I see written here, most of the parents on this board are well-attuned to idiosyncracies in their children - and changes in behavior - and act accordingly. If you are concerned about your child's behavior, yes, it's your responsibility to protect them - and snooping may be the only way to stay informed.

However, I believe there is a difference between snooping because they "won't tell us anything" and snooping because we believe there's a problem. An otherwise well-adjusted teenager, having no peer or school problems, holding a job, exhibiting no behavior issues, who refuses to talk on the phone with her parents in the room, or hides her diary or minimizes her IM conversations everytime mom walks in is just being a normal teenager who deserves the right to be trusted to behave apporpriately. A teenager that exhibits poor choices on a regular basis, has behavior and/or grade issues, suddenly has a change in clothing, behavior, or attitude, no longer associates with the same friends, loses weight, etc....THAT child needs mom snooping to see what's going on.

That was my point on snooping for snooping sake...when it's because we're concerned with our children, I believe it's justified. When it's because we're NOSY because they won't share every minute detail of their lives with us, I don't.

(I still don't think I was clear here, but hopefully I was clearER).

2. Closets vs. wallets...NO ONE is going to agree with me on this. I absolutely think there's a difference between the wallet and the closet. The closet is MINE - the drawers are MINE - the diary and wallet belong to my child. Again, if I believe my child is exhibiting questionable behavior, all bets are off - the wallet, diary, pockets, etc. But if life is moving along at an otherwise normal rate, I have the right to go into bedroom in MY house - I have a right to demand that the closet be cleaned. I have the right to go into every drawer and closet in MY home for any reason I so choose - and my kids are accountable for whatever I find - if you don't want me to find it, don't put it in the closet. If I fold your laundry and open your sock drawer and find a bag of weed, don't complain to me about going into your drawers. Technically, they're MY drawers.

The wallet/purse/diary is a different story. These are your PERSONAL things. I know my son keeps notes written by friends in his wallet - notes that don't MEAN anything, but that he doesn't want mom to see. At 17, if he's not exhibiting questionable behavior, I believe it's inappropriate for me to go into his wallet.

A comparison might be the employer/employee relationship. My boss has a key to my office. She can come in here anytime she wants and go through drawers, credenzas, files - anything - because technically, although my name is on the door, it's HER office. She does NOT, however, have the right to go into my purse - which is MINE.

Take the police. They can search your car. Without serious just cause, they cannot search your person and/or your purse.

3. "Checking out" because they're almost 18. Believe me - I did NOT mean that at this point, we should stop all parenting - including snooping. I was just pointing out that at 17, almost 18, I would hope we have begun to indoctrinate our children into the adult world - because it's out there waiting for them. Things like privacy and respect for property become far more important to teenagers as they develop things to be private about and GET property - to let them think they can't accidentally leave their wallet on the kitchen table because Mom might go through it just because it's her right to do so does nothing to teach them adult respect. I want to be able to leave MY wallet laying around without the fear that my kids are going to rifle through it - they deserve the same.

Again - all this is predicated by the potential of "just cause." If you're stopped by the police, and they believe they have cause to search you, they can - and will. If they don't, you have a case against them.

I believe it's the same here - if you have REASON to believe your child needs protection - is exhibiting questionable behavior or doing things that might endanger himself, his friends, or his family, by all means, it is our responsibility as a parent to find out what's going on - regardless of how old the child is.

But as they move toward adulthood, if they're NOT behaving inappropriately or raising red flags, I believe we need to afford them the same privacy we want for ourselves.

I hope I was clearer in my position and didn't offend anyone - peace!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:35pm
I def. agree w/ you on this. My DD leaves her purse lying around. I would never think of going through it or her wallet. She used to have a notebook a couple of years ago that she and her friend would write notes back & forth to each other. Even if she left it on the desk, I wouldn't look at it. My DH had some issues (considering we're a blended family) of the kids not taking his stuff, mainly goodies that he wanted to save for himself. It might have been kind of silly but I could see his point, which was that if everyone knew that these things were his, they shouldn't touch it w/o asking, but if they wanted some, they could ask and he would give them some. His rationale was that he wouldn't go into their rooms and touch their stuff w/o asking so they should respect his things too. I know parents have diff. rights than kids because we are responsible, but it's kind of hard to give the message that everybody should respect each other's things and right to privacy if the parents don't. Other than a concern about a dangerous behavior, I would never consider snooping around my kids' stuff. It would just make them hide whatever they are doing more, not foster communication between the parents & child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:36pm
I think you and I are on the same page. I used to snoop on one of my DSs 22 because he had given me a lot of reason to think he might be into things he shouldn't be. I have never snooped on DS 19 because I never had reason to believe he was headed down the wrong road - an occasional misstep yes, but nothing really major. The other two kids - snooped on rare occasions when I had "just cause." Like unusual behavior, unusual secrecy, etc. But snooping for snooping's sake... I think it undermines trust between a parent and child. Technically I could probably still pretty easily snoop on the guys if I wanted to - two of them still live here, and all 3 of them had me keep their email accounts active by logging in once a month while they were at basic training and unable to do so. I doubt that any of them have changed their password, so I probably could snoop if I wanted to - but why? It would pretty much just to be nosy, and IMHO, snooping just to be nosy is wrong.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 2:23pm
Very well said!!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:32pm

I agree. I've only snooped on my 19dd once when I thought she and her gf's were smoking pot.

I've snooped on my 17dd way more often...but she has a history of being impulsive and making poor choices, getting herself into tight/dangerous situations, so I feel my snooping is warranted in her case. I do not routinely go through her wallet or purse or pants pockets. Basically, she shares everything with me and I have learned to let her work out the normal teenage drama and angst on her own. It was tough at first, knowing what type of kid she is, but how else will she learn to be responsible for herself if she's alway got Big Mother watching?? lol -

Besides I wasn't an angel when I was teen, so I usually pick up on the small nuances when they are up to something and go with my gut. lol

Everything you wrote is dead-on true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 5:12pm

I'm with you-I dont agree with prophylactic snooping either(pun intended)

I have only snooped on one of my three and it was when I had serious concerns; I have found some things truly by accident-flipped the oldest's mattress for wear, for example, and found porn magazines.

Another way to look at it would be that relying on snooping keeps you from honing your 'mom instinct'. You get dependent on it and fail to watch for the subtle stuff; you lose faith in your gut and perhaps have a sense of false security from your searches

There was a thread on another board about where drug users hide their stash-in the toes of their shoes is one I remember. How many moms are checking there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 7:28am

I agree with you 100%. Going through our teens stuff simply because we are curious about what is going on in their lives is reprehensible. Where there is true concern sparked by significant changes in behaviour it is in their best interests, ultimately, to attempt to find out what is going on. Even then I would ONLY do so if they refused to willingly answer my questions.

Again, there is a huge distinction here between what you do with a 13 yo and a 17 yo. At the latter half of their adolescence there needs to be more open communication vs sneaking around.

I also really dislike using the word "snooping" because it implies something sneaky and underhanded.

My 15 yo has never given me cause to do anything like this, thankfully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 9:54am

What a conversation for me to arrive on the board with.

I agree with you 100%

I have reaason to believe that two of my dd's age 17 and 15 are having some trouble. i'll put that in another post.

Lately i've had things go missing. a necklace here or there just some small things. so this morning when they left for school i snooped their room and found quite a few things that i was missing tht they claimed not to have seen.

I'm having way more problems with these two than is normal and i'd like to tallk to you all in another post.

Robin

Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 3:38pm
You made yourself clear. I agree on the snooping issue. But I have a question: What if it is your teen doing the snooping in your drawers in your room (the parents' room that is supposed to be off limits to the kids)? What then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 4:08pm

Absolutely not - my children have NO BUSINESS in my drawers unless I specifically tell them to go into them. There are things that would be considered inappropriate for children to have in their rooms that it's perfectly ok for adults to have - there are private papers - medical records - things it is just no business of my children - and therefore, they know they are not allowed in my drawers.

It is up to you what level of privacy you set up in your own home - some parents have no problems with their kids rifling through their drawers and closets (their attitude is "I have nothing to hide"). I tend to take the position that by not allowing them in my drawers, I abdicate them from any responsibility if something disappears.

My answer? That's a simple one - a lock on the bedroom door (I learned this early in life when my parents found out one of my babysitters was going through Mom's jewelry).