My teen son hits his younger brother!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
My teen son hits his younger brother!!
17
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:56am
I need advice quick, before I decide to call the police on my son. My older son who is 16 about to be 17 end of August constantly is hitting, shoving, pinching, etc my younger son who is 8 about to be 9 beginning of August. Yes I know younger son can be a little annoying to older son, but it works both ways. It's to the point that my younger son came to me almost in tears and could not breath, older son had punched him in the ribs for coming in his room. It's getting worse each time this sort of thing happens. I told him next time he lays a finger on brother that I would come after him myself (I actually would like to hit him myself for being abusive or call the police to come talk to him about his abusiveness). What do other parents do??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:03pm

Sorry, I don't have any good advice for you. Hitting and other physical aggression in our house is absolutely forbidden and my two have NEVER struck each other. I am interested in seeing what others have to say. For example, why has this situation been allowed to go as far as it has?

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:12pm
I don't have any advice, either.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:17pm

That sounds completely unacceptable - but I find it interesting that you want to deal with violence, by doling out more of the same. Did you discipline him with spanking, and/or physically when he was younger? I do think you need help immediately - perhaps counseling for the family. There are ways of disciplining without the use of force. I would start by taking away privileges from your teenager. Does he have a cell phone/car/t.v./computer, etc.?

I also have a 16ds and 10ds but my issue is that they still roughhouse together - even with the huge size difference. Unfortunately, my 10ds loves it at times, and then at other times it reaches a point where he is uncomfortable, and that's when I intervene.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:32pm

I have three boys, 14, 18 and 21

We had some of this with the middle and the youngest-nothing that ever made me consider calling the police, however

Is the youngest exaggerating at all? Not to make your older boy innocent but I clearly remember annoying my brother to the point he smacked me, crying to my parents and then lying on the couch face down snickering while my parents yelled at him. It was only one time(well, that I remember ;)) and I was a 'good kid'. We were 6 and 1/2 years apart

I have no idea what my motivation was-I really dont!

I would sit them down and hear them both out. Come up with some ground rules for both-no reason for the younger to be in the olders room, for example

Put consequences in place for breach of rules. Oldest should come to YOU if younger breaks a rule but you WILL have to act. Likewise, oldest should lose a privilege or be grounded if he takes matters into his own hands

I would also try to schedule some more activities for the 8 yr old-he sounds bored. Perhaps something for both of them-miniature golf, the community pool once or twice a week

My older boys now sometimes share stuff about their childhoods in an 'adult' manner. I would say, in general, it appears I had too much of a tendency to blame the older ones when the younger one should have had at least equal consequences

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:43pm
No I would never hit my children, but this has made me so angry with older son. Over the past year his behavior has just gotten so much worse. Acting out, having sex, sneaking out his window, breaking curfew, getting tickets for speeding. Grounding has not helped. Talking calm with him does not help. Taking vehicle, computer, phone away has not helped. He just goes right back to being a jerk to his brother, me and his dad. I am just sick about his behavior, I'm ready to say....GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE if you can't keep your hands off brother and live by our rules.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:56pm

I really don't have any BTDT advice for this one b/c my girls have never been fighters. The most they've ever done was argue over the make-up on the bathroom counter and since DD hasn't lived at home in over 6 years even that's a distance memory. I can tell you that I would be inclined to take privileges away from the oldest - car keys, computer, cell phone, whatever it takes the next time it happens. Sit him down, tell him this is not acceptable behavior and what the consequences will be the next time it happens. Ask him to spell out which behavior the younger one does that upsets him the most and talk to the youngest about not doing that. Also tell the youngest, he will be disciplined if his behavior continues. Then follow through on these conversatins, the next time youngest goes into oldest's room without permission do not allow the youngest to watch his favorite TV show for a while or whatever. Both kids need to see that they are responsible for their actions.

Good Luck!!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:18pm

Does your older son have a history of anger issues, learning disabilities, temper tantrums, etc.?

I would contact his DR and request a recommendation for a qualified therapist so your son can figure out A) why is he so angry; B) Why does he feel it's okay to lash out as his much younger brother; C) learn some self control and anger management techniques to help him evaluate each situation as it arises - to learn how to guage any given situation to see what level of anger is reasonable and acceptable (striking and hitting is NEVER an appropriate way to handle anger).

When I first saw the title of your post, I was thinking they must be very close in age, as sibling rivalry and wrestling would be somewhat normal. However, your younger son is MUCH too young for his 16, almost 17 y/o brother to be messing with AT ALL.

I hesitate to suggest a call to the police, because once you're in the system, that's really not so fun. I'd try the therapist route first. Have your older son evaluated for other issues. He may be suffering from a mood disorder and outburst and physical violence is his way of manifesting it, which would warrant treatment, perhaps even medication.

Try not to blame yourself, especially if there is no history of physical violence in the home. This really sounds more like an internal issue rather than an environmental issue to me.

Best of luck.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:55pm

I have 2 boys, 19 and 15 now. When they were younger, the older always seemed to be making the younger cry. I would send them to their rooms for fighting. I didn't care who started it, I just punished them both, equally.

After reading this part of the thread, I have a feeling that punishing them both won't make a dent in the works. You might try talking to your younger son and just tell him to stay away from big brother until he gets his head screwed on straight. When my older son went thru his "teen angst", that's what I told my younger. Just stay out of his way. He will get past this and become your big brother again. Older brother was punished when he hit the younger (usually by grounding), but at the same time, I felt it prudent to keep the younger out of his way, so to speak.

In the mean time, you might see if your older son will speak to a couselor of some sort, to see if his acting out is just heavy-duty teen rebellion, or if there is some kind of deeper problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:23pm
Thank you for the advice. I do ask my younger son to stay away from brother, but he goes right back and most of the time all he wants to do is hang out with him. I so appreciate your post. I just feel like I'm at the end of my sanity rope ~ with all this teen rebellion and outbursts of anger. I will continue to try and keep younger son out of older son's way and I'll continue to ground older son for is mean spirited actions. Thanks for letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:00pm

It sounds like you guys would benefit from some family counseling. Sibling stuff can get rough (I know my two know how to get under each other's skin!), but it shouldn't be that violent. It could be that your older DS needs some specific help as well - to help him figure out why he's so angry and physical about it.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

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