My teen son hits his younger brother!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
My teen son hits his younger brother!!
17
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:56am
I need advice quick, before I decide to call the police on my son. My older son who is 16 about to be 17 end of August constantly is hitting, shoving, pinching, etc my younger son who is 8 about to be 9 beginning of August. Yes I know younger son can be a little annoying to older son, but it works both ways. It's to the point that my younger son came to me almost in tears and could not breath, older son had punched him in the ribs for coming in his room. It's getting worse each time this sort of thing happens. I told him next time he lays a finger on brother that I would come after him myself (I actually would like to hit him myself for being abusive or call the police to come talk to him about his abusiveness). What do other parents do??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:17pm
The age difference here really alarms me. My daughters fight - verbally. They are 13 and 8 and of course they don't always get along - and the younger one HAS hit or pinched in frustration (and of course gets serious consequences for that) but the older one DOES NOT lash back because she is obviously bigger, stronger (and hopefully more mature!). Likewise, my 15 year old foster son does not get along at all with my 13year old, but he's 6 feet tall and weighs 200 pounds, so he knows perfectly well he can't get "physical" with his frustration. I don't know why your son doesn't "get" that, but I think you absolutely nailed it with the word "abuse". a 17 year old physically injuring an 8 year old is not sibling rivalry - it is assault. And YOUR first duty, as you know, is to protect your younger child - so whatever you decide to do - counselling, police involvement, or whatever - please do it NOW! I know this must be difficult - please keep us updated. ps - I don't mean to scare you, but the fact of the matter is that children HAVE been removed from their homes by Children's Services because they are not being protected from sibling abuse. If your son were to tell anyone what is happening, their could be involvement on that level and then the situation really would be out of your control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:23pm
A question related to that. I find it interesting that a couple people have said that they don't "allow" it, and therefore it doesn't happen. I'm wondering if that always works? For instance, no parent "allows" their child to become addicted to drugs, turn to a life of crime, or get pregnant at 14 - but it DOES happen. We can certainly make our expectations and values clear, and impose consequences for inappropriate behaviour, but I don't think we can prevent ANY child from doing something just because we don't allow it. I'm seriously exploring this issue, because as you know I have a 15 year old foster son, and he's shaken my former beliefs about my own parenting. (He's also made me learn a lot, which is great!). For instance, we have issues with him being verbally abusive to my older daughter - I can't just say "that isn't allowed" because, obviously, he DOES it, whether it is allowed or not. So I'm trying everything in my power to eliminate the behaviour (and I'm still working on it. Consequences so far aren't effective, because he takes the punishment, but doesn't change his behaviour - so obviously I have to find a different approach!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:09pm

OUCH! I'm with HeartsandRoses and the other (forgot name sorry) your son needs an eval and I bet there is some family counseling needed as well. This sort of behavior does not spring forth from a vaccuum. The age difference is what is REALLY getting my attention as well. 8 years difference is just way too great to see this sort of banter.


My boys are 2 years apart and my older DS got it into his head for a while to get rough with younger (and much smaller)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:41pm
HOWEVER - it comes back to the age difference! Your sons were much closer in age and more "peers", so telling the younger one to keep away from the older one makes sense. In this case, though, we are talking about, basically, a man punching a child. I don't think it is the 8 year old's "job" to stay out of his brother's way and not annoy him. That's a lot to expect from such a little boy- that he protect himself by not annoying his abuser.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:59pm
I dont know if this is a good suggestion or not but what about going to the police and explaining the situation to an officer. They might agree to a housecall just to put a scare into the kid - maybe an explanation from them as to the fact that this is a form of abuse might put an end to the problem. In the meantime, I'd do my best to keep the younger one away from his brother. Saying "we dont allow this" in our house does nothing. Like one other poster said, we "dont allow our kids to drink" some still do, "we dont allow our kids to have sex before marriage", some still do and get pregnant, the list goes on and on. In my situation, DS being out of school and having no job and still living at home isnt "acceptable" but I'm struggling with kicking the kid out and all that goes with it. Everything isnt black and white.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:24pm

I've seen this alot too, and imo what it comes down to is that parents who say they "do not allow it" have never really had to deal with it. You are so right in that just "not allowing it" doesn't work. Girls get pg, kids smoke, drink and experiment with drugs whether parents "allow it" or not. It's just not that simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:57pm
I suppose that a large part of it is setting the right tone and instilling your values from the start. Maybe they also mean nipping it in the bud by imposing consequences the first time it happens (as a teacher I see parents let things slide and slide and then they are suprised when something "big" happens). But in the end, I think we truly have to understand that the kids will take what they WANT to from our messages - and they may ignore them and do all the wrong things anyway!

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