My teen is ungrateful?
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| Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:58am |
I have an almost 16-year-old daughter/step daughter. I married her father when she was 7 her mother passed away when she was a baby so I am the only mother she knows.
She has 2 sisters 3 and 6 and a brother in the way – due in October
I’ve been a stay-at-home for a long time, she always had extra curricular activities at school, meaning she doesn’t come home on a regular bus I have to get her. I have been thinking of how many times I’ve had to stop making dinner put her two sisters in the car and go get her – nearly every day – OK so this is part of parenthood, many parents do that for their kids. She doesn’t drive so I still have to drive her around.
Because of some financial difficulties I had to go to work part-time, I work 2 days a week. For the summer she watches her sister those two days and I pay her. I’m asking her to continue watching one sister after school 2 days a week for a few more weeks until baby arrives. This means she will have to miss cross-country practice two days a week.
She is not very happy about that, telling me she has to miss practice plus a few races and will “ruin” her (I am sending an e-mail to her coach to ask him if it is ok to miss practice a few times).
I am so upset about this – all I hear from her is me me me me - this is the first time ever I ask her to miss practice this many times. I am throwing her a sweet 16 birthday party with lots of people. She still thinking I am being unfair.
Am I being unfair? any comments will be helpful.

I know that at my DD's school, if you miss practice, you don't get to play the next game.
Lisa
Mom to Play Pal Darren
and Big Sisters Taylor and Jenna
Well, at the risk of sounding rude...of *course* she's ungrateful....she's a *teenager*! :) I know, that doesn't help, but it is very very typical. I hate it when my teens think I am in the world only for their benefit, and when that happens, I find it helpful for me to sometimes become *unavailable" for them for a time or two. And explain that I'm unavailable because they are being unreasonable, or disrespectful, or whatever. (But picking them up from school things just comes with the territory, that can't be one of the things you are *unavailable* for. Taking her to the mall, on the other hand...that's game!) Also, not that it helps any, but your throwing her a sweet 16 party has nothing to do with you asking her to babysit (in her eyes).
Now, in her defense...missing cross-country practice and/or races *could* have a very harmful effect on your dd with the coaches/teamates. If you have never dealt with a coach before, then this is probably very suprising. Yes, it is *just* cross country, and yes, it is *just* practice and yes she might miss a *couple* of races, it is a BIG deal to the coach. (It does depend on the school and the coach, I'm sure). And just as an aside...my own experience tells me that even if the coach *says* it's no big deal, that may not be necessarily true. Your dd may lose her position within the team, she could be picked upon by the coach AND her teammates for missing races, etc. I'm telling you, it can be pretty cut-throat in sports. Not always, but it can be. So her saying you are *ruining* her x-country racing career---well, there may be a *little* drama in that, but it could very well make her life difficult for a little while.
In the interests of your dd, is there *any way* you could get someone else to watch the little ones instead of your dd? Perhaps another mom, you could trade off days to watch each other's kids or something. I may feel this way because my boys are big into sports and they do *not* miss a practice. Coach would have a fit. Shoot, they get ticked off when they get *hurt*, I can only imagine what it would be like if they missed because I needed them at home. :-o
I'm afraid she is right!
Well, I think you are forgetting what it is like being 16 and having a coach and team depend on you - or at least hoping they depend on you. I will tell you most Varsity coaches are not going to be very supportive of any athlete missing a few practices. He may tell you there is no problem with it but I have coached and I have seen the pressure the coach and other players put on their teammates. This is particularly true for sports in which students are cut from - cross country is probably not that way but runner pushing each other to better their times is a component.
You may only be hearing me me me - as most parents of teens do but that is actually much deeper than not really appreciating you or your time. Whatshe is really saying is "If I don't go to practice my friends will be mad at me and I will be loosing the group I hang out with" or "If I am not there they will all be mad at me." and I would imagine she does understand that she is needed but the adolescent's need to belong is huge!
How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens talk may be a good read for you. The kids version is also good.
Good Luck
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
thank you for all your replies -
I was so mad when I left the house today - I was about to lecture her but decided to cool off first. Your responses helped me calm down and see things differently.
Thank you very much