My teenage son is going to be a dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
My teenage son is going to be a dad
35
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:22pm

I guess I just want a chance to vent a bit. My teenage son is nineteen and involved with a girl who, though sweet, has had a miserable upbringing. In group homes and foster care most of her life because her mom was an very unfit mother and she never knew who her father was. Her family is very accustomed to having babies in the teen years and thinks that this situation is just fine. My son had a pregnancy scare with her last fall when she informed him that she was pregnant and then the two of them proceeded to sleep together regularly, since she was already pregnant (!). My husband and i were supportive, even offering our home to her and all the counsel we could give her while my son was away out-of-state at college. Then he came home for a weekend so that the two of them could go to her first pregnancy doctor visit at the free clinic. The test was negative! I took her to two more places, since she was insistent that her home pregnancy test showed positive. Both places and the ultrasound proved negative. It became clear that she wanted so badly to be pregnant so that my son would remain involved in her life. We thanked God for the false alarm, told him to keep his zipper zipped, and prayed that this relationship would stop.
Cut to the chase: When she turned 18, her mom (who she was living with for a little while) kicked her out of the apartment. She had no car, no job, and no money. She couch-surfed for a few months and pressured my son to let her come live with him. He said no, since he knew we'd disapprove and wouldn't support him financially if he took her in while he was far away from us going to school. She moved in with another guy (survival mode, i'm sure), was intimate with him, and that was that. Until springtime when my son informed us that they were considering getting back together since he was lonely and still loved her and her current boyfriend was "mean to her and hit her." My son wants so badly to be the hero and wanted to rescue her. We said no to that, but offered our home again, since the alternative, in my son's eyes was her being on the streets. She turned us down and moved out of the boyfriend's apartment with a few friends from work. Then she told my son that she was pregnant with that boyfriend's baby and that he had taken off for California. My son sent her some money to help with her expenses and decided to go and visit her. While there, they were intimate (stupid stupid stupid) and didn't use a condom because "Mom, she was already pregnant". (really stupid). Well, you guessed it...she wasn't pregnant THEN. But after they slept together on that visit, she became pregnant with my son's baby. She claimed that she was and that she "maybe had a miscarriage and didn't know it." My son is starting a fresh start at a new college in two weeks. She is living there with him, they both have gotten jobs, and she refuses to give the baby up for adoption (It's due in February). He has told us for the last two months that things were really stressful for him because he wasn't sure if he could stay together with her and raise another guy's baby. We've been like----well, d'uh, you are just starting college and have no money. And we don't think you, at nineteen, are in any position to take on your girlfriend and another guy's baby to support. I found out just three days ago that it wasn't another guy's baby...that for a month or so my son has found out that her duedate is about six weeks later than she thought it was going to be, and that he is the dad.
My husband and I are just numb, mostly because there is no other family to discuss things with. She is out on her own. We are the only parents involved (although her mother's third ex-husband is a pretty good guy and is paying for her medical bills some). The girl is a ward of the state and can get a free public education. She has enrolled at a community college in the same town that my son lives in. But I feel duped. I feel like "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I want to be loving and supportive, and I've told my son that of course we will be. But damn...I feel used. She had assured me last fall when the pregnancy test proved negative that yes, she had wanted the baby, but that she loved my son very much and could see that it would not have been the right way to start their life together. She was relieved, or so I thought.

I didn't mean to write a book. I just have so much pent-up emotion. I just see no pretty future here. The only thing that is positive is that my son says he loves her, and feels like he will focus more on his schooling since he has to grow up now and won't be wasting his time partying. He also sees that they need to find a place for her to live so that they could have their own space (he has two other roommates).

Maybe this was totally the wrong thing to do here...to write so much. I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry if i broke some rule by doing this, but believe me, it poured out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:30pm

Well I doubt seriously you broke any message board rules!! Sometimes.....venting is the ONLY thing you can do, and it is necessary in order to clear your brain so you can think about what needs to be done. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I must admit to not having any personal experience in this particular type of scenario, but I have a very good friend who is experiencing the same thing. Her situation is a little bit different, but basically she had to make the choice of choosing to be supportive of her son, or not. I know there are others here who can give you much better advice than me, but please come and vent anytime. I've done the same often this summer, and it really is a sanity saver.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:02pm
I don't have a son and my daughters aren't sexually active yet as they are only 13 and 14. My heart just went out to you because you felt you wrote too much. As far as I'm concerned that's what we're here for-- to listen to someone who has a problem or challenge. This is pretty heavy stuff. Of course, you would want to talk alot about it. I guess you have accepted the situation. If he is going to be the father of this child, well, then it is your grandchild. I know a girl this happened to--a daughter of a friend. The girl eventually married a different guy then the father and she is happy now. Yes, I would be upset if it were me. I guess though all you can do now is try to help them have as productive future as possible. I think it's important that your son stay in school so he can make the most of his life. If he loves her and she gets a good education, maybe she will lift herself up through education. I would not want my child to have a child so young . But if it were on the way, I'd just help her all I could. At least he's in college and wants to continue. Let us know how you are doing and don't worry about talking so much. God bless and may this work out as well as possible.
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:45pm
No rules broken, that is what the board is here for, so you write as much and as often as you need to.
My heart goes out to you, you hubby and son. This girl seems like she really knows how to work all the angles. I would be sure to have that baby tested once it is born and be sure it is your son's baby. You don't know just because she says so. And are you positive this time that she is actually pregnant? And once that baby is born, someone needs to talk to this girl about birth control!
I didn't think that if she was over 18 she could be a ward of the state, I thought they were out of the system at that point. They should be sure to check out what services she is entitled to as far as prenatal care, WIC, food stamps, care for the baby once it is born etc. There are a number of things that should be able to help them out, but if this is common in her family, she may already know what is available.
You really are in a tough spot and I don't know how I would feel if I were in that spot. My son is only turning 15 next week.
Sounds like your son will stay in college and finish what he needs to finish.
Your last comment confuses me a little though. You said that he needs to find a place for her to go because he has 3 room mates or something to that effect. Am I misunderstanding or is he thinking she will get her own place and he will stay where he is? Or is he planning to move in with her?
The other thing I need to bring up is the fact that your son should be checked for STD's obviously this girl has been with other guys and since she thought she was pregnant she was not having safe sex. There are not a lot of the STD's that affect males, and he wouldn't have any symptoms, but he could be a carrier and not know it, or he could have one of the ones that does affect males and needs to get treatment. I'm sorry to lay another thing on your plate, but he needs to check it out and stay healthy. His future is too important, with or with out her and a baby to not check it out.
Hang in there Mom, things will work out somehow. You just need to relax a bit and decide with your hubby what role you want to take in this whole situation.
Be sure to come back and keep us updated on the situation and vent any time you want to. That is what we are here for.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:59pm

I second the advice to have a DNA test done after the baby arrives-that's a lot of false positives for one young lady to have

Otherwise, what can you do? I have friend whose 20 yr old dd got pregnant on spring break(yep, with a fling)They were both in college and tried very hard to stay together for the baby, but it didnt work and they went their separate ways after about a year.

My friend ADORES her grandson. I don't think, in a million years, she expected to be that taken with him!

Hang in there!

For me(and Im sure many of us) this is a "There, but for the grace of God, go I" We can talk about condoms until we are blue in the face but we can't be in the dang bedroom to apply them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:04pm
I'm not the mom with the son. I just replied to her. I enjoyed your response-- very perceptive. I just want to make sure she gets it. P.S, I'm a bookworm too! I'm a newbie to the net so I am probably a little confused. Did I say little?LOL I am technically challenged.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:12pm
Dear Kristie,
You bring up some very good points...things that i also have thought of and have brought up. We, of course, wondered if she was indeed pregnant now. (My hubby told him to absolutely stop playing with fire and how would he feel if two months from now he found out that she was 2 1/2 months pregnant). Anyway, I asked him Friday how he knew that she was pregnant for sure and he said that she was feeling very ill a week or so ago (she's been living with him for two weeks---I didn't know and he didn't want to tell us because he knew that we would not financially support him in school if he and she lived together---that's when we thought it was the other guy's baby, but we still feel that way. My son said that she was feeling very ill and they called a cab to take them to the town's hospital to get examined. I guess he was right there when they did an ultrasound and he said "we heard it, Mom," meaning the heartbeat. So, yes, I guess she's pregnant. He doesn't think that there have been any other guys. They have been checked for STDs though I don't think that occured before he slept with her. And, as far as the statement about living arrangements, he said "I know you and dad don't approve of me and her living together, but I wanted to see how we could get along, since we've been three hours apart for most of a year." He also said that they got along well, but that living in the apartment with his other two roommates made it so that they didn't have any space (she is pretty possessive of his free time when he wants to play a computer game or just hang out with his roommates. She says she'll work on that, and they plan on finding her a place to rent with another girl in town, which, I guess, her ex-stepdad will help pay for. She has applied at a technical college in town and works parttime. My son hopes that she'll meet a girl who needs a roommate and will move in with her (they'll still see each other all the time. It's a small college town). You know, I'm proud of my son's attitude. I just can't believe that he let this happen twice. Almost identical scenarios. I have to just stop thinking of what should have been and what could have been and be there for him now. Without bailing him out, I mean. He doesn't expect us to make things easy for him, I know. I actually think he waited so long to tell us because he's just ashamed of the mistakes he made. He said he was feeling so pressured lately, cause he's lost his youth. So he gets it. But he says he also feels like he's happiest when he's got her in his life. Her family loves him----no doubt they WOULD. He's got goals, a comfortable and loving upbringing, and now he'll support their girl. I just feel sad, because I think they actually could have had a pretty good future together, but now, I just don't know what will happen. By the way, she said to him and to me that she didn't intend on pressuring him to stay with her after the baby is born, and they may or may not try to be a family, though my son plans on financially supporting the baby. I just don't know...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:55pm
Gosh, you say talk about condoms. When do we start that! My girls are 13 and 15. When do girls become sexually involved--and where? At parties? When do you let them alone with boys? I guess I better get ready for this. But my girls have been pretty protected so far. Can anybody tell me when I should expect dating and sexual activity? Thanks. I feel out of it! Sign me Antique Mom or Behind the Times Mom On This
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 8:55am

I think once one on one dating begins and a steady BF or GF enters the picture, it is VERY likely the couple will have sex in 6-12 months. I know many will disagree with this but I think parents should, at the very least, acknowledge that is a strong possibility.

Group dating puts this off; doesnt make it impossible but it puts it off IMO

Not dating makes it very unlikely but, again, not impossible. DS2, when he was a sophomore in high school, got a bit annoyed with me asking about dating and going to dances and told me he could go to a party this weekend and have sex; he could go to a party ANY weekend and have sex and was that what I wanted???? DS2 was popular in HS and has the Abercrombie look-my oldest and youngest(shy, skinny, and geeky)couldnt have located a party like that to save their lives!

None of mine were interested in dating early. DS2 did group dates at 15. The oldest didnt date until after high school and I imagine the youngest will follow in his foot steps.

They knew about condoms in junior high but I reinforced it heavily when they got steady GFs

Yes, your kids should already know the basics of birth/STD control, but its going to go in their brain next to the name of the capital of Brazil. When they date, it needs to be revisited because, at that time, they are visiting Brazil and need to know for sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:07pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I too, like others on this board, know of a similar situation. A young man who was good friends with my husband got a young woman he knew pregnant. Her parents kicked her out. She had nowhere to go so the young man's parents took her in to live with their family. They had a beautiful baby together and had a pretty good relationship for a few years. But unfortunately it didn't last -- they were too young and their relationship didn't have enough substance to last.

However, that said, this guy never lost touch with his daughter and although both parents went on to remarry, they still have this connection through this girl.

Look at it this way...given that this child is truly established to be your son's baby (and yes there should be a paternity test) this is going to be your grandchild. I know its not the ideal situation but heck even marriages sometimes sour and don't last so they have just as much a chance as anyone else these days. He is young so you may have to help out a bit given that you want him to be successful in his education. But if at least for the sake of this child, try to maintain a positive attitude. All children deserve a fighting chance for a happy life regardless of how they came into this world...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 1:09pm
These are excellent points. Thank you for your caring comments. I intend on being as loving and supportive as I can be to my son and his girl. I have to give myself a little time to get over going through this last fall with tons of support from us, to now having the same scenario present itself. I feel jaded that it's happened again, and that my son was dumb enough to let himself get caught this way, when he almost had this happen last fall. I will get over this attitude, but it's funny...right now, my hubby and I feel--I guess you'd call it emotionally flat about this. We were so emotional in October, and through the months since, helping her get her act together, helping him through the rollercoaster of whether or not he felt like he could raise this other guy's child. It's been an emotional trainwreck for us as parents...like we can see him walking toward the cliff and yelling a warning, but he's just heading toward it anyway. And Friday when i found out the truth, I just felt flattened. This too shall pass, I know. And I mostly pray that my son will get off his stubborn, prideful, cynical "I know what I'm doing" highhorse and turn back to God. He needs his help more now than ever. It doesn't help that his friends and his girl are non-believers. He's always been attracted to people who have had to struggle---who haven't had a loving secure comfy life. Go figure. I guess he feels like he hasn't earned his stripes since he was so well-loved and was raised in such a supportive, secure home. He actually seeks out people that are living on the edge and struggling. But rather than be the one who leads them to a better place, he seems to have gotten more lost along the way. Underneath it all, all the main elements of integrity are still there. But he's choosing a life of struggle everywhere he turns, it seems. Like he has to prove his manhood or adulthood or something.

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