My teenage son is going to be a dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
My teenage son is going to be a dad
35
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:22pm

I guess I just want a chance to vent a bit. My teenage son is nineteen and involved with a girl who, though sweet, has had a miserable upbringing. In group homes and foster care most of her life because her mom was an very unfit mother and she never knew who her father was. Her family is very accustomed to having babies in the teen years and thinks that this situation is just fine. My son had a pregnancy scare with her last fall when she informed him that she was pregnant and then the two of them proceeded to sleep together regularly, since she was already pregnant (!). My husband and i were supportive, even offering our home to her and all the counsel we could give her while my son was away out-of-state at college. Then he came home for a weekend so that the two of them could go to her first pregnancy doctor visit at the free clinic. The test was negative! I took her to two more places, since she was insistent that her home pregnancy test showed positive. Both places and the ultrasound proved negative. It became clear that she wanted so badly to be pregnant so that my son would remain involved in her life. We thanked God for the false alarm, told him to keep his zipper zipped, and prayed that this relationship would stop.
Cut to the chase: When she turned 18, her mom (who she was living with for a little while) kicked her out of the apartment. She had no car, no job, and no money. She couch-surfed for a few months and pressured my son to let her come live with him. He said no, since he knew we'd disapprove and wouldn't support him financially if he took her in while he was far away from us going to school. She moved in with another guy (survival mode, i'm sure), was intimate with him, and that was that. Until springtime when my son informed us that they were considering getting back together since he was lonely and still loved her and her current boyfriend was "mean to her and hit her." My son wants so badly to be the hero and wanted to rescue her. We said no to that, but offered our home again, since the alternative, in my son's eyes was her being on the streets. She turned us down and moved out of the boyfriend's apartment with a few friends from work. Then she told my son that she was pregnant with that boyfriend's baby and that he had taken off for California. My son sent her some money to help with her expenses and decided to go and visit her. While there, they were intimate (stupid stupid stupid) and didn't use a condom because "Mom, she was already pregnant". (really stupid). Well, you guessed it...she wasn't pregnant THEN. But after they slept together on that visit, she became pregnant with my son's baby. She claimed that she was and that she "maybe had a miscarriage and didn't know it." My son is starting a fresh start at a new college in two weeks. She is living there with him, they both have gotten jobs, and she refuses to give the baby up for adoption (It's due in February). He has told us for the last two months that things were really stressful for him because he wasn't sure if he could stay together with her and raise another guy's baby. We've been like----well, d'uh, you are just starting college and have no money. And we don't think you, at nineteen, are in any position to take on your girlfriend and another guy's baby to support. I found out just three days ago that it wasn't another guy's baby...that for a month or so my son has found out that her duedate is about six weeks later than she thought it was going to be, and that he is the dad.
My husband and I are just numb, mostly because there is no other family to discuss things with. She is out on her own. We are the only parents involved (although her mother's third ex-husband is a pretty good guy and is paying for her medical bills some). The girl is a ward of the state and can get a free public education. She has enrolled at a community college in the same town that my son lives in. But I feel duped. I feel like "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I want to be loving and supportive, and I've told my son that of course we will be. But damn...I feel used. She had assured me last fall when the pregnancy test proved negative that yes, she had wanted the baby, but that she loved my son very much and could see that it would not have been the right way to start their life together. She was relieved, or so I thought.

I didn't mean to write a book. I just have so much pent-up emotion. I just see no pretty future here. The only thing that is positive is that my son says he loves her, and feels like he will focus more on his schooling since he has to grow up now and won't be wasting his time partying. He also sees that they need to find a place for her to live so that they could have their own space (he has two other roommates).

Maybe this was totally the wrong thing to do here...to write so much. I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry if i broke some rule by doing this, but believe me, it poured out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:22pm
I got pregnant at seventeen and my 15 yr old son is sitting here next to me. I assure you that yes there is plenty of rocky and upsetting times ahead. And now that I am a mom to a teen I cannot imagine the pain anxiety and sheer worry --even disppointment---facing you or would me or was my parents---but I made it. I am happily married have a college education and my son is fantastic. It certainly isn't the recommended path but if you keep supporting and loving your son it will be ok. Start right from the start being involved with the baby...my parents and my son are very close. I promise promise promise it will be ok....remember there is a new life on the way and the pure joy and happiness in that..all the best! Encourage that son of yours to stay in school regardless!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:29pm
uh from what my son tells me he just finished 8th grade--i would say expect it now or last year or next week!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:49pm

Well...struggle is a part of life for the majority of people. And its not a terrible thing to struggle. Based on your note, he is going to college, he is getting a job and he is meeting his responsibilities to this girl and this child. That doesn't sound so "lost" to me. Sure, he should have been more careful to not get into this situation. But plenty of people make mistakes -- even God-fearing, believers. Although a faith system will help give him strength there's no guarantee that believing in God prevents you from making errors or struggling. So maybe look for the silver lining and the good things. Make room in your heart for forgiveness. To forgive him doesn't mean you condone what he did but that can get past that and move forward now in some sort of positive way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 2:25pm
I know how hard this is going to be for him and for you. I had my daughter when I was only 17. My story was the opposite being that I was the "stable" one and got involved with a guy who had a horrible family life and was a total rebel. He left when I told him I was pregnant and that was that. Not to get into my whole story here, just that my point is it will turn out allright in the end. No matter what,because your son sounds wonderful and even though he's young he'll do what needs to be done. Maybe the girl will decide she doesn't want to be a mother and he'll end up raising the baby as a single dad (yes I know we want more for our kids but it isn't the end of the world) Or maybe she'll shape up and become a great mother--ya never know. My parents were so upset and heartbroken, but they were always there for me and helped me out. My daughter is 17 now and is a senior in high school. I went on to college got an associates degree, got married and had 3 more children, and I'm very happy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, raising a baby at that age when my friends were out having fun and doing whatever they wanted, but I never regretted or resented my decision. I've always been afraid that she'd do the same thing and have a baby at this age (I'm still very scared) so I understand how you feel as well. I don't know what I'd do if she did.
I wish you the best of luck, and your son too. I hope everything turns out alright.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:39pm
Wow--that's surprising. Thanks for the response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 1:51am
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:38am

I am sorry about what your son is going through.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:56am

It's one of those 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' situations, isn't it? There are simply no good options on this one.

If she sees that baby as a way to hold onto him, there is no way she is going to leave his home and move to this group home-I think the rules, or lack of rules, is irrelevant. She wants to be with him and see what he is and isnt doing at all times

And she is(likely)carrying his child, your grandchild, and so you can't really blame her for that!

In her world, it IS probably 'just having a baby'. It is likely not the planned and awaited event you had dreamed of for your grandchild. They just come-unplanned-and often with different dads. 'Oh, well' becomes the attitude because that's often the situation the girls see everywhere they look!

I was about to close the file on a referral for a child of a teen mom(Im Early Intervention)when she called, suddenly determined to follow through immediately. Apparently someone had reported the situation to family services(my guess-the dad's family); her comment was telling "I dont understand what the problem is; it was only second notice!"

We close after second notice but, apparently, the power company doesnt shut you off until after THIRD notice. So, in her life, you dont do anything until THIRD notice.

As someone who pays their bills when they come in and have raised my boys the same way(and so far, so good in that department), I know how upsetting it would be if my boys were wtih someone who had been raised so differently. It would be a long haul and, knowing that baby has to be number one doesnt always make it easier(since the differences on when yo upay your bills is going to be nothing compared to the differences in how you raise a child)

Hang in there-hope for a healthy baby. That is always number one

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 9:53am

Glad that you found a place to vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 5:28pm

You're right---we plan on doing just that.