My teenage son is going to be a dad
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| Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:22pm |
I guess I just want a chance to vent a bit. My teenage son is nineteen and involved with a girl who, though sweet, has had a miserable upbringing. In group homes and foster care most of her life because her mom was an very unfit mother and she never knew who her father was. Her family is very accustomed to having babies in the teen years and thinks that this situation is just fine. My son had a pregnancy scare with her last fall when she informed him that she was pregnant and then the two of them proceeded to sleep together regularly, since she was already pregnant (!). My husband and i were supportive, even offering our home to her and all the counsel we could give her while my son was away out-of-state at college. Then he came home for a weekend so that the two of them could go to her first pregnancy doctor visit at the free clinic. The test was negative! I took her to two more places, since she was insistent that her home pregnancy test showed positive. Both places and the ultrasound proved negative. It became clear that she wanted so badly to be pregnant so that my son would remain involved in her life. We thanked God for the false alarm, told him to keep his zipper zipped, and prayed that this relationship would stop.
Cut to the chase: When she turned 18, her mom (who she was living with for a little while) kicked her out of the apartment. She had no car, no job, and no money. She couch-surfed for a few months and pressured my son to let her come live with him. He said no, since he knew we'd disapprove and wouldn't support him financially if he took her in while he was far away from us going to school. She moved in with another guy (survival mode, i'm sure), was intimate with him, and that was that. Until springtime when my son informed us that they were considering getting back together since he was lonely and still loved her and her current boyfriend was "mean to her and hit her." My son wants so badly to be the hero and wanted to rescue her. We said no to that, but offered our home again, since the alternative, in my son's eyes was her being on the streets. She turned us down and moved out of the boyfriend's apartment with a few friends from work. Then she told my son that she was pregnant with that boyfriend's baby and that he had taken off for California. My son sent her some money to help with her expenses and decided to go and visit her. While there, they were intimate (stupid stupid stupid) and didn't use a condom because "Mom, she was already pregnant". (really stupid). Well, you guessed it...she wasn't pregnant THEN. But after they slept together on that visit, she became pregnant with my son's baby. She claimed that she was and that she "maybe had a miscarriage and didn't know it." My son is starting a fresh start at a new college in two weeks. She is living there with him, they both have gotten jobs, and she refuses to give the baby up for adoption (It's due in February). He has told us for the last two months that things were really stressful for him because he wasn't sure if he could stay together with her and raise another guy's baby. We've been like----well, d'uh, you are just starting college and have no money. And we don't think you, at nineteen, are in any position to take on your girlfriend and another guy's baby to support. I found out just three days ago that it wasn't another guy's baby...that for a month or so my son has found out that her duedate is about six weeks later than she thought it was going to be, and that he is the dad.
My husband and I are just numb, mostly because there is no other family to discuss things with. She is out on her own. We are the only parents involved (although her mother's third ex-husband is a pretty good guy and is paying for her medical bills some). The girl is a ward of the state and can get a free public education. She has enrolled at a community college in the same town that my son lives in. But I feel duped. I feel like "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I want to be loving and supportive, and I've told my son that of course we will be. But damn...I feel used. She had assured me last fall when the pregnancy test proved negative that yes, she had wanted the baby, but that she loved my son very much and could see that it would not have been the right way to start their life together. She was relieved, or so I thought.
I didn't mean to write a book. I just have so much pent-up emotion. I just see no pretty future here. The only thing that is positive is that my son says he loves her, and feels like he will focus more on his schooling since he has to grow up now and won't be wasting his time partying. He also sees that they need to find a place for her to live so that they could have their own space (he has two other roommates).
Maybe this was totally the wrong thing to do here...to write so much. I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry if i broke some rule by doing this, but believe me, it poured out.

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Sending more hugs your way!! I, too, think your letter was well written. Sorry that I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know I am
Personally I support your son to make his own decisions in this matter. It seems like this young woman has gotten herself in quite a predicament. Your son seems to be the only one with a big enough heart and sense of what’s right to step up to the plate and help her through this. This is taking a toll on him, but I imagine this has been incredibly stressful on her also.
I applaud your son for not ‘cutting and running’ like so many young men would under the circumstances. The ‘It’s not my baby,’ game is so tiring and irresponsible. He realizes he has a responsibility and so far he has owned up to the situation. If he were my son then I would feel proud.
You act like she is simply using your son, but potentially he is half responsible for this situation. It takes two to tango. I assume he had sex with her around the time of conception otherwise there would be no question of paternity. Under the circumstances I believe it is likely he is the father. If he is indeed going to be a parent then your reactions now could have a very negative impact on your future relationship with this girl and your grandbaby.
It is understandable that she would not want to enter into a group home with stringent rules. Since she has been in these types of environments before the she probably wants to break free. She is not merely a user in this situation. She is a person who with the help of another person got herself in an unfortunate situation.
My opinion is that you should support your son’s decisions on this matter. You should not give him advice which is negative towards this girl or the baby which could easily be his. Be cordial and affirming. Don’t make assumptions like, “This baby isn’t his,” or “She’s just using my son.”
Every young mother needs love and support from someone. I applaud your son for stepping up and honestly I hope it continues. If the baby turns out not to paternally be his then at least he will learn some very good life experiences. If the baby is his then at least he will be able to proudly tell his daughter, “I took care of your mother when she was pregnant with you.”
I agree with your post.
Your post confuses me.
I think the concern is the current email-dollars to doughnuts the GF has read it
My 22 yr old has a live in GF. She grills him about everything we say when he is with us and she is not around. We learned the hard way to watch our words. She changes jobs quite often and we made a comment about that which went right smack dab back to her through DS's mouth
Their loyalties leave us and go to the GF. All you have to do is go on some of the IVillage boards with young posters to relive all the concerns about a DH or BF continuing to listen to mom instead of the young lady he is now in a relationship with. Granted, the women are not telling the whole story, but the general consensus is always that the GF, DW, SO should rule-not mom! Times that times 10 is the woman is carrying his child
I dont like it either and certainly want to shout "But theyre not even married yet" where my DS is concerned. But, it is what it is
I think that is why a few of us are raising the caution flag here.........
I am hoping that,even if the GF read the email, 'so big' has done so much for this girl already that it will be a blip on the radar screen in their relationship
But I personally do backward flips to avoid alienating DS1's GF because, if he is forced to choose, I don't anticipate being the winner :(
Here's another update about my son, his girlfriend and the baby that is probably his, coming in February.
I never got a response from the blunt e-mail that I sent my son.
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