My teenage son is going to be a dad
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| Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:22pm |
I guess I just want a chance to vent a bit. My teenage son is nineteen and involved with a girl who, though sweet, has had a miserable upbringing. In group homes and foster care most of her life because her mom was an very unfit mother and she never knew who her father was. Her family is very accustomed to having babies in the teen years and thinks that this situation is just fine. My son had a pregnancy scare with her last fall when she informed him that she was pregnant and then the two of them proceeded to sleep together regularly, since she was already pregnant (!). My husband and i were supportive, even offering our home to her and all the counsel we could give her while my son was away out-of-state at college. Then he came home for a weekend so that the two of them could go to her first pregnancy doctor visit at the free clinic. The test was negative! I took her to two more places, since she was insistent that her home pregnancy test showed positive. Both places and the ultrasound proved negative. It became clear that she wanted so badly to be pregnant so that my son would remain involved in her life. We thanked God for the false alarm, told him to keep his zipper zipped, and prayed that this relationship would stop.
Cut to the chase: When she turned 18, her mom (who she was living with for a little while) kicked her out of the apartment. She had no car, no job, and no money. She couch-surfed for a few months and pressured my son to let her come live with him. He said no, since he knew we'd disapprove and wouldn't support him financially if he took her in while he was far away from us going to school. She moved in with another guy (survival mode, i'm sure), was intimate with him, and that was that. Until springtime when my son informed us that they were considering getting back together since he was lonely and still loved her and her current boyfriend was "mean to her and hit her." My son wants so badly to be the hero and wanted to rescue her. We said no to that, but offered our home again, since the alternative, in my son's eyes was her being on the streets. She turned us down and moved out of the boyfriend's apartment with a few friends from work. Then she told my son that she was pregnant with that boyfriend's baby and that he had taken off for California. My son sent her some money to help with her expenses and decided to go and visit her. While there, they were intimate (stupid stupid stupid) and didn't use a condom because "Mom, she was already pregnant". (really stupid). Well, you guessed it...she wasn't pregnant THEN. But after they slept together on that visit, she became pregnant with my son's baby. She claimed that she was and that she "maybe had a miscarriage and didn't know it." My son is starting a fresh start at a new college in two weeks. She is living there with him, they both have gotten jobs, and she refuses to give the baby up for adoption (It's due in February). He has told us for the last two months that things were really stressful for him because he wasn't sure if he could stay together with her and raise another guy's baby. We've been like----well, d'uh, you are just starting college and have no money. And we don't think you, at nineteen, are in any position to take on your girlfriend and another guy's baby to support. I found out just three days ago that it wasn't another guy's baby...that for a month or so my son has found out that her duedate is about six weeks later than she thought it was going to be, and that he is the dad.
My husband and I are just numb, mostly because there is no other family to discuss things with. She is out on her own. We are the only parents involved (although her mother's third ex-husband is a pretty good guy and is paying for her medical bills some). The girl is a ward of the state and can get a free public education. She has enrolled at a community college in the same town that my son lives in. But I feel duped. I feel like "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I want to be loving and supportive, and I've told my son that of course we will be. But damn...I feel used. She had assured me last fall when the pregnancy test proved negative that yes, she had wanted the baby, but that she loved my son very much and could see that it would not have been the right way to start their life together. She was relieved, or so I thought.
I didn't mean to write a book. I just have so much pent-up emotion. I just see no pretty future here. The only thing that is positive is that my son says he loves her, and feels like he will focus more on his schooling since he has to grow up now and won't be wasting his time partying. He also sees that they need to find a place for her to live so that they could have their own space (he has two other roommates).
Maybe this was totally the wrong thing to do here...to write so much. I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry if i broke some rule by doing this, but believe me, it poured out.

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I'm sorry things are so tumultuous right now. It sounds like a very stressful time for you.
Personally I think she was very cordial under the current stressful circumstances. Yes. You have done a lot to help this young lady in the past, but lately you have turned very negative and jaded towards her. You have portrayed your son to be a victim in this situation which he helped to create. You have badmouthed the mother of his soon-to-be child. Neither party in this situation is a victim. They are both two innocent people who have become mixed up in a set of unfortunate circumstances resulting from their own recklessness.
Parts of what you have described are dysfunctional such as quitting school, losing job etc... But these are very stressful times and people should be allowed to act a little bit abnormal. It seems like what you are asking is for her to leave your son alone so he can go about life business as usual. You seem to have blamed her for him dropping that class, but he must be held accountable for his choices. If he chooses to stay home then degrading grades will result. This would happen with or without the pregnancy.
My advice is to try and step back. Avoid criticism of either party and emotionally support them as much as you can. Let them make their own decisions. Being negative towards this young girl is not going to help anyone in this situation.
I know that you and I don't see eye to eye about this situation,
Quote: "That's another thing---she claims that birth control causes cancer and that she's allergic to latex"
Some studies have suggested the estrogen found in hormonal birth control does pose a miniscule risk of promoting breast cancer. Other studies have shown hormonal birth control to reduce the risk of endometrial and ovarian cancer. Birth control is safe, but there are many people who are deathly afraid of taking it. She could be one of them.
Latex allergies are not uncommon which is why they have polyurethane condoms now.
Quote: "What's she doing reading his e-mails when he's not around?"
This is an assumption which may or may not be true. She said, "p.s. your son didn't tell me anything about what you said, so do not get angry with him. He never tells me anything," but this also may or may not be true. She obviously got the information somehow, but making a faulty assumption how she received the information will not help improve the situation.
Quote: "And when he was on the phone with me and she was in the proximity, I heard him on several occasions ask if she'd like to say hi to me. Both times she refused."
I don’t know her personality, but many people feel awkward being put on the spot and showing gratitude for gifts received. You don’t know what was going through her mind so try not to automatically assume she was ungrateful.
Quote: "Why is it that this behavior is fine? Why is it when there is an opportunity to reclaim our previously affectionate relationship she doesn't reciprocate and you feel that's fine, since she's pregnant and stressed. I'm not stressed? My son's not stressed?"
I never said you and your son were not stressed. In fact based on your descriptions I believe EVERYONE is stressed to very unhealthy levels. I feel bad for every person involved in this unfortunate situation. In my opinion a baby coming should be a happy event, not something to be dreaded or looked down upon. Even very young parents can be good parents when they have a proper support system.
I worry this young woman and her baby may end up in bedlam without the proper support. Her family obviously isn’t going to provide it. I think it would be nice if you could put aside your animosity and provide all of them (son, girl and grandbaby) with support.
I wish all of you the very best under the circumstances.
By support I hope you don't mean financial.
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