My teenager tells lies about me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
My teenager tells lies about me!!
14
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:53pm
I have a 14 year old son and lately he is so moody and angry. He sometimes wont even answer me when I speak to him. He is a completely different person around other people. Everyone tells me how sweet he is and what a nice boy he is. I just stand there and think, is this the same kid who lives with me? Im a single mom and have 2 younger daughters as well. My son recently started dating and out of concern, I started reading his msn chats with his girlfriend ( i know...a terrible thing to do!) LIttle did i expect to find that he tells lies about me all the time. He will tell his girlfriend terrible things that I said to him, things like, " you are stupid and i dont know why your girlfriend even dates you". Tonight I was watching a tv show where the dad was such a jerk and wouldnt lift a finger to help out around the house. I just mentioned to him that i hope when he gets married that he treats his wife with more respect than that. Later I read on his msn chats that he told his girlfriend that I told him that men are dickheads and stupid and that I think that men should do all the work while women sit around and do nothing. I was shocked to read that. I would never say anything like that to him. He also told her that I said he would make a terrible husband and nobody would ever want to marry him. Why would he tell lies about me like that? In the past ive noticed that he told her that she has the best mom in the world and that he got stuck with the worst one. GOd..someone stick a knife in me now. I do everything for him. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him and tell him I love him all teh time. I make so many sacrifices for him, every day. Why does he hate me so much? I dont understand why he tells these lies about me. I would never say these hurtful things to him, or anyone else. Can someone please help!!! I dont know what to do to make him stop this behaviour.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:51am

No, I don't know why some kids choose to do this... but I can relate. My DS-17 and I had what I thought was a good conversation one night. Later I read that I just wouldn't f'ing leave him alone, and a couple of other things.

My son has since moved out, and I don't read anything on the net anymore cause I just couldn't take it emotionally.

Do you think they could be wanting attention or something?

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 6:27pm
He's saying what he's hearing. Nothing you've said here that you say to him is derrogetory, but he's expressing how he interprets it. I don't know why he thinks you have such a bad opiion of him or anything, but it just sounds like what you're reading is straight from his head. I don't think he's lieing on purpose. It could be that he's exaggerating because he wants attention, but to me it sounds more like he's expressing his feelings.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:21pm

"I do everything for him. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him and tell him I love him all teh time. I make so many sacrifices for him, every day."


Maybe he's looking for sympathy from the g/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:46pm
thanks to all of you who posted replies. I get the same message from you all, that it looks like my son is looking for attention. I guess you all gave answers that I knew all along. That he is growing up..and my sweet little boy who thought his mommy was the best in the world..doesnt exist anymore. Now he has been replaced with a 14 year old with raging hormones and lots of mixed feelings about everything. It is hard to read the things that he says about me, and I try to not let it hurt me, but I cant help it. Thats the kind of person i am. I also know that If I didnt read his MSN chats that I would never know...but I do it from time to time to find out whats going on in his life..because he NEVER tells me anything. I think the idea that he might be looking for attention is a good point. I have 7 year old twin daughters, and one has special needs. Between them both, I dont have much time for anything else. Maybe he senses that im too busy to spend time with him. I ask him to go to the movies with me, but he always says no. Then when his girlfriend asks, he goes with her! What am I supposed to do about that?? How am I supposed to get to spend quality time with him, when he is never interested in doing anything with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:22pm

I vote that he's trying to get attention, but not from you: from the girlfriend, and/or other friends. "Poor me, I have such a tragic life." He won't go to the movies with you b/c most 14 yo's wouldn't be caught dead with their parents at the movies. See that I said "most" b/c there does seem to be some type of mutation of a gene whereby some 14 yo are still happy enough to hang with mom. You're not that lucky, and neither am I. I've been on this board for about a year, b/c last June my "little girl" who was like my shadow for years and adored me suddenly at 13 couldn't stand the sight of me. I read many, many things from our computer log similar to what you've posted here. I realized it was her "interpretation" of what was going on, for instance if I was stern with her about something, she was writing that "I yelled and screamed at her" which was untrue, but that's the way she "heard" it.

Good luck, and hang in there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:52pm

<< ...that "I yelled and screamed at her" which was untrue, but that's the way she "heard" it.>>

Yeah, what's that about???? Seems like if I am anything but silly or overly-sweet when I ask my kiddos to do something -- anything at all, actually -- I'm 'yelling' at them?

I once went so far as to actually WHISPER to DS that he needed to hurry up and eat his breakfast or I would be late getting him to school and even THAT was considered 'yelling'. Or suggest to DD that she turn the tv off and get her homework done, just a suggestion, mind you and that was 'yelling' too. I guess anything they don't want to hear, is heard as yelling and screaming.

{{{sigh}}} ... somedays you just can't win, can you?

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 4:53pm

Thanks so much. What you said made alot of sense. I think you are right, that he is just doing it to get attention from his girlfriend. Unfortunatley now she probably thinks that Im a terrible mother,and im sure she probably tells her mom what He tells her. She tells her mom everything..so im sure she has shared with her that her boyfriend has such a horrible mother. Hopefully her parents dont believe everything they hear! Yeah, it sucks that our kids who once thought we were the best mom in the world..now thinks we are trash. Thats what my son calls me. White trash! Not to my face mind you, but to his girlfriend. Another knife in my heart! Its amazing how they interpet our conversations as a screaming match. If i try to explain things to him, he cuts me off and wont let me finish the sentence and walks away. Soooo frustrating. I like the saying, " raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to the wall"...how true!

Thanks for all your help everone. I truly appreciate it! Ive really gotten to understand a little more as to why my son acts the way he does. I dont have to like it..but I understand thats its not all about me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 7:08pm

I know it's rough going thru that stage when your kids think you're the worst mom in the world, btdt x 3!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 8:04pm
Thanks. What you said made alot of sense. I know that right now he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend rather than with me..and thats ok. Its the fact that he lies to her about me. thats what hurts. I dont know why he wants to present me as a monster to her, when ive always been very supportive and loving with him. Ive always been welcoming to his friends and now with his girlfriend. I have been very lienient with him when it comes to rules. By that, I mean, I try to put myself in his shoes when I make rules, and remember how I felt when my parents gave me rules, so I try to not be as strict as my parents were..but yet still giving him restrictions. One of those restrictions, is no girlfriend in his bedroom. He is only 14 years old..and him and his girlfriend want to spend hours alone in his bedroom. Am i wrong to not allow that? I used to let them go upstairs to his room as long as the door was open, but then i began to realize that hours would go by and nobody would go upstairs..so they had all that free time alone. That makes me very uncomfortable. I dont think they are ready for that kind of freedom. What does everyone else think? When they go to his girlfriends house, they are allowed in her bedroom..with the door open. The only thing is, that she lives in an apartment and her bedroom is next to the living room..so there is always someone in the area of her bedroom. Am I being too protective by not allowing them up in his room? NOw he never brings her here anymore..and im sure he is mad with me about that...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:20pm

NO!

You might reconsider letting them spend time with the door open but make sure you make it your business to go up there every half hour or so, and not by the clock, but sporadically. I know how frustrated you must be, trying to enforce rules and then finding that other parents allow things, so they just wind up going there. We've all btdt. He's ONLY 14 and you could always tell him they can only hang out at your house - but that might be what the girlfriend's parents are telling her!

Don't worry about not being your son's best friend right now - he needs a mother, whether he will admit it or not....

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