At my wit's end!!!
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:27pm |
This should be an exciting and fun week because my daughter graduates on Thursday. Instead, I'm ready to either run away, or pull my hair out. DD was on the periphery of a group of girls about three months ago who were planning to go to beach week. We live on the East Coast, and this is apparently a tradition among seniors (at least to some extent). Anyway, she has fallen out of that group...which I've mentioned here before. I knew they were still going, but she hasn't mentioned going to the beach for at least two months. In the meantime, she got a great summer job, and starts June 18. So tonight...she IMs me from her girlfriend's house and asks if she can go to beach week....with the same girls who excluded her months ago. Oh, and yes.....DD's boyfriend is going. She didn't seem to know that until today, but claims that she has always known he was going. Oh, and yes.....this is the SAME boyfriend that she heard a rumor that he'd been cheating on her, today. I am really ready to pull my hair out. I'd like nothing more than to tell her where she should put the friends, and the boyfriend. None of them, in my opinion, cares a wit about her....and if she thinks the boyfriend has already cheated, what the heck does she think is gonna happen when he's on a beach with a bunch of girls he already knows. I told her at this late date she couldn't go. These girls don't care about her, and as far as I know, there are no adults going with them. Some of these girls aren't even 18 yet.
Am I wrong to be completely fed up? Or irritated? Or just completely DONE with this stupid high school drama? I don't like the fact that my daughter was excluded months ago, and now is being invited to go at the last minute. I don't like the fact that my daughter's boyfriend is going. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. And since he's 6'4", I can't throw him an inch. Parenting is really a crummy job at times. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the fact that I have two great kids, but I HATE this part of parenting. It just makes me crazy.
Frazzled Nancy Thanks for listening!!

Pages
Hi Nancy-as the mother of a senior daughter myself, who just graduated Friday night, I know where you're coming from EXACTLY! We too live on the East Coast and, yes, these "senior trips" are the norm here too with a group of girls and guys going to the beach for a week with NO adult supervision whatsoever.
Months ago, when my daughter's group of girlfriends were planning their trip (there are 7 or 8 girls in the group) my daughter bowed out because 1. my niece, who did the "senior trip" thing last summer reminded her cousin how she cried to come home "day 1" because all of her friends were drunk out of their minds, bringing strange boys into the room to spend the nite, etc. and 2. she had an older boyfriend, at the time, who strongly "disapproved" of her going (or so she said).
Well, the boyfriend is out of her life right now, and when she asked her group of girlfriends if she could go now, they told her no, that the house wasn't big enough (personally, what's one more person).
Well, since school has let out one week ago, my daughter has been having the "summer from hell" with this group of girls; with the fighting and back stabbing and excluding my daughter because, since she started hanging out with the boyfriend mentioned above again, she's not part of the group and they have excluded her from going to the pool to attending graduation parties with the group and it breaks my heart to see her sit here alone crying..this is like second grade BS all over again.
I've told her that everything happens for a reason and she should be glad she isn't making that senior trip with this group of girls after all...where she'd be 8 hours from home and crying to come home because of the way they've treated her.
Girls are brutal..and my daughter always had a boyfriend until recently and pretty much excluded herself from this group of girls.
You're probably making the right choice in the long run not letting her go. From what I've heard..these trips, especially with boys involved, are a disaster waiting to happen with the drinking etc.
I, too, try telling her that these girls aren't "friends" because "friends" don't treat you like this..but in the end, if you just stand back, they'll find their own way. For instance, the "ring leader" in my daughter's group of girlfriends, who pretty much "calls the shots" as to whether my daughter is included or not, called tonight and asked my daughter to go somewhere with her, and off my daughter ran...so much for my advice.
But good luck...I have a 24 year old son and this soon to be 18 year old daughter....give me a dozen boys anyday..ha ha...the drama isn't even existent!
Hugs to both of you!
Rose thanks....I'm banking on the drama dying down by mid summer. I sure hope so anyway.
I think I am making the right decision in not letting her go. I really wonder how other parents can just let their kids go off with no supervision. It really does not make sense to see otherwise intelligent parents just let their girls go!! Seems to me they'd be smart enough to see that having a whole crowd of girls and guys unattended and a long way from home would be a recipe for trouble. As much as I have liked DD's boyfriend, I think he's changed a lot, and most likely is on his way out of her life. He seems more interested in just having fun, and his parents don't hold him back in any way that I can see. I'm just sad that her senior year had to end like this. He's been such a nice guy, and nice to her....and now all that is changing. I'm just hoping and praying that DD finds some people to hang out with over the summer. People that are nice to her, and actually care about her. Is that too much to ask?? :(
Thanks for listening, Nancy
Chiming in late too, but completely agree that teenagers under 18 have absolutely no business going away together like this, boys and alcohol involved.
Sorry you're going through this.
<<< I really wonder how other parents can just let their kids go off with no supervision. It really does not make sense to see otherwise intelligent parents just let their girls go!! >>>
At age 18, the parents may not have as much say as you think.
My mother told me (in 1979) that I couldn't leave after graduation to go to Galveston to the beach with some girls and my boyfriend. She kept telling me, over and over, yelling, the whole nine yards the night before, and I kept packing my stuff. She never dreamed my ride was showing up at 4 a.m. I went and it was never mentioned again.
At 18, maybe you shouldn't be disallowing it, no matter how upsetting it is to you (IF she's paying for it herself). She's got to learn one day.
Hope I haven't offended you.
zz
ZZ,
No...you didn't offend me. I will be honest though, I don't agree. I know my daughter quite well, and allthough she is 18 (just turned 18 last week) she isn't as savvy in the world as some kids her age. I think the main reason she wants to go is to keep an eye on the boyfriend. A friend of mine pointed out to me, if she needs to keep an eye on bf in order to know that he isn't fooling around, then is he worth keeping? I agree! Ultimately, she has to work through this, but as her parent I feel like I need to help keep her safe. I don't really think she wants to go to the beach with this group of friends. These are, after all, the girls who have been excluding her for nearly 6 months. And at this point, I feel that if the boyfriend is hell bent on carousing and doing things that he shouldn't, then maybe my daughter needs to re-think the relationship. It's quite painful to watch her work through this, but I know that I need to let HER work through it. Not me. I can't fix this for her.
Thanks for ALL of the feedback. You have no idea how welcome it is. I need to hear from other parents going through these same things. It helps me remember that I am not alone.
Nancy
Well, sometimes I forget not everyone is like I was at 18.... (mean and wild as hell).
And I agree, that if she only wants to go so as to keep an eye on her boyfriend, then he certainly isn't worth keeping. But it's next to impossible to make a girl see that until she's ready.
I guess my main point was that if she really wanted to go, at age 18, I don't know how you could stop her.. short of throwing her out, etc.
Good luck, and thanks for not being offended!
zz
ZZ - You know, I've come to the conclusion that parenting is NOT all it's cracked up to be. DD came home last night, and when I reiterated that she was not going to beach week, she just fell apart. Said everyone was going (I have heard that before), and that she was going to have to break up with her boyfriend because she wasn't spending another week wondering what he was doing (he went to Daytona Beach for Spring break). Although I realize that she is a master of emotional blackmail, I'll tell you....it's darn difficult to stand by and watch her sob so hard. Realistically I KNOW that there are kids not going, but of her main circle of friends and acquaintances, unfortunately there is only one that I know of. So that does mean she is sort of left out. There's a part of me that would like to let her go, but there is also that part that says, "No way!". The main reason I think she wants to go is to be near the boyfriend because she is afraid of what he is going to do. That, to me, says volumes about her trust issues with him. Of course she doesn't see that.
Gosh, don't you just have days where you'd like to resign your parenting job?? Today's one of them for me. :(
Nancy
Nancy....I wish I could take you out for a coffee and just let you vent and vent and vent. My daughter dated the boy from hell for 1.5 yrs who almost derailed her 1st year of college and finally did cheat on her with a total slut from her high school, and only then did they break up. She annoyed me with other things her last few months of senior year, she stayed at an all night after prom mixed sex sleepover with boyfriend (I really hated that, and we fought like crazy over that one) and so many other things, and yet she got into a great college and made great grades and overall was a great girl like yours. But she apparently needed for herself to experience all these things, because lord knows we fought like crazy over every one of them. Well, it finally got to the point where my husband and I decided that WE needed to decide which issues where absolute no's and what we could live with. Once we did that, we told her that as long as we were supporting her we would have the last say and she could either live with it, or go live on her own. That the fighting was to stop, period. Well, of course she pouted, told us she was 18 (got a little worse freshman year when she first came home), but you know she did abide for the most part by our rules. There were more struggles freshman year, in large part due to the boyfriend, it was awful, I posted here alot.
But, she grew up, learned and I think this is big, her own lessons the hard way...finally met some good friends at school and is so much better now. I like to think that they eventually take on the values that you and your husband set as an example and become the people you hoped for. Going off to school thank goodness made a lot of difference because she started to hate the high school drama and while there was a little more of it in college freshman year, I never hear of it now that she's finished with sophomore year and her friends are made up of only the nicest kids from high school that she knew and the nicest friends from college.
Bottom line, I wish if I could do it over I had sat her down earlier and said the following:
"Dad and I are sick of the last minute plans and high drama, we don't think alot of soem of what you might do, it might not be good for you, and so we'll let you know what you can and can't do, but because you are such a good kid and because you did well and BECAUSE you are about to go off on your own we'll give you a wide berth. But when we say no it's because we can't live with it and there'll be no more fighting about it, period."
Then you decide what you can and can't live with. If you'll be miserable while she goes to beach week and you TRULY think it's not a good place, too bad, she can't go. She'll live. But, if on the other hand you think she might see her BF (if she's to have sex with him, make sure she's protected) for what he is and her friends for what they are, let her go and let her know you'll come get her if it gets bad.
Mostly, try to do more with your DH and your friends or whatever makes you happy as it is a very frustrating time, and I constantly had to picture life without her to remember how much I loved my little devil now turned angel.
I wish you could jump forward 2 years, you won't believe how different it is.
take care molly
Pages