At my wit's end!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
At my wit's end!!!
15
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:27pm

This should be an exciting and fun week because my daughter graduates on Thursday. Instead, I'm ready to either run away, or pull my hair out. DD was on the periphery of a group of girls about three months ago who were planning to go to beach week. We live on the East Coast, and this is apparently a tradition among seniors (at least to some extent). Anyway, she has fallen out of that group...which I've mentioned here before. I knew they were still going, but she hasn't mentioned going to the beach for at least two months. In the meantime, she got a great summer job, and starts June 18. So tonight...she IMs me from her girlfriend's house and asks if she can go to beach week....with the same girls who excluded her months ago. Oh, and yes.....DD's boyfriend is going. She didn't seem to know that until today, but claims that she has always known he was going. Oh, and yes.....this is the SAME boyfriend that she heard a rumor that he'd been cheating on her, today. I am really ready to pull my hair out. I'd like nothing more than to tell her where she should put the friends, and the boyfriend. None of them, in my opinion, cares a wit about her....and if she thinks the boyfriend has already cheated, what the heck does she think is gonna happen when he's on a beach with a bunch of girls he already knows. I told her at this late date she couldn't go. These girls don't care about her, and as far as I know, there are no adults going with them. Some of these girls aren't even 18 yet.

Am I wrong to be completely fed up? Or irritated? Or just completely DONE with this stupid high school drama? I don't like the fact that my daughter was excluded months ago, and now is being invited to go at the last minute. I don't like the fact that my daughter's boyfriend is going. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. And since he's 6'4", I can't throw him an inch. Parenting is really a crummy job at times. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the fact that I have two great kids, but I HATE this part of parenting. It just makes me crazy.

Frazzled Nancy Thanks for listening!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:35am

Sure sounds like she needs to get rid of that boyfriend if she would break up with him because she can't trust him.

<<< Gosh, don't you just have days where you'd like to resign your parenting job?? Today's one of them for me. :( >>>

Sorry you're having one of those days. Sometimes I long for a few more parenting days, though. My DS recently turned 18, he's working full-time and has moved out again.

Gets awful quiet around here.....

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:29am

God bless you Molly. I mean it. I wish we could coffee too. Your advice was wonderful and sound.

DH and I do have a good relationship and we talk about DD and her issues, but I think he gets sick of hearing it after awhile. It's good to have a place to vent.

We have told DD that she cannot go on beach week. She's unhappy, but like you said, she'll live. DH and I have heard enough stories about beach week that we feel that it is not in her best interests to go. I feel bad for her because so many of her friends, and her boyfriend, are going. I also think the real crux of the problem lies with the boyfriend. Things are only going so-so right now at home, so it's logical to think that there is a very large possibility of him fooling around while he's away. She is fully aware of this, and isn't sure if she can live with it. He's a very nice kid, but he's changed a lot recently and is much more self-centered, less caring of her in general. I think she was hoping they could be together for the rest of the summer until they both went in different directions. I think she's beginning to realize that may not happen, and may not have happened even if he had not gone to beach week. The absolute hardest thing is allowing her to figure out all of this on her own. She'll be stronger for it, but it's darn difficult to watch. And this may seem odd, but I am really disappointed in her boyfriend. He's been such a nice guy to both her, and to us, and we've grown to really care about him. It's difficult to step back and allow him to hurt her, because we think so much of him, as well as loving our daughter. I AM proud of myself. Last night I did not give in to the temptation to shout back at her. I stood my ground, and I was as calm as I could be. My stomach was in absolute knots, but she didn't know that. Sooo...next week will be LONG, and the summer may end up being that way too. I wouldn't be a teenager again for love or money!!

Thanks, Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:13pm

I'm one of those stupid parents (ha, ha) that did let their DD go away unsupervised w/ a group of kids. We live near Boston and they went to Vermont,mainly because they could rent a house just for 3 nights. They were originally thinking Cape Cod, which is closer, but couldn't find any house to rent for less than one week. I was very nervous about it, but nothing bad happened. I know there was drinking going on, but it goes on in town too. Not that I think that's ok, I just know they will find a way to drink. They had to pay a double damage deposit because there were no adults (can you believe $4000 for 3 nights?) but accd. to my DD, nothing was broken and they left the house cleaner than they found it.

Now I don't expect everyone to agree on this and that is certainly your right as a parent if you feel uncomfortable. My DD also doesn't have a BF, so even though boys were there, I know that my DD would not be having sex w/ any random boy. If she had a steady BF, I would be more nervous, but then again, they could be having sex in the home town too. I just felt that she is going away to college and I won't be supervising her every move there either.

I also did warn her that it is a pretty long drive for me if she was to get arrested and that having loud parties was sure to have people calling the police, so I guess it was pretty toned down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:30pm

Hi,

Each parent has to make their own decision about something like beach week, based on all the information they have about the trip, their child, the friends going, etc. DD wasn't really included in this beach trip. She SAYS that one of the girls asked her not too long ago, but she didn't mention it to me until this week. I think that's because she wasn't 100% aware that her boyfriend was going. Now that she knows he's going, she wants to go. They'd all be going to a beach about 8-9 hours away. My daughter used the line on me..."I'm going away in two months to college, and you'll have to trust my good judgement then!". While that is a valid point, I also know that beach week and a college campus are not the same. Yes, parties can happen anywhere...I'm not naive, but I personally think beach week lends itself to outrageous behavior. My daughter is petite, and quite beautiful (not bragging here, just stating what's what) and I feel like I would be putting her into a position that things could happen TO HER (not her instigating them) that she cannot anticipate ahead of time. She assumes everyone she knows down there would have her best interests at heart, and I don't think that is always the case. I could go on and on. The bottom line for me is that my DH and I do not feel that we can let her go. And really, I think the problem lies with the boyfriend, and the fact that she doesn't trust him to behave while he's down there. Those feelings stem from how he behaves at home.....which doesn't say much positive about the relationship.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:43pm
I would be more nervous about DD being that far away. At the worst case scenario, the place where DD went was about 3 hrs. away--it was far, but I could have driven there if anything bad happened. It would have been different if she was going to Florida or something. In the early part of the year, they were talking about going to Cancun. I'm glad that trip never materialized because I wouldn't want her going out of the country after what happened to that poor girl in Aruba. Since my DD was going w/ a group of her close friends, I also wasn't worried about anything bad happening to her and I do know most of those kids.

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