myspace? content and 'freedom of speech'

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
myspace? content and 'freedom of speech'
14
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 1:19pm

Hi. I'm sure there's lots of this going around, what's acceptable and what's not on the internet and especially myspace. I spoke with a counsellor last night and he said it is what alot of families are discussing, rules of engagement, limits, etc.

So here it is. My 15 yr old DD has quite a network on myspace. Up to now, I've let her be. I didn't see anything blatantly wrong, except she spends too much time on the site. However, last week I was walking past and saw a profile that floored me! It was two blondes in black lingerie very seductively 'together'.

To humour the kids, I created my own myspace page. So I signed onto my 'page' and went to her profile to investigate. This is something anyone in the whole wide world can do, so I wanted to see what the world could see through her page. Besides the lingerie blondes, another of her friends is known as gothic or emo. The page is dark and depressing. The first picture is two skulls with bone mohawks with a caption under it saying "F#%# the System" then further down the page a psyco looking person pointing a gun directly at you, the caption is written in red blood saying "Die MotherF#$$%, Die". Ok, there were other profiles I could have listed, but these two were the most offensive. But one more is worth mentioning. The person's screenname is whalepenis!!

I attempted to have a rational calm discussion with this child about the content. She said they aren't her pages, so it's not her problem. And, haven't you heard of freedom of speech mom???

I stated that as a parent it's my job to sensor her, and it's to my discretion what she views. I know the girls mom (the one with the blondes on her page). I called the mom and asked if she'd seen her DD's page lately. She admitted she hadn't, and I asked her to look. She said she was busy. That was 2 days ago. So I called back and told her my DD was suspended from myspace until she looked at her DD's page and got back to me. If she doesn't agree that it's unappropriate then I will take my own measures.

I am prepared to suspend all myspace in my home. Am I unreasonable in any of this? I think not. What I'm here to ask is how many others deal with issues over myspace or other internet content and what measures do you do to stay involved and sensor your childs exposure? My dillema would be, at this point, how far do I go with the sensoring? There's still MSN messanger and email. Part of me says that is private, and wouldn't be worldly announced. But that seems an unclear message. You can't do it publicly but are allowed private unappropriate material? I have a mind to take the internet completely!!

Looking for positive parents! Thanks for listening!

Mom_2_7 (Vanessa)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006

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I'm not sure why you are punishing your DD for something someone else has on MySpace. IMO, it is certainly inappropriate, but your DD doesn't have anything to do with it. She just happens to be friends with that person.

The subject of MySpace has come up here many, many times. It seems to be a common concern.

I am not a big fan of Myspace -- at all. In fact, when news of this website first reached our world, DD was in 6th or 7th grade and I told her I didn't want her to post a page -- for many of the reasons you are now concerned with. Me? I just didn't like it. Kids post inappropriate pictures and comments there for all the world to see AND it is so easy for them to engage in cyber-bullying and/or become a victim of it. In addition, the predator thing was a huge issue for me. DD could look all she want at other people's pages, but I didn't want her to have one.

She's 15 now and in 10th grade. We've talked about it since then and I agreed that she could get a page -- as long as it was kept clean -- if she wanted to. HOWEVER, she knows that I look at MySpace regulalry and she knows I would look at her page. So if she wanted to hide something from me, there's a good chance I'd find out about it. I guess this is a blessing in disguise because she has an admitted procrastination problem and feels that if she got involved in MySpace, it would get even worse because she has heard from her friends how addicting it can be. So for now, she seems content to view other the pages of her friends and acquaintances on occassion.

I'm sorry to say that in this case, I agree with your DD. If her page is simple and unoffensive, no inappropriate pictures or comments are being posted by her, and you are able to view her page at any time for just that, I don't think she should be banned from it just because her friends abuse the privilege.

Since you say you feel she spends much too much time there, if her grades are suffering, or if she's not getting her chores or homework done, THAT would be a better reason for limiting her time on MySpace, imo.

Just my couple pennies...




Edited 1/30/2007 1:44 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that you have every right to look at your DD's myspace page and make sure there is nothing inappropriate that she is posting. I also think that you should talk to her about what other people are posting on their pages and why things like racy pics aren't a good idea and can give people the wrong impression, etc., but censoring what she sees just isn't going to work. I even agree w/ your decision to call the mom of the girl who had the pics you didn't like on her page to see if the mom knew what was on there, but suppose that mom is just an idiot and doesn't care if her DD has almost nude pics of herself for all to see? Why prohibit your DD from going on the myspace cause of what some other kid is doing? Do you also censor what she reads, who she talks to on the phone, what internet sites she looks at? You just can't shelter kids from the bad side of life as much as you would like to. After all, the girls who posted those pics on their myspace could just as well show your DD the photos they came from.

I just remember in the dark ages of my teen years before there were computers, etc. that whatever my parents told me not to read or watch on TV immediately became that much more interesting and I just had to read it. I remember babysitting for some kids when I was a young teen and reading their parent's risque novels when the kids were asleep. To show you how old I am and how protective my parents tried to be, my father didn't like Laugh-In. Remeber Rowan & Martin? Or maybe you're not that old. He thought it was "suggestive." However, my aunt (my father's sister) thought it was really funny, so I watched it over her house. And I was a model student, who never caused my parents any trouble, never had sex in high school, never used drugs, etc. So just the fact that someone is exposed to something you might not like doesn't necessarily mean that they will go off the deep end.

And for the record, I have never really censored anything that my (almost) 18 yo DD has seen, except that when she was younger, I had to approve what movies she saw at the theater. She also told me that she would buy a ticket to a PG movie and then sneak into an R movie, so there's only so much you can do.

One other interesting note. She took a course last semester called Violence in American Culture. When I met the teacher, he told me that this was probably the only high school in which this course was taught (since he created it) and that a lot of school departments would be kind of nervous about the subject matter. He did send home a note at the beginning of the semester that because of the subject matter, the kids were going to be watching movies or TV or reading books that had a subject matter of violence and the parents needed to be aware of this. However, this would give the students the ability of looking at things critically and noticing how the media could manipulate them. So you could say "I don't want my DD to look at this picture of a boy w/ a gun" or you could ask her what she thinks about this and use it to have a discussion about violence and what kind of impression she thinks this boy is trying to send w/ his messages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005

Here's what we've done to explore the myspace problem (and yes, I do believe it is a problem).

1. I created my own myspace and insisted my children add me as their "friends" (does that mean they can't create separate pages I don't know about? Of course not - but there's only so much policing you can do).

2. I regularly visit my children's friends pages (many of whom are also MY friends - by THEIR choice - not mine) and look at their comments/pictures/etc. If I see something inappropriate, not only do I tell my children, I tell the offending party (do you really think it's appropriate to have that sort of picture on your page?).

3. I insisted that my YOUNGER son keep his page "private." That means only his "friends" can see his page - I can't stop him from adding all the friends he wants, but I know he is fairly careful and only adds people he knows.

4. My older son is 18 - he was VERY indiscriminate about who he added - so to "catch" him, I created a "fake" myspace (complete with fake pictures, surveys, comments, friends, etc.) - looked as real as any of his "friends." I immediately started requesting friends. When I had a network of friends who had NOTHING to do with each other - and had NO reason to accept this person as a friend, I came clean - and basically told him that this time it was his "mother"--next time, it could be a killer.

My son (who is a senior in high school) visited the middle school to TALK ABOUT THE DANGERS OF MYSPACE. I was quite amused and interested.

Youtube is something else that bothers me - because the "tag lines" include their real names half the time.

There's little we can do to control the vast information available on the internet. Kids WANT their friends to be able to go to Youtube and download videos of them singing - they don't SEE that ANYONE can do that. So what we can do is explain to them the same thing our parents explained to us...don't make yourself accessible to strangers.

I do not agree wtih "suspending" myspace, as unless you're going to keep your child prisoner in your home, you really can't stop them from going on ANY public website. I do agree with talking to her - and even to her friend - and even to her friend's mom. Curtailing her computer time will help somewhat, but explaining why something is inappropriate may help her make her own choices.

I've noticed that some of those things I thought my children showed a lack of judgement on (for instance, my son has 779 myspace friends - I'm sure he doesn't know 779 people) - tend to get better as they get older and realize for themselves that their mother isn't an idiot and overprotective fool.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Unfortunately, you cannot control the way other parent's handle thier own kids myspace profile. I would not hold my breath for the other parent to do anything at all!

I also have a myspace so I can keep tabs on my dds. It is just one nightmare after the next with my 17dd, so suffice it to say, her computer time is getting smaller and smaller. OTOH, it's a cool way for me to stay in touch with my 19dd who is away at college along with her friends also.

I try not to get too undone by the 'titles' the kids name themselves - they are just trying to be different and shocking I believe and if you react to every little thing, you'll go nuts. What I do look for is content on thier myspaces that is offensive and/or rude. I have pointed out several to my 17dd over the past year and she's at times deleted a few 'friends' who weren't really friends at all.

OTOH, my 17dd has abused the privileges of having a myspace. It's a long story and involved an internet pedophile...and today it includes a loser who is 21 and has been stalking dd. She does nothing to discourage this type of attention and I think she even may find it thrilling. This boy/man has porn all over his site and some other objectable content, which I cannot believe dd is not upset about! So, she has basically been shut down. We've turned off her cell, called her school and she is no longer allowed to use the computers at school and we've removed the internet from our home. I even called the phone company and had them put a block on blocked callers because this loser kid calls the house with a blocked number. She can go to school and work and that's basically it. No more messing around. But I digress....;0)

My main point here was that it's up to YOU to decide what you want for your dd in regards to myspace or any other thing like it. Keep in mind that though she may close the current profile, she can open another one without your knowledge. My then 15dd did that and that's how she met the pedophile. Can you tell I hate myspace?

I'm sorry this has you so concerned, but you should be. Some kids do fine with that sort of thing, like my 19dd, but then there are others, like my 17dd, who simply should not be allowed anywhere near telecommunication equipment at all!

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003

Well you know here is the thing -- I can't control what other people do...anywhere...either in cyberspace or the school hallways or the mall food court etc etc. Not ALL my dd's acquaintances are going to be supervised with the same values I might have and just because she has them as a "friend" on a site like myspace or facebook or msn or whatever, doesn't mean they are truly a "friend". Even kids who slightly know each other will add each other but rarely if ever truly interact.

So I only worry about how my dd conducts herself on the internet and I know who her closest group of friends are and they all are pretty much the same "speed" as my dd. As for the rest of occasional acquaintances and classmates -- I don't really care because that's THEIR parents job and not mine. And I just thank my lucky stars that my dd is more sensible.

I know all my dd's passwords, she takes me through her space on occasion, I have my own myspace for fun and I have msn just so that I know how the things work and what to expect etc. I am fairly technically literate so I like to keep up with these things anyway. So far nothing my dd has posted or her close friends have posted have caused me any concern. And if she "sees" something a little suggestive, well, she can see that stuff just about anywhere ie on tv, in magazines (read Cosmo lately?), in films, in newspapers, etc. She's 15 going on 16 and these are things she has to know about. I'm not saying I want a dd who is sexually sophisticated but I do want a dd who is street wise and street smart because sheltering young people in this world is not only pointless but dangerous.

That's just my opinion of course and you do what you think you need to do but I wouldn't have bothered calling that other mother. Maybe she just doesn't care about it as much as you do and she probably couldn't care less how you react to it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006

I think you, as her mom, are in the best position to judge what is or is not appropriate for your daughter. If that means no internet, so be it. It doesn't matter if I agree with you or not. YOU are in control!

That being said, however, my dd (15) is absolutely forbidden to go to sites such as Myspace, utube, or anything similar. She is also prevented from using instant messaging of any kind. Of course, she was sneaky at first and found other ways to get to Myspace (that I didn't know about). Another mom (of one of my dd's friends) monitors her daughter's Myspace profile and found inappropriate material there that was placed by MY daughter. And it turned out that her daughter knew about it and consented to having it there. Both of us moms talked to the girls about this and stressed the risk(s) that they were assuming. Although I am not sure what the other mom did as a consequence, I took away my daughter's internet capability for 2 weeks. That was about a month or so ago, and I feel fairly confident that my daughter is not going to those sites now. I think it was the other girl's mom that "got through" to my daughter, as she (dd) will risk upsetting me, but can't stand to have other people upset with her, lol!

I take the position that it is my house, my rules. And yes, I guess I'm tough. But my dd is also tough and tends to "push" a lot, so I feel that I need to proactively be there to guide her along the way. I would have "lost" her a long time ago if I hadn't taken this "tough" approach.

So again, I think it is your call (but I personally don't see anything unreasonable about your proposal).

Good luck!
Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005

I have to agree with Julie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
I have 2 children (DD 15 and DS 17) that are regulars on Myspace. Our advice to them, is not to post anything on myspace that you wouldn't put on a sign in your front yard. We had an incident last year at our HS, where several Basketball players were kicked off the team due to photos (with alcohol) posted on myspace. One girl lost a college scholarship over the suspension from the team. I know my kids passwords and regularly log in and check out what is being said. Neither of my kids know I do this. If I find something questionable, I tell my kids that I've decided that I need to "randomly" audit their account and I make them login into myspace with me. We can then discuss and remove the objectionable stuff.
I also look at their friends myspace accounts. You can really gain a lot of insight into friends from the posts out there. I've been tempted to call parents.... but I haven't yet. Myspace can be accessed at the library.... or anyplace that has internet access. I'm not sure that forbidding access to myspace would really work. Where there's a will there's a way!
As an asides, try to google search your DDs name. We found a few "friends" websites that listed our DSs complete name.... not necessarily in a flattering way. We made him contact the friends and have his name removed.
Coaches... administrators.... potential employers all search for info. We are always stressing that our kids need to beware!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
There were even incidents in the last election for governor in Mass. where the press looked up the myspace pages of the candidates' kids (which I think is out of line) and found embarrassing things, like pictures of them drinking. Kids think only their friends are looking at their pages.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

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I am standing and applauding you at this moment. I have believed this for a long time, but you said it so simply and to the point... amen to that!
Rose

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