Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Need advice
7
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:45am
My nieces'(16) bf(16) and one of her friends(16) were killed in a car accident this week. I've never felt so useless. I can only offer a shoulder to cry on. I've taken food, etc. to their house a few times. I wish there was something I could do for her and my sister. Does anyone know if there are any books out there that I could get her? My sister is planning on getting her counseling. I can't believe he's gone - he was so young. Any advice and prayers would be appreciated. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:30am
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=421704&p=1010575 is a book that you might find helpful. Death is so upsetting, especially when it is children who haven't really began to live their life. My son is 16 & I have another that is 15 - I can't imagine. That would be the absolute hardest thing that I would ever have to deal with in life. I hope & pray that I never have to find out what that feels like. As for counseling, that is a wonderful idea. My youngest son had a major loss about 3 years ago. His dad committed suicide. My son was just beginning 7th grade when this happened. It was so hard for all of us. He fought me tooth & nail when I mentioned counseling. He wouldn't talk to me about how he felt. All I could see was this anger. I wanted him to be able to talk to someone. We luckily found a wonderful therapist not too awful far from where we lived. It was the best thing I could have done for him. He ended up loving her & has worked through alot of stuff. She has taken such an interest in him and it's just great. He is doing so much better now although that will always stay with him. He still sees her, but his visits are fewer and farther between. I don't know if they are a religious family, but something that always helps me is knowing I have my church family there for me, too. It is so great to have them around when something like this happens in your life. I pray that God will give them strength to make it through this ordeal. I hope the book helps. Have a blessed day!
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:39am

I have no advise for you and I am sorry. I just couldn't not at least post and tell you how sorry I am for you, your sis and her dd.

Sincerely,

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:59am

Just over a year ago my dd (almost 16 at the time) lost her best friend. He died in a plane crash along with his Dad, younger brother and younger sister. The book that samaples32 suggested was exactly the one I was going to suggest. I notice that even 15 months later my dd refers back to that book. Another thing she started doing (probably a month or so after the accident) was to start 2 journals. In one she put all her happy memories of her friend, all the good times they shared and also some of the "lighter" events surrounding the memorial service (my dd accidentally lit another friend's hair on fire giving her a hug). In the other, she writes about missing him, going on without him, etc. - all the sad stuff. She just commented to me the other day that she is now writing more in the happy journal as opposed to only writing in the sad journal when she started doing this. I could not get her to go to counseling (my dh and I actually went to the appointment we made for her since she refused to go), but she does seem to have her own way of dealing with her loss.

I am so sorry for your sister, her dd and family. It is going to be a rough time and I can't say that life will ever be "normal" again. We still sometimes mention things like "before the accident" or something like that. Good luck and we are sending prayers your way.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:16pm

I really appreciate your book recommendation. I looked at it online and read the excerpts(sp?). It looks like a book that will be helpful for her. I hope it is available at our local bookstore, if not I will order it online. I'm so sorry for you and your son's loss.

Thank you for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:17pm
Thank you I appreciate it. It's just so hard when they are hurting so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:25pm

I really like the idea of journaling, I had not even thought about that. It's a great way to get feelings out that you don't want to share with anyone else. I will get those tomorrow when I'm out looking for the book samaples32 & you recommended. My sister said she would get my niece into counseling but like your dd, my niece may refuse to go. I'm sorry for your dd's loss.

Thank you for your prayers and advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:05pm

For right now your shoulder will be better than any book - she probably is also dealing with a certain level of post traumatic stress also. The biggest thing you can focus on right now is yes life will look different on the other side of this but she is strong and loved.

Our community has had 14 dad's die and the oldest was only 52 - in the past 3.5 years. I have learned sometimes just sitting beside the person who is struggling to grieve is the best gift. I do tend to push my one friend who wants to shut life out but really just being there particularly when the drama wears off IS the best gift. Don't try to make it better, because you can't, but do let her know you love her and that you are there for her.

Counseling is a great idea - and as for books - let me look into what I have suggested in the past. I will certainly keep the families in my thoughts and prayers.

Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom