need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
need advice
7
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:50am

Hi. Second time on here. Anyway my dd is 16, 17 in August. She had a bf for almost a year. She dumped him and he was very hurt. She told him she just wanted to be friends. They lost their virginity together, only once, just to experiment. So only a couple weeks she started seeing a guy from school I think he's 18, graduating this year. She says she wants to take it slow. He just broke up with his gf also. She's always on the phone with him, coming home late after school, not calling home for hours while she's out, turning her cell phone off. She's never acted like this before. She used to be so reliable. Now she's mouthy( I know its the age). I really don't know what to do. She's also starting to wear little mini skirts, which I don't like and told her. So he's asked her to go to his grad with him June 1st. So now she has to buy a dress. She found one for $60. She said she has to pay $100 to go to the grad-supper and not sure what else that includes. She also says they are getting a limo and everyone has to pay. So $90 she has to pay for that. Then after the grad, her bf and a few others are renting a hotel room. I am really worried about that idea because I know all that is is drinking and sex. I really don't know how to handle this situation.
Another question, do I put her on the pill. I really don't like the idea, but should I anyway? I really don't want to give her the idea that I give her permission to have sex. But I don't want to be a grandmother at 35 either.
Please give me advice. I don't want to discuss this with my dh. He doesn't like the idea of this guy either. I don't want to discuss the pill with him. He didn't know about the sex with the other guy. He would fly off the handle. I didn't like the idea either, but I know its going to happen no matter what anyway.

Thank you for the advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:57am
My thoughts, for what they're worth...First, the money for this grad. How is she getting the money? Does she have a job or savings? I'm old fashioned, but I'm surprised he wouldn't be paying or his date! But certainly if she expects you to ante up the money you would be well within your rights to refuse. As for putting her on the pill, has she asked about it, or mentioned thinking of having sex with him? And when she "did it" with her other boyfriend, did they use any protection? I'm thinking that if she was responsible the first time, you could have a frank discussion with her about her future plans. I'd hesitate to just offer the pill out of the blue, though! She might be highly insulted if she's not planning to have sex with him at this point, and it takes away her part in the decision making process. After all, she needs protection from STD's as well, so she needs to look at all her birth control needs and options. On the other hand, if she just relied on luck and spontaneity the first time, maybe you do need to take charge a bit more. Last point - the hotel room. I'd just say an absolute, unqualified "NO" - if nothing else, it is illegal!! One person renting a hotel room and then having a bunch of (largely underage) friends "crashing" and getting drunk and probably damaging hotel property is NOT an acceptable situation by any standards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:17pm
Thank you for the advice. I agree with the grad thing. He invited her, her should pay for it. No she doesn't have a job and we have to pay for it. She is looking for a job, but no luck yet. I don't mind if she were to go to the grad and supper etc, but really don't want her to go to the hotel etc. I guess both dh and I have to sit down and talk about it again. As for the sex thing and the pill, I'm thinking of talking to her just her and I about it. I feel very very uncomfortable about it, but I think it has to be done. No she hasn't ask for it and don't think she would. She's too embarrassed about it. She said that before they used protection. I pray they did. But this new guy seems to be different. I don't know if I trust him. I really don't know him. There's just something about him I don't like. I don't know what it is yet. I also think he's alot more experienced.
Do you think that grownding at this age is still aright? If she doesn't come home on time or doesn't call home etc. I know that if she wants to do something bad enough she will anyway. Just want an oppinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:20pm

Wow! When I was reading your post, all sorts of little red flags started dancing in front of my eyes! It seems that such a turn around in behavior and attitude needs a closer look at the reasons behind them.

I would be a bit put off by the expenses this new boy is asking of a girl he only met a few weeks ago. And the limo and hotel room? I'd stop that before it happened. It's just too suspicious to me.

I don't think you would be unreasonable at all to tell your DD that you will not be paying for 'her share' of a limo, (I happen to think that if this is a 'date', her date should pay for her) but that you would be happy to drive her to the prom, and the boy if he would like, and you will pick her up after. No way would I allow a 16yo to attend an after-grad party in a hotel room. Who's paying for that? Will your DD be expected to cough up more $$$ for 'her share' of that, too?

Egad. This whole scenario just frightens me.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:29pm
Yes the whole thing with the guy makes me feel uneasy. Especially the after thing. I think I'm going to talk to my dh about it and then mabe a little later talk to the guy and my dd about the whole thing about the grad. But I'm still not liking the whole thing.
Yes dd has done a complete turn around in behavior. Only the last couple months has she been acting like this. Ever since she started seeing this guy. I'm not sure how long she's know him. But thats beside the point. I'm thinking that she's starting to rebell a little because her father doesn't really treat her very well. I have had many talks to him about it. So I think she wants to spend time with him to get the attention. Have someone pay some nice attention to her. I know thats what happened to me at the same age. I grew up in an alcoholic family. The first guy I was with I stayed with and still with :(
Anyway I don't need to discuss my past........lol
Thank you for your input, I appreciate it
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:37pm

I absolutely think that grounding at this age is alright - if not grounding, then some removal of privileges. For example, for every minute your child is home late from curfew, that is how many less minutes she is allowed out the next time for curfew. Or perhaps removing the computer, cellphone, etc. Just because kids will do what they want anyway doesn't mean you have to roll over and play dead.

I agree with the others that I would not allow the sleep over thing. As for b.c., you need to sit down and have a chat with her (if you do this while driving, neither of you will have to look directly at each other). If you suspect she is active, and if I were you I would, then you have to more or less take the bull by the horns and insist she go on b.c. I have to tell you that some young teenage girls actually WANT to get pregnant - as crazy as this sounds. You have to tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not raise her child, etc. I am getting that teenage girls don't think their moms will "give up" their first grandchild - I have told my dd in no uncertain terms that I would! I have seen, too, where parents are raising their grandbabies. Good luck, you're far too young to be a grandma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:34pm

Trust your gut!

If you feel uneasy about this, there's got to be a reason and I believe firmly in "Mom Instinct"! Better to go with your initial reaction to not let her participate in things that don't feel "right" and end up being wrong than to let her do something you're unsure about and be wrong on a larger scale.

Just my two cents...

Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:13pm

My advice would be


1.

Pam