Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Need Advice
5
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:17pm
I'm a newbie here - so please be gentle!

My DD (15) and her best friend did the classic "Switch" to their parents last Saturday

(DD said she was at friend's house, friend said she was here). They'd been at a quincenera party all day, and I found out by accident Sunday morning when her friend's mom asked me to have her daughter call her.

Long story short - she and her friend stayed at my DD's boyfriend's house (he's 16).

When she got home I confronted her - she admitted she'd been there, that his parents

were there, and that she and her girlfriend slept in another room.

I asked her repeatedly if she had sex, and she said no. I'm inclined to believe her (but maybe I'm just being naive). In the past we've had a great relationship. She's never lied to me before (to my knowledge anyway). I believe she's a virgin, but obviously doubts are creeping up now. We are fairly religious, and she's been brought up (and has told me that she believes) that sex before marriage is wrong, and will get in the way of a lot of the goals she's got in life.

Beyond the personal anguish and feelings of betrayal at my daughter for lying to me, I'm FURIOUS with this kid's parents - letting 2 15 year old girls spend the night without calling either set of parents!

The problem is that her boyfriend's family speaks little to no English - they have all boys (DD's BF is the youngest - the others are 18-20 ish).

I'm thinking of confronting the BF's family (with an interpreter I guess) and letting them know that my DD lied to me, that I NEVER would have allowed this, that I'm shocked that they would allow this behavior, that in not calling me I consider them to be irresponsible, and will never allow DD to be alone with their son for a long time, if ever. (They go to different schools, so this one is fairly easy to accomplish - we've taken away her cell phone, her home phone, and she's in gymnastics 4 nights a week til 8). Their son drives, but by CA law can't drive a minor in his car for another 6 months.

Advice on talking to the parents, legal issues, etc. needed.

I never dreamed I'd be in this position.

Thanks.

Tina

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tinryn
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:07pm
I realize you're angry with BF's parents for allowing the girls to sleep there, however, ultimately, your dd is the one who was wrong in this situation, along with her girlfriend and the BF. I would feel just as you do, however, I wouldn't complain or state to the BF's parents what I think of thier irresponible, non-parental attitudes and behavior. Instead, keep it simple and clearly state that under NO circumstances is your dd EVER allowed to sleep at thier house, nor is she allowed to visit thier son unsupervised. There is no misunderstanding with a statement like that - language barrier or no language barrier. I'd also call a small meeting between the BF, the friend and your dd. Sit them down an detail to then what 'might' have happened, and make sure that they all understand that this type of deceit will NOT be tolerated in the future.

As to whether or not your dd is a virgin: While I agree that it would be nice if our teens refrained from sex until they were full adults/married, the REALITY is they most likely will not. And while your dd agrees with you at this time that sex is something that she wants to refrain from so she can remain focused on her goals, you MUST keep in your head that the possibility is very real that she may just find herself in a situation that is very difficult to pull away from. Be sure that she is aware of birth control options that also protect her from disease and infections. Please don't allow your religious beliefs to get in the way of making sure your dd is protected.

Honesty and communication will be key in moving forward with your dd where her BF and best friend are involved. They have breached your trust and now they must earn it back. And from now on, when she makes plans, always call to check up on her. If it embarrasses her, too bad - she did this to herself. Hang tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
In reply to: tinryn
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:09pm

It could be that the parents were told by the son and/or girls that you gave permission for them to do so and they took the kids' words to heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tinryn
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:30pm
If the bf's parents are European, you're likely also up against an entirely different cultural set of values than the ones you are accustomed to. And, as someone else pointed out, the bf's parents could easily have been told that yes, the girls checked and it was fine with their parents to stay there (almost certainly this is the case). My ex is Eastern European and he wouldn't think practically twice about this situation. His issue would be mostly just about the kids being safe. He'd even just assume the kids had permission. Talking to them won't create a meeting of the minds. Telling them simply that you were unaware that your dd was there and from now on that will not be repeated is sufficient. Blaming them or holding them accountable for your DD's actions is, as the others pointed out, not appropriate (understandable, just not right). Because truly, what you're suggesting really IS trying to make them at least equally accountable as your daughter. She isn't their child; she's yours; she is accountable to *you*. Being angry at them is likely in lieu of putting all the anger on your dd; it's also easier. They aren't from this country; they were not raised here and they barely speak the language. I have had soo much experience with this and trust me, they are usually completely clueless as to the American expectations of American parents and they usually feel they have little to no option but to trust what they are told by their own kids or their kids' friends.

Feeling betrayed and that your dd has broken what has been up to this incident, a precious trust is an awful feeling. Understanding that she is going to make mistakes; sometimes act without thinking through all the consequences and taking each situation as it arises is part of what we all have to deal with and understand as they grow older. They will have been raised with our values, and those values and morals are imprinted on them. They may stray from that path as they grow and decide things for themselves, but they rarely depart 100% from that path unless that path is filled with condemnation vs correction more than not. There needs to be grace in parenting as well.

Good luck. She sounds like a good and decent kid who has made one mistake. You obviously love her and she obviously cares about the relationship between you. THose are good foundations on which to grow and make mistakes from. She'll be okay. HUGS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
In reply to: tinryn
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 3:17pm
Thank you for your advice and support.

I've calmed down a little, and have come up with this plan (most of which is your advice!)

1. I'm going to have a heart-to-heart talk with DD. I've never point blank asked her if she's a virgin, we've hinted around. I'm going to ask her point-blank (non-judgmentally) and let her know again the realities, that celibacy is the ONLY way to be sure that you're not pregnant, but if she can't practice that, birth control and STD control MUST be a fact of life for her. Hoping that this information will come to her before she needs it! I did tell her yesterday that there is nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her (but suggested that she not test that theory LOL).

2. DH & I (and perhaps other girl's parents, if they want to) are going to talk to the BF's parents. They're Hispanic, and I think they may have been lied to by the kids as well. I'm fairly sure their son knew we would not approve of this, as well as my dd did. The plan is to calmly (non-judgmentally, again) tell them that our DD was there without our permission, had lied to us, we would not have allowed it, and we're not going to allow the 2 kids to have any unsupervised time together. I'm going to request that if they (the parents) are in a position and they aren't sure about something, to call us immediately, and we will do the same.

3. After the month of grounding, I'm going to request a talk with all 3 kids and explain to them that they "blew it" with their judgment, I'm not happy about being lied to, and they are going to have to re-earn our trust. (All 3 of these kids call me "mom", so fortunately I have a good relationship with the other 2 already)

Thanks for the hugs. Trying to keep calm. I'm sure this won't be the last time one of my kids does something like this.

Thanks y'all.

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: tinryn
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:53pm

Sorry I'm late in my response but it sounds like you are handling it well.



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