Need advice! DD and drinking! Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Need advice! DD and drinking! Help!
5
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:47pm

Help!

My 16 year old DD is a "good" kid, and we have a really good relationship. She talks to me about almost everything which is great. She hangs out with "good" kids, mostly all honor students. She is a dancer, and takes dance classes at least 4 days a week. I know most all of her friends, and their parents. She has had a boyfriend now for about 4 months.

Over the past year we have noticed a change in most of her friends. Those who didn't drink over the summer have all started drinking. Parties that last year were okay to go to, now include alcohol. The MOST surprising part of all of this to me is the PARENTS that supply the alcohol to these kids! Through all of this she has kept the communication open with me and tells me about what her friends are doing. Towards the end of the summer, her and one of her girlfriends were seemingly the only ONES in their group of friends that were not drinking. I thought she was satisfied with her decision NOT to drink, and was very proud of her for that. We have had many conversations about drinking and driving, and how NEVER to get in a car with someone who has been drinking.

A couple of weeks ago I talked to her non-drinking friends mother, who said that her daughter was waivering and made comments that her and my daughter would be sitting home by themselves forever while everyone else is out having fun. (There was an incident at dance where there was a party being planned and my daughter and hers were singled out saying they knew they didn't drink, but, could still come to the party and be picked up early).

So, to try to make this a little shorter....(sorry)... I was at the mall last night with my daughter, one of her girlfriends, and her boyfriend shopping for a homecoming dress. We sat down to eat, and she proceeds to "ask" me if she can go to a homecoming party. She talks about how responsible she is. I told her I would think about whether or not she could go. She says that there will be alcohol there. (Another place where the PARENT is supplying)She also indicates that she is thinking about having a drink. WELL, my first reaction was NOT good. I couldn't believe she was having this conversation with me with all of these other kids there. Kids that I KNOW drink. I was so mad. I didn't talk to her much for the rest of the mall time. Not good, I know.

So after we got home, and got rid of the extra kids, I went to her room to talk to her. I told her I was not happy about the way she brought this up to me. BUT, I am glad that she is still talking to me about things, and I am glad we have such a good relationship. I went over all of the reasons she should NOT drink. I told her that her telling me she is responsible, yet saying that she wants to drink at 16 contradicts itself. I told her it illegal. I told her that I was NOT going to give her my approval or my permission. I told her that she is going to have to make her own decsions and choices and I realize that I am not going to always be there to make them for her, but I had hoped that she would make the right ones. I gave her MANY reasons why she should NOT drink and asked her to give me ONE why she should. She couldn't . We again had the drinking and driving conversation.

I am terrrified and disappointed! I don't want her to STOP talking to me. I am beating myself up about how I handled this. I really don't know what to do at this point. I can't keep her chained up. All of her "friends" that drink do not tell their parents. AND, their parents remain clueless ( I think some of them because they WANT to be), and the other parents are the ones BUYING the alcohol! What now! Please give me some advice! Have you been in this situation? Where did I go wrong?

Thank you in advance!!
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:44pm

Well, I for one think you handled this **** beautifully ****. I really can't think of one thing to add. Consider yourself lucky you have this kind of relationship with your dd, and the way you handled things, I don't think she'll stop talking to you, either. Of course, that is a risk you take, but you couldn't have done it any differently. There is no way you can condone her drinking, so what else could you have done? I don't think you took too hard a stance because while you didn't "forbid her" to drink so to speak, at the same time you made it clear that you cannot condone that behaviour, and it will be up to her to make the right choices. You do have to let her go a little, and see if she will wind up making those good choices. From what I've gathered the 'experts' have said, it is best to do this while they are still at home and before they are "out on their own" and have no one around to enforce limits. I know, it's scary...

As for these "parents" (I use the term loosely) who are providing the alcohol, they are breaking the law by contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If it were me, and I knew where the party was, it would be difficult for me *not* to contact the proper authorities, anonymously, of course. The way I look at it, how are we going to stop these parents otherwise? They've also got to be held accountable. This kind of situation makes my blood boil, believe me I've seen it quite a bit myself only so far I have never known where the party was until after it's happened and it's a little late to call the officers then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 3:47pm

I am going through the same thing myself and I don't know that there's much you can do. My DD is 17 1/2 and I just found out that she has tried drinking a couple of times. She said most of her friends drink a lot more and she is one of the few holdouts. Now she is an honor student, works part-time, is otherwise very responsible, so I was pretty surprised. The main thing I am trying to prevent is drinking while driving. I haven't heard that parents are supplying the alcohol. They must either have a fake ID or get older people to buy it (or maybe raiding the parents' liquor supply). We don't really drink at home, so it's not available here.

I don't know how stupid those parents are. I would even let my own DD drink in my home, but I would never serve another underage kid due to liability. I was talking w/ my friend about this, who has 17 & 19 yo sons. She is from RI and they just passed a law that could sent parents to jail for 6 mos. It is also a criminal offense in MA, where I am from. Not to mention that if a drunk kid drove and got in an accident, they or the person they hit could sue the homeowner.

My friend's 19 yo son is in college and she knows very well that he drinks, even though he is still underage. She doesn't supply it to him however. The kids went to their cousin's high school grad party, where the parents allowed everyone to drink. The 17 yo had not drunk alcohol before that. He has gastric reflux disease (like his mother) and I guess the next day, he could hardly talk. I guess if you have that disease, you aren't supposed to drink, so she was really mad that the cousins let him drink w/o her knowledge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:49pm

Jennifer,

It's sad to say that in today's society, most kids face this. It sounds to me like you handled everything exceptionally well - better than I did a couple of weeks ago with my college aged DD.

You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds to me like you've done a whole lot of right things. She's talking to you and she's listening to you. Congratulations!

Lia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 4:07pm

Thank you.

It is good to know I am not alone! I have seriously thought about calling the cops and teaching some of these parents a lesson. The only thing stopping me would be if my anonymous phone call ended up not being anonymous some how. It is kind of a small town and I don't want dd to pay the price for that.

I have not decided 100% if I am going to let her go to the homecoming party or not. The easy thing would to not let her go. BUT, there will just be a next time.

It would be nice if some of the other parents would open their eyes and see what is going on. I have even tried to "hint" to some, but they don't want to hear.

Thanks again!
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 6:09pm

I've tried calling the cops and they do want your name. I gave them that and it did not get back to DD but it didn't make a diff. The cops went and once they realized there was an adult there, they just told them to hold down the noise! That's it!

In our town, the cops and sheriffs are horrible about looking the other way when it comes to teen drinking and drugs.