need help with 15 year old son

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
need help with 15 year old son
9
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:29pm
the other day i came home from work, my son's bedroom door was open so i went in and found him half naked with a girl on his bed. i dont know what to do, especially because this girl's mom doesnt want my son near her daughter.
please reply, thanx
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:32pm

I'm sure that was a shock, but you don't give a lot of info. Were they actually "doing" anything? I'm making the assumption that since they were only "half-naked", they hadn't made it all the way to intercourse. If they were actively making out, I would have had a long talk with them, right then and there, about respect, reputations, safe sex, you know...the whole nine yards. You might want to moniter (someway/somehow) who he has over while you are gone, or find the boy a job (paying or volunteering) so he doesn't have a lot of time on his hands. Other than that, I'm not sure what else to tell you. :(

And as far as the girl's mom goes, as far as I'm concerned, that would be *her* concern. Unless there is more to the story than is posted here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 7:49am

Disagree about it being "her concern". I would call the mom and tell her what the mom discovered. If they were "half naked",how does she not know that it was not the first time.
The parents of the girl should be informed AT ONCE.

It is obvious that the parents do not approved of this boy and the relationship. By not telling the parents, you are encouraging this girl to go against her parents. That is not right.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:23am

I would have a sit down with your son and go over some ground rules concerning friends being allowed in the home, especially his bedroom, when you are not present. I'd talk with your son about sexual relations, protection, STD's, respect and consideration for the girl, etc. I would let him know how the girls' parents feel about the relationship and that I planned on contacting them about this incident. Then I would call the girls' mom and let her know that you do NOT condone this type of behavior in your home or anywhere else and that your son is not allowed to have GF over when you're not home. Depending on the mom's response, I might also find a tactful way of saying that while you DO like her dd, you do not want her in your house when you're not there and that you would appreciate it if the mom could please discuss this with her dd.

Then, I would definitely make sure your son was kept busy by either getting him a job or a volunteer position at a local farm or day camp. Something, anything to keep him from having too much time on his hands. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:46pm
thanx 4 advice, about the job thing, i think its great but im pretty sure my son wont even consider that option, he will do it only if he wants to not if someone else is telling him to do it, my husband and i had many arguments 'bout our son's behavior. my husband never wants to stop him or tell him he's wrong and im tired because im the only one that is always controlling him. im afraid he might stop listening to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:53pm
sorry i didnt give out much information before, here it is anyway:
Ok, they werent actually 'doing' it but they were about to, anyway jimmy(my son) and i have talked 'bout these things and he knows i would approve anything he wants to do as long as it is safe for him and everybody else involved.
i'd like to talk to Her mother. it began when jimmy insisted and finally made me go to this school meeting/party, i met Her mother there for the first time and she immediately told me she didn't trust my son and he was a bad influence for her daughter. i admit my son is no saint and hes quite rebellious. Her mother wants them to split up but im more than sure that they will still manage to get together, and i dont think that's the solution. i'd love to talk things out but we dont get along quite well.
btw, thanx 4 advice, it's always good to have an opinion
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:38pm

I'm not sure what you need help with. Your ds15 was about to have sex with his girlfriend which apparently you have approved of...his girlfriend's mother wants to keep them apart, but you don't care, so what exactly is the problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:14pm

I understand your dilemma. I have a 17 yo son who became someone else at 14. We're use to being in control and once our children become teens, we lose much of that control and feeling of them being safe. Friends are everything and sex (or anything risk-taking) is appealing. Your son is interested in sex and that does not warrant any drastic measures. Don't worry about talking to the mother, or the girl. Talk to your son. I'm sure this was very embarrassing to him. We all were 15 once, consider how you would feel. Talk about safe sex and making good choices. Know that if he has already had sex, he probably will continue, and no job or extracurricular activity will divert his attention. Talk about being responsible, possible outcomes and being discreet. Let him talk to you and listen to what he has to say. They want to feel like they know everything, so start with "I know you probably already know this, but as a mom I just have to be sure, so tolerate me for a moment". Treat him like the adult he is trying to become. Make your conversation short, he only hears the first 2-3 sentences, then tunes you out. Don't make more of this than there is, but take the opportunity to educate.

I am a nurse practitioner who sees teens daily with herpes, genital warts, pregnancy and various std's. Our most important job as parents is to keep them alive, so that they have a chance when they're brain finally kicks back into gear.
Good Luck...I'm still learning too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:32pm
I have to agree with mom_dragonfly.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 3:57pm

As far as a job, there probably aren't a lot of places that will hire a 15 yr. old. Where we live, a lot of places won't even hire someone who is 16. But I do think it's funny that your son can say he doesn't want to get a job. Then I would say, fine, then we aren't paying for XX so it's up to you if you don't want to have any money for..whatever whould be very important to him. My DD is 17 and our expectation was that she would have to contribute toward car ins. since it's very expensive here in MA. She has had a job since last summer. Then my mother decided to give her an old car and we said, your insurance will be more and you will have to pay for gas too. She complains but she does it. Now my DSD turned 16 and has shown no interest in getting a job, some of which is because I think she is shy and doesn't like to try new things. My DH has finally gotten to the point where he is going to take her around and make her put in applications.

As far as the original problem, I think a major problem is that your husband won't step up & discipline your son along w/ you. Is he one of those guys who thinks it's "manly" to try to go all the way or get as much as you can w/ a girl? I think a boy would listen a lot more to his father if he is the one who is telling him about respecting women and waiting for a serious relationship. I know my 10 y.o. son started asking me a lot of questions about sex, which I was answering, but I did call my ex and told him that he should start having "the talk" and he was very happy about doing it. I think it's too bad that kids think nothing of having sexual activity at a young age. And really, there's only so much you can do to prevent it, since if they really want to, they will find an opportunity.

Liz