Need help with 16 year old step son

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Need help with 16 year old step son
3
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:35pm

This is my first post to this board. I am looking for some help.

I have been married for 6 years, my step son has lived with us for all that time, including 2 years prior to our marriage so he has lived with us since he was 8. My son, 3 years older has also lived with us the entire time.
Things were never great, but not horrible either. My stepson and I had issues that we tried to resolve, but a few years ago were told by his parents to give it up. So we do not have a good relationship, according to my DH he hates me.
Anyway, I have noticed through the years that our bedroom has been gone through, especially my stuff for a while. When I have mentioned I have missing underwear and it mysteriously turns up behind the dryer or water heater, I have been told I am imagining it. I did booby trap my drawers and let it go. Then it started again last summer, where my SS was using our bathroom and messing up our room when we were gone. He never admitted it, but my son did and my DH believed him for once. I threatened to move out, I refused to live in a place where I had no privacy. SO we put a lock on the door. We also have a door adjacent that goes in the bathroom and that is always locked.
In that year, it has been ok, but I have noticed things off and on out of sorts. The door not locked at times, things moved around in the room, the computer on, the shower floor wet after we have been gone all day. Even once there was a condom wrapper on the bed, which we do not use and my DH said to let it go, did not investigate it and I didn't pursue it. I tell my Dh and he says it is my imagination, the door is locked, noone can get in.

This all comes to a head Saturday night. My DH and I went to a wedding and my son came along. My SS did not want to go so he stayed home. When we came home, our door was locked, but things looked off. AS the bed had the sheets untucked and I just changed them that morning, so they should not have been. I figured my DH stumbled against it or something. We were tired so we didn't notice anything else.

In the morning I noticed a bottle of lubricant on my dresser, which is across the room from the bed. It is always kept in the headboard and we have not used it for a long time. I also noticed my drawer of AHEM toys was open, also not used in a while. I freaked and told my DH he better find out what went on. We figure he had a girl over.
I had a BBQ to go to and when I came home, both boys were at work and DH home. I asked him and he said he denied it and left it at that. I was steamed! He said he probably got in through the bathroom which was one of those locks you can pick. And he knew this all along! I said I was moving out as I cannot live in a place like that.
When he picked SS up from work he told him how upset I was and he did admit he got in through the bathroom and he did not have a girl over and it was just something he did by himself. I find that much worse. Because I also discovered some wet areas on my underwear and when I moved my AHEM toys around, they were not clean. Needless to say all that went in the garbage as did the sheets. My DH said I am overreacting and last night he put a nail in the bathroom door so it cannot be opened or the molding will split. He said maybe my SS has a crush on me and laughed about it. I find it horrifying and disgusting and a bit scary.
Why would he do this, why use my stuff? I have noone else to ask and do not know if this is normal or deviant behavior. He has a computer in his room and can do whatever he wants in there, so why was he in my bed with my things?
I still cannot live in that house and am actively looking for a place to stay, but having a hard time. I have also called my old counselor who I saw when I was going through a divorce years ago and set up an appointment.

But I want to know if I am wrong feeling so upset over this. I told my DH maybe SS needs to get help and he told me to get over it and lighten up. Is this behavior ok? My son is 19 and never once did anything like that. I am confused and hurt and don't know what to do.

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 5:47pm

I do not have sons but I don't think this would be normal behavior. DH should most definitely take this more seriously. If the boy is going to all the trouble to pick the locks to get into your room so that he can "play" with your personal and very private items, then there is a problem here and it's not with you.

It sounds to me like you are taking the necessary steps to protect your privacy. If DH isn't going to insist that his son respect your privacy, then I think I would also be looking for alternate living arrangements.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 7:27pm

I think your SS needs help, and the sooner the better.


Your DS has never done any of these things because that would be too gross to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 8:24am

Thanks so much, both of you for responding and letting me know I am not off base here that he might need some help.

It's at the point I do not feel safe in my house. I told my DH that and said he needs to get his son some help. I doubt he will do anything, which is so sad.
I did want to be sure I wasn't overreacting as I am being told I am.

Thanks again