Need help with dd's friend choice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Need help with dd's friend choice
7
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:59am

My dd, 14, has found a new friend that I am not comfortable with. she is 14, was pregnant at 13 and I am quite sure is still sexually active. She is also a cutter and I believe a member of a gang. My dd is a high honor student and is well liked by teachers and other kids at school. My dd spends quite a bit of time on the computer and the phone with her friend after school. My dh is quite strict and rarely lets her go out with her friends and she is beginning to resent it and tells us she is a prisoner in the house. We have tried to tell her that if she wants to go somewhere with her frineds that we will need to talk to the friend's parents before she is allowed to go. All has been going well until I found my daughter's journal while looking for an electronic cord in her bedroom. Of course, I began to read it and found out that one day afterschool she left a basketball game and went to her friend's house for about an hour. She has been forbidden to go to this girl's house because there is not parental supervision. She was given permission to go to the game. My husband grilled her after she got home (he was not told she was going to the game) and asked her if she went to the girl's house. Of course, she said no. There was also mention in the journal that my dd's friend is trying to hook up a 15 year old boy with my dd. My daughter is feeling that since no boys have asked her out and express no interest in being a boyfriend to her that she is somehow inferior and that is being translated into her not being beautiful or interesting. She is both.

There was also a very explicit description of her friend's encounter with a boyfriend and the details about a sex act. I want to discuss all of this with my daughter in non-threatening way but I am afraid I will be pushing her even further into rebelling against us and driving her into some sneaky behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:53am

I sure don't blame you for not wanting your dd to be around this girl too much.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:04am

Do you think there could be some kind of rebellion going on here since your DH is "quite strict and rarely lets her go out w/ friends?" What is the reason for this? Of course your DD, who you say is an honor student, will resent having no social life in high school. While I agree w/ not just letting her go anywhere and think it's a bad idea for kids to be hanging around someone's house if no parents are home, why is your DD not allowed to go out w/ friends? Maybe she wouldn't focus so much time on this girl if you and DH encouraged her friendships w/ other girls that you liked more.

I don't think I'm very lax as a parent, but by the time my DD was in high school, if she wanted to go to the movies or the mall w/ a friend (usually friends), as long as I knew whose parents were driving, I wasn't that concerned about getting to know the parents, like I would be if she was still in elem. school. I did know her friends, mainly from taking turns driving them in the car, they were all nice girls, so I figured they had normal parents. I just think that being too restrictive is going to backfire, and it seems that it has already started.

There were a lot of posts started by hydrangea_blue, I think, about the fact that her DD has a nice friend whose parents never let her go out and how after a while the other kids don't want to ask her to go anywhere because they just assume she won't be able to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:05am

I can totally sympathize with this. My DD15's absolute best friend has had a somewhat checkered past (drinking, sexually risky, cutting). They've been friends since 7th grade, and I've always considered this girl to be a risky friend for my DD.

What I've tried to do is help my DD keep it in perspective. I focus on the behavior of the other girl, and not on whether I like the girl or not. I actually think that she's a good friend to my DD, and do like her, but she doesn't have good judgement. By using this approach, I have avoided most (not all, but most) arguments about "you hate my friend". It's also helped my DD learn that you can be friends with someone and disagree with choices they're making about their life. I think if you talk about this openly and calmly with your DD, you'll help *her* come to see the behavior as risky, rather than you just telling her.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:11am

I can certainly understand you wanting to limit your DD's time with this friend; I agree she does not seem like a very good influence.

As musiclover mentioned, my DD has a friend who sounds much like your DD. Her parents are unbelievably strict and imo, she really is a prisoner in her own home, to use your words. Like your DH, he does not allow this girl to attend any sports events because 'teenage pregnancy is on the rise'. (I'm not sure how he thinks someone can get pregnant sitting on the bleachers at a basketball game, but he seems to think it can happen.) The only activities this girl is allowed to participate in are school related, as in study groups, or to meet community service requirments (at which mom participates too).

Because I have seen the e-mails this girl has sent to my DD, and seen how very sad and lonely she is, I think I sympathize more with your DD right now. It seems natural that due to the restrictions placed on her life by her parents, she will reach out to the first person that extends the hand of friendship ... regardless of who it is, regardless of whether or not this person shares similar morals or values. It also seems a logical consequence of her restricted life that she will rebel in some way. I'm not saying that it's okay, or that you should ignore it, just that I can see how it would happen, and I don't see how you can NOT expect it.

Invite this girl over, try to get to know her on a different level. In fact, let your DD invite other friends over, let her go to the occassional movie ... in other words, loosen the reins a little. If she is given some freedom, she will be less inclined to sneak around behind your back.

While I understand you are doing what you feel is best to protect your DD (and the world is a scary and dangerous place these days) I don't feel that cutting her off from the world completely is in her best interest.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 1:46pm

Well, first, I think we can all agree and understand why you are uncomfortable with her choice of friends - to say the least!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 8:38am

I like the idea already given of letting her see the friend at your house under your supervision

For the dating issue, have you set an age where she can date? If its 15 or 16, I think you can just reinforce THAT instead of turning it into being about this girl and the type of boy she is likely to introduce dd to

What about other friends? Is there another relationship in the picture you could encourage? maybe even the three of them? Balance her out a little?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 3:52pm

thanks everyone for your ideas. I actually went to the school to talk to the guidance counselor. I've known her since my dd was in 6th grade. She gave me some great insight as she went through some similar things with her daughter. She also knows the girl in question. She told me that the father is quite on top of his daughter's behavior and she is also closely monitored. My dd came up with a solution that was good for her, her friends and her father. Today I dropped her off at a friend's house (parents are terrific and very involved) where the three girls were to meet for an hour before my husband dropped them off at the movies. They will then go back to the friend's house where my dd will spend a few hours having girl talks, etc.

I think she is beginning to listen to some of my reasons for concern with her friend. I am trying to talk to my dh about giving her a bit of freedom and I am also going to the basketball games to meet up with my friend who is the Parent Liaison at the school. This solution was actually suggested by the guidance counselor. As an aside, my husband was checking out a broken window in my dd's bedroom and he came across her journal which I took from him, before he read it, and told him that it was private and that he needed to respect that. They both don't know that I have read it and I am going to keep it that way. The counselor said as long as I am aware of some of the content, it will help me monitor the situation a little bit better.

One good thing is that when she goes to high school they are grouped according to ability. My daughter will be in the honors classes and her friend may be moving to another state. She will not be in any of my dd classes so I think we may be able to handle this for the rest of the school year.