Need help following my own advice (long
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| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:48pm |
I'm always one of the first to jump in with the advice "let it go" (one of the wisest sentances of all times) or "disengage". Right now, I'm having a tough time applying this wisdom to my own life & I'm looking for support, wisdom, advice or all of the above.
I've posted about my dd's self esteem issues - she is talking to a counselor and I know she's working on this. Among the things she struggles with are Add and concentration, which affects her grades and her body-image. She is a beautiful girl - I remember watching her once when she was little and thinking "I hope she doesn't make her beauty her identity". Watch what you wish for. She thinks she's hideously ugly. She has gained about 15-20 pounds since the beginning of the school year and I know it makes her miserable, but this is something she will not talk about.
She dresses to hide her body and wears too much makeup to hide her (beautiful) face. I say nothing about either of these things -usually - but I found myself commenting when we were on vacation (about the clothes) because she'd packed some really nice things I'd bought for her back when she went to a Leadershp conference (where there was a dress code) but she ended up wearing the same few t-shirts and hoodies. It's like they are her security blankets.
I know she wants to do something about the weight thing - we've talked about it a little - but I don't know how far to go with it. We rarely eat fast food - pizza is a treat every once and awhile. I cook healthy meals and we eat together almost every night. I buy sweets occasionally and I know she has pop and all sorts of junk at school. While we were on vacation, she ate constantly. Our hotel had breakfast, high tea and snacks in the evening. She always went for the danish or the cupcakes (even if we were just returning form a meal) and the pop.
She is not obese by any standards, but it breaks my heart when I go to put the same t-shirts and hoodies in her drawer after doing laundry and I see that she's tried on and disgarded shirt after shirt in her drawer. She'll take 1/2 hour to get ready to go somewhere and emerge wearing the same things. I don't know what to do to help her - saying nothing seems wrong, yet everything I do say sounds worse.
Ok - that's part 1. Part two is the studying. She has mostly A's, but she has a C in science a C in math and an F in Western Society right now (her grades are posted on the internet). The F is from one test that she barely studied for. She has a WS test tomorrow and she did study last night after I nagged her and she did her science paper after I nagged her. I feel that I am constantly on her & it feels terrible. How much nagging is encouragement and how much is just too much?
Every time I open my mouth to remind her to study and every time I say something stupid like "why don't you wear the blue shirt?", I feel like I'm pounding another nail into her self-image coffin.
She is the best kid as far as temperment goes. I am so proud of her for who she is and for the kind, compassionate, funny, talented person that is hiding behind the hoodie. And I don't care about the hoodies or how much she weighs - I care that she cares.
How much of this do I let go? How do I keep my big mouth shut when she's paging through a magazine instead of studying for a test?
Thanks!
jt

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its tuff....
i think that you need to pick your battles, so to speak. leave her alone about the weight gain and the clothing. as my son once said to me - i KNOW that i gained weight, you don't have to remind me. so your dd is aware of her weight gain, the fact that she is trying to hide it speaks volumes... you are doing the correct things by trying to keep the house junk-free. anyway, a lot of female teens dress the same way - even if they are thin - alot of young women have a problem with their body image at that age. don't add fuel to the fire by making comments.
as for the school work - nag away, if she will let you.
Thanks for your input. One thing I want to be clear on - I have NEVER ever said anything about her weight. When I knew she was tryihg, in her own bumbling way, to diet - I broached the subject by commenting that I noticed she'd been trying to develop healthy eating habits and asked her if she was trying to change anything about her body image. That's when she talked to me a little. I tell her all the time that she's beautiful (and I mean it) - if I don't like something about her hair/makeup/clothes I usually keep my trap shut. I did comment on the clothes a few times - not what she IS wearing (the same several things), but what she is NOT wearing (clothes she picked out and I paid for and have never seen the light of day).
My 16dd would wear old t-shirts and giant oversized (dirty looking) sweatshirt hoodies everyday and I don't really battle it anymore. There are times when I want her to dress more appropriately and on those occasions I ask her to please wear something else and I personally do not think there is anything wrong with asking her to change into something nice FOR ME once in a while, like if we go out to dinner or like when we went to NYC for a broadway show, etc. However, the rest of the time, she can dress as she likes. And because we don't make a big deal about her choice in clothing, she's less likely to argue when I do ask her to change into something a little nicer for me.
As for the little roll growing around her middle, I bite my tongue. I want to say, "You know, if you moved more or did some type of exercise you'd lose that middle" or "you know, stop eating so many french fries at school" but I don't. Instead I buy good quality foods and lots of fruit for snacks around the house; we don't drink or buy soda ever and we don't buy a lot of cookies and things. My dd's problem isn't so much over eating as it is just pure lethargy = the kid doesn't move and she naps almost every day. I've tried motivating her to no avail. I don't tell her she's fat, though if I make her skip the french fries she accuses me of thinking she's fat. I tell her it's about health, not weight. She's overflowing over all her jeans and it grosses me out since all the jeans are so low that the roll of fat hangs over. But I'm not going to add anymore pressure to what she probably already sees is an issue.
As for the tests and studying - I think you need to stay on top of that. I don't think denying her tv time or telephone time in lieu of studying is unfair. Despite her issues with her body and self esteem she needs to know that her education is a priority. Besides if she does well in school, perhaps that will be the thing she can feel better about herself for rather than feeling bad about EVERYTHING. I know that my dd struggles with her classes a lot, and it's a battle to help her see the benefits of actually TRYING to do better in her classess - but that's basically the only thing we really nag her about. Well, that any getting her chores done. The weight, her hair, her clothes? Well, that's just not that important and I refuse to make that an argument. Hang in there and I hope she comes around.
jt,
{{hugs}} to you! It's hard to watch our girls go through something like this! My own DD wore the same things over and over and over again in 7th & 8th grade. We'd go shopping and she'd pick out really cute things to wear (outside the jeans/hoodie/flip-flop uniform) and they'd hang in the closet until they were too small. It would drive me bonkers! She'd get dressed up in the cute stuff to hang around the house, but then put on the old stuff to go to school. She had just decided to observe the strict, but unspoken social heirarchy of her school rather than take the risk of being called a 'poseur' by wearing something outside the 'uniform' permitted at her social status level.
Okay, but this has little to do with your DD's choice in clothes. I'd probably let that go. For whatever reason, she feels comfortable in what she chooses to wear and when she's ready to wear something else, she will.
DD does not have a weight problem at all, but she has terrible eating habits so there is a very good chance she will someday if she doesn't change them now. Just because she doesn't have an issue with her weight, it doesn't mean I don't talk to her about her diet. (We had a rather snappy discussion about it just this morning.) There has been more than one occassion I've said something like "Aside from that bag of Cheetos, all I've seen you eat today is chocolate. So, that's it; no more junk today. If you're still hungry I'll be happy to make you a sandwich, but no more garbage." Trying to be sensitive to her weight and talking about her food choices can be tough, I know, but you know your DD well, and perhaps can come up with a diplomatic way you to make suggestions about different food choices when she's snacking. (When you find one, let me know -- I tend to be rather direct and sometimes it doesn't always go over well!)
Soda is the biggest calorie waster I know of. That's where younger DS gets his weight, I think, so one day a while back I told him that I felt her drank too much of it, that it really wasn't good for him and really didn't do much to quench his thirst, which is why he wanted another just a few minutes after finishing one. I told him he could have one a day. He's gotten now to where he'll tell me "this is my soda for today", and if later in the day, he forgets and he wants another (like at the movie theatre yesterday) I just remind him he already had his soda for the day and he can have water. Well, sometimes I let it go ....
DS also tends to be a snacker and I'll find him in the kitchen looking for food 30 minutes after we've eaten dinner. I ask him if he's really hungry or if he's just bored and needs something to do. It does make him stop and think, and usually, he's bored. I hate being the food police, it's not fun and I feel like a mean ogre mom (and really, if he's hungry, he can eat -- I don't withhold food) but I do feel he's developed some really bad eating habits -- both kids have, actually.
Last thing ... I promise I'll finish up soon. I still pack lunches for both kids. DD is rather picky and I feel pretty confident that she'd eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a bag of chips for lunch if I didn't pack one for her. Lunch packing is my absolute least favorite thing, but it allows me some control over what she eats during the day. I do pack chips of some variety and a couple of cookies, but also baby carrots and apple slices. I've no doubt the cookies and chips get eaten first thing, but she's at school so long she's bound to get hungry again and chances are pretty good she'll save the carrots and apples to eat after school.
With DS, I pack differently. I pack pretzels instead of chips and no cookies at all. He gets the carrots and apple slices too and since he tells me, I know he eats what I pack.
Maybe you can offer to pack your DD's lunch for her. From what my kids tell me, having a lunch ready at lunchtime is much better than spending most of lunch waiting in line and then not having much time to eat.
Sorry I've rambled so long! I hope you can make sense of what I'm trying to say! I'm a bit rushed -- DS is home sick and is rather whiny so I guess I should go see what's up.
Julie
P.S. The school/homework thing is a big issue here too. I still nag. In fact, DD spent EIGHT HOURS Saturday working on a poster for her religion class that should have taken about TWO. She was supposed to spend the night with a friend and I refused to take her until the entire thing was finished. I have been known to say something like, "you can finish up tomorrow, let's go". But I stuck to my guns this time -- I wanted that poster done so we didn't have to think about it again over the long weekend. Her friend had to wait.
jt,
DS seems to be tucked away in his room and content (boy, has he been demanding today!) and I was just able to go back and read what I posted earlier today.
Please forgive that mess! I wrote a whole bunch trying to say just a little. Guess that's what happens when I get interrupted a dozen times in as many minutes and don't spend much time in 'edit' mode. What I tried to say, and said pretty badly, was this: if your DD was a toothpick and you noticed all she ate was junk, you'd probably talk to her about her food choices -- her weight wouldn't come into play at all. You would talk to her about how her food choices affect her health and well being and her ability to focus and do well at school, and I wonder if this isn't the way to approach it now -- as if she didn't have a few extra pounds. Because I have a chubby son, I know what you face. With him, I have been trying to keep the focus on better food choices and how he can be and feel healthier as opposed to focusing on how much he weighs or how big he is, even though I'm concerned about it. With DD, it's just better food choices in general for the long-term.
You are doing a great job with your DD! All you posts show that you are a concerned and loving parent and doing a fabulous job raising your DD, who sounds like an absolutely lovely young lady you have every reason to be very proud of.
I sure hope I haven't bungled this up even more! Some days are just better than others, ya' know? This may have been one of those days I would have been better off keeping my fingers quiet.
Julie
How was Disney World?
Deb
Just want to toss something out here:
Who is going to nag our kids about homework in a couple of years when they're off to college?
Julie,
You raise an interesting point. If she was underweight, I most likely would say something. The hard part is, with so much attention focused on girls who aren't eating - it's even more difficult for her to talk about her feelings about her body. When one of her toothpick friends says "I'm SO fat" and then grabs another piece of pizza, she feels defeated.
She is going to counseling today & we meet with the ounselor together for about 15 minutes at the beginning of each session. I think I'm going to broach the subject then. It is so hard because food is a very deep issue with her. The question is, why? We've always taken the "all things in moderation" approach. No food is forbidden, but we don't stock the cupboards with all kids of junk either. I remember being at a friend's house back when dd was about 10. It was the first really beautiful day of summer and all the kids were in the pool. It was time to eat and most parents had to DRAG their kids to the buffet table. I glanced over at dd and saw a look of pure panic on her face. She was standing at the end of the line, straining to see the table. I think she thought they might run out of food or something. I realized then - and I know now... it isn't about being hungry. It isn't even about the food. This is going to be a tough one.
Thanks for your kind words. I remind myself all the time how luck we are. This is just a bump in the road. What I am tryint to do is to help her over it.
Oh - and Disney? It was ablsolutely a blast! The weather was perfect and we really enjoyed every moment. It's funny. I really shouldn't like Disney at all. I hate the following with a passion: Crowds. Waiting in line. Blatantly commercial ventures. Badly behaved children. But I love Disney. They must put something in the water (or the margaritas).
jt
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I'm so glad you had fun! Isn't it amazing the things we put up with at Disney? $4.00 cokes and $25 t-shirts? How we fork over $100 for a character buffet breakfast and don't think much about it? The lines about kill me, but we use those Fast-Pass machines whenever possible. Did you eat at Goofy's Kitchen? We've had Thanksgiving Day dinner there several years in a row, and I have to say, it's quite good. Delicious, actually!
Glad you got a break from the snow, too!
I understand the point you make completely. DD is just in her first year of high school and typically does very well with minimal effort.
The reason I try to keep tabs on what homework she has, when it's due, etc., is because since she started hs, she isn't home much. She is at school until 5:00 when DH picks her up after he gets off work and they don't get home til 6:00 or later. Unless I pick her up for ortho appt or some other reason, she's at school and I DO want to spend some time with her when I can.
She does have a pretty heavy academic load and pretty much most of at least one weekend day is spent on schoolwork. That leaves just one day for fun. So my usually tactic is to find out what has to be done by Monday so I can schedule some fun in for us all together knowing that homework is done and out of the way OR that I've allowed her enough time to get it done without her staying up til midnight.
Last weekend was a 3-day weekend for her. I pretty much insisted that her homework be done on Saturday so that we'd have two full days to play. I just wouldn't want to put her in a position of us being gone all day and coming home at 8:00 on a Sunday night to learn that she has 3 hours of homework still to do.
In a way, it shows her that getting her responsibilities out of the way early, or scheduling time to get it done, makes her able to enjoy her free time that much more.
I still think it takes her WAY longer than it should to complete her assignments, but I imagine she'll learn eventually, that spending 5 hours on something that could have taken 2, just cuts into her free time.
I'd like to think that helping her organize her time during her freshman year will serve to teach her organization and time management skills for the remainder of her academic career. She has the option of starting AP classes as early as next year, and she's heard that kids taking AP in sophmore year 'don't have a life'. Anyway, it could be wishful thinking on my part, but I'd like to think I'm 'helping' as opposed to 'hindering'. I do believe in learning about actions and consequences, so I'd like to think that I won't be so involved next year. Again, could just be wishful thinking.
Edited 2/22/2006 1:36 pm ET by julesnalpine
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