Need help following my own advice (long

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Need help following my own advice (long
12
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:48pm

I'm always one of the first to jump in with the advice "let it go" (one of the wisest sentances of all times) or "disengage". Right now, I'm having a tough time applying this wisdom to my own life & I'm looking for support, wisdom, advice or all of the above.

I've posted about my dd's self esteem issues - she is talking to a counselor and I know she's working on this. Among the things she struggles with are Add and concentration, which affects her grades and her body-image. She is a beautiful girl - I remember watching her once when she was little and thinking "I hope she doesn't make her beauty her identity". Watch what you wish for. She thinks she's hideously ugly. She has gained about 15-20 pounds since the beginning of the school year and I know it makes her miserable, but this is something she will not talk about.

She dresses to hide her body and wears too much makeup to hide her (beautiful) face. I say nothing about either of these things -usually - but I found myself commenting when we were on vacation (about the clothes) because she'd packed some really nice things I'd bought for her back when she went to a Leadershp conference (where there was a dress code) but she ended up wearing the same few t-shirts and hoodies. It's like they are her security blankets.

I know she wants to do something about the weight thing - we've talked about it a little - but I don't know how far to go with it. We rarely eat fast food - pizza is a treat every once and awhile. I cook healthy meals and we eat together almost every night. I buy sweets occasionally and I know she has pop and all sorts of junk at school. While we were on vacation, she ate constantly. Our hotel had breakfast, high tea and snacks in the evening. She always went for the danish or the cupcakes (even if we were just returning form a meal) and the pop.

She is not obese by any standards, but it breaks my heart when I go to put the same t-shirts and hoodies in her drawer after doing laundry and I see that she's tried on and disgarded shirt after shirt in her drawer. She'll take 1/2 hour to get ready to go somewhere and emerge wearing the same things. I don't know what to do to help her - saying nothing seems wrong, yet everything I do say sounds worse.

Ok - that's part 1. Part two is the studying. She has mostly A's, but she has a C in science a C in math and an F in Western Society right now (her grades are posted on the internet). The F is from one test that she barely studied for. She has a WS test tomorrow and she did study last night after I nagged her and she did her science paper after I nagged her. I feel that I am constantly on her & it feels terrible. How much nagging is encouragement and how much is just too much?

Every time I open my mouth to remind her to study and every time I say something stupid like "why don't you wear the blue shirt?", I feel like I'm pounding another nail into her self-image coffin.

She is the best kid as far as temperment goes. I am so proud of her for who she is and for the kind, compassionate, funny, talented person that is hiding behind the hoodie. And I don't care about the hoodies or how much she weighs - I care that she cares.

How much of this do I let go? How do I keep my big mouth shut when she's paging through a magazine instead of studying for a test?

Thanks!

jt

Pages

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:19pm

I find it facinating that you said that your dd doesn't have a weight problem but that if you didn't pack her lunch, she'd eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a bag of chips for lunch. When I was in high school, I weighed all of 97 pounds, and it looked good on my slight frame. I had Mother's chocolate chocolate chip cookies and 2 chocolate milks for lunch almost every day. I mean out of 28 school days, I'd eat this 27 times! I was stick thin probably only because it was almost all I ever ate and because I walked every where I went. But now, I have a high schooler and I'm more than 150 pounds over weight!! As parents, we need to be desperate to get kids eating habits under control. I still eat like I always did, I learned bad habits at home growing up and still tend to eat that way or worse.

The thing I have to offer to the OP is to offer to go do something with your dd. Walk with her every evening after dinner or after school before home work. Take up tennis together, or a yoga class. Pick something you'll both enjoy and go do it together on a regular basis. You'll get more one on one time with her and she'll get even more than that. Plus, it will offer you time that you can discuss that up coming huge project and ways to tackle it so that it's not that big of a deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:45pm

Well ... DD weighs considerably more than 97 pounds, and doesn't have one of those 'straight up and down' stick-figure shapes, but she certainly doesn't have a weight problem.

I was much like her (and you) growing up; never had to concern myself with my weight, and so didn't put much effort or thought into my diet or what I ate. I moved out right at 18 and didn't really cook until I got married 10 years later! I was fortunate though, as weight didn't become an issue until I got pregnant with DD -- I ballooned to just about 200 pounds. I did that with both of my pregnancies actually, without even trying. While I did lose all the weight after DS was born, my weight has gone up and down, up and down with what seems to be the same 25 pounds ever since. I'm currently on the 'up' end and working on making it go 'down' again. (I don't ever really weigh myself, I go by size, and I'd like to be two sizes smaller,so 25-30 lbs.)

I hope I've learned the lesson this time around. Wouldn't speak much of me if I didn't! And that's what I'd like to reinforce to both kids -- that in the long run, eating healthy, making good food choices and finding some way to be physically active consistently, all their lives, is so much better than following in the footsteps of dear old mom.

DD seems to have inherited my genes, and with the exception of the odd physical feature or two, her resemblance to me is striking, (as mine is to my mother) and I am assuming that her growth and weight patterns will follow mine as well. I sure hope I will be able to set a better example for her and that she will learn to be wiser about her health, diet and exercise than I have been.

Did I mention that my DM was a yo-yo dieter, too? And currently about 75 lbs overweight with a host of health issues? Time to break the cycle!

Best wishes to you!

Julie




Edited 2/22/2006 5:52 pm ET by julesnalpine

Pages