Need help, parent of a 13 yo dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Need help, parent of a 13 yo dd
8
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:56am
My 13 yo dd pulled a fast one on us. It has always been my policy to check with parents when my daughter goes to someones house, and she knows that. However, this past Friday night she went to a friends house (who is a boy, by the way) with another girlfriend that was dropped off at our house (whos parents I have never met). My DH dropped her off, and did not go to the door. Instead he told her to go in and have a parent call me, I guess he was shy. No parent called me, so I called my dd on her cell and told her I wanted to speak to a parent. She said they were in their room and she was embarassed to disturb them. For some reason I trusted this lie, and told her that when they come out, I want to talk to them, and she said okay. So I was expecting a call shortly. No one called. My DH picked her and her friend up at about 10:30, and her friend was picked up from our house at 11:00. After her friend left she sat with us in the living room and talked about her night, and she exposed her lie accidentally, that there were no parents, and there were 3 boys and 2 girls at this unsupervised get-together. Also, the girls mother thought that her DD would be staying at our house for the evening. Come to find out it was orchestrated by my DD when she found out his parents werent home. And the fellow whos house it was at didnt know that my DD had invited the other 2 boys that were there.
I know that we failed to check with the other parents, and in the future that IMPORTANT detail will not be overlooked. We grounded her for 2 weeks from the phone and all non-schoool related activites. Is that enough? Too much? I am seeking all advise you have to offer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:21pm

This one brings back some very unpleasant memories. My DD took it a couple steps farther - she got her friend to call and pretend to be a parent and she was allowed to spend the night with an entire football team at a party with no parents present - so step back and remind yourself it could have been a whole lot worse. That was two years ago and I still don't laugh about it.

I did not completely ground DD. Complete grounding usually works in reverse with my DD. She gets frustrated and rebellious. We use a partial grounding - she is grounded on weekend nights. She is also given X # of chores to do. The # of chores is usually based on how many times she lied to us. Four lies = four chores. The chores are major ones like window washing, garage cleaning, etc. We do the work alongside her and get a little bonding time in. It works pretty well as she isn't lying to us.

However, you know your DD and you know what works for her. Trust your instincts and it'll work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:10pm
I think your punishment sounds about right. She lied to you about the get-together, but it sounds like everything else turned out OK - no damage, no alcohol, etc. I have a 14 yr old DS who still doesn't socialize a lot yet, but I am taking notes from others on this board and your reasonable punishment is one I will hopefully remember if I end up in the same situtaion.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:47pm
are you sure her exposure of her lie was accidental, or designed to just look that way? I think your punishment is perfectly inline. I would, however, be sure to point out that although you considered a much longer grounding, like a month, you decided to cut that time in half because of her coming clean about it. And, then, I'd make the next 2 weeks movie marathon time. I'm sure you can easily find movies about girls who do things like that, or like spending the night with the football teem, and what can happen when kids aren't where they say they'll be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:57pm
I think the consequences are fine.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 6:26pm
Thanks for all the advice. We did consider a month long grounding and shortened it because she came clean, and made sure to tell her to avoid any complaints about the length. It did, however, seem like she let it slip so easily. We are not sure as to why she told on herslf as someone suggested in an earlier post- but that does seem like what she did. Anyway, thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:55am

Did you talk to the parents of the other kids? They should know, as well.
Your DD could call/visit the parents of the boy and apologize for using their house for the get-together. It's great that she came clean with you but she was not the only one involved.

Her friends might get "p***** off" but the parents could very well thank you. It takes a village to bring up a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:27pm
Your right...we should do that. Wow, that won't go over very good with my DD or her friends. They need to know. Geez, what a tough one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 10:57am

Yea, I was thinking about how tough it will be too. I don't envy you.

But, look at it this way, the boy's parents will see that your DD comes from a home with responsible parents and that your DD is not a "bad kid,just a kid who made a mistake".
But she was not the only one who was in the wrong. How the parents react will tell you and your DD a great deal about their values. Useful information to have in the years to come.

Good luck.