need help with peer problems
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need help with peer problems
| Fri, 02-16-2007 - 2:38pm |
This is such a huge issue for us, you have no idea. Here's the latest in an almost continuous string of things - three or four boys went after our 15 year old A. verbally in English class the other day. And each separate comment would not really look like "bullying" but the cumulative effect is pretty destructive. They were quiet and subtle enough for the teacher not to notice, until of course A. blows up (which doesn't take really long!) and yells/swears at the kid...and of course gets HIMSELF kicked out of class. I've heard this kind of stuff myself, too...here's an example: Kid calls out in the hallway "come here, A." so he does (doh!) and the kid hands him garbage from his lunch. A says "what am I supposed to do with this?" and the kid says "oh, you just seem like the type who should be in charge of garbage." Another one "Hey greaseball, when's the last time you took a shower?" On that occasion A. got in trouble again, because he yelled "This morning, you stupid P*****!" It's been going on for YEARS, and in a small town people don't forget. Originally I'm sure it started because of his out of control behaviours and poor hygiene (while he was living in an abusive home for 8 years!). Now, he is doing so well and is almost "normal" (although still hyper (ADHD) and inclined to really blow up verbally when provoked - which I think these guys probably get a big kick out of)....but I don't know how to either deal with the other kids, or help A. not to over-react. It is constant and continuous, many times per day and it must really eat away at self esteem. The school has TRIED to deal with it, but what can they really do either? The only advice I've gotten so far is "don't jump in and try to rescue him - kids have to figure out how to deal with these things for themselves." But obviously he hasn't, and can't at this point - 14 years of abuse and neglect do odd things to your brain development and social skills. Any advice?

Bless his heart. What gets me is, if the school *knows* it's going on, why does A continually get in trouble over his outbursts? Of course, being removed from the classroom could be looked upon as removing him from the source of the trouble (for that brief moment, anyway) but could be seen by everyone else, bullies and A himself, as getting in trouble. I could see where it would be a double-edged sword. Tough, tough predicament for all concerned...(but if it's a small school, don't tell me they don't know *who* is responsible for riling A. Believe me, they know. May not be able to prove it, but they know. And they should be watching these kids like hawks.)
This may sound stupid and may not work with A (I don't think either of my kids would do this) but have you tried role-playing with A? You be the bully and say things that they have said and A comes up with some come-backs, or at least some form of non-reaction so that he doesn't get into trouble? Have you seen that commercial where an older teen is talking to a younger teen and tries to get him to smoke pot. The younger teen says something like "I don't smoke weed, I smoke guys like you on the b-ball court." They both stand there for a minute, then burst out laughing. The older teen is his brother and they are practicing ways to say "no". (pretty cool commercial, actually!) Would you or someone that is close to A be able to do something like that with him? Mainly, because I think you are right, these boys bullly him this way so they can watch him explode and then get in trouble for it. Why anyone would get a kick out of that is beyond me, but I know those types of kids are out there.
Do you have a decent counselor at school? Has A talked to him or her? Sometimes a counselor can help not only the kid getting bullied, but can reprimand the boys that are the source of A's anguish. I guess it really depends on the counselor. Here, we truly have a wonderful counselor in middle school and she makes herself available to the high schoolers once they move out of her middle school.
Normally, kids do eventually learn to deal with these things themselves, but A did not have a normal childhood that would give him the social and mental skills to really deal with this on his own -- not to mention his ADD, which adds a whole 'nuther dimension to his problem. That's why I thought of the role-playing. He can "practice" different things in the comfort and safety of his own home without fear of ridicule or retaliation.
Give him an extra hug from me.
Oh, poor A, what a tough position to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do in your spot. I'd certainly want to help him as much as possible. I don't think I believe the "kids have to learn how to handle this" stuff - it just seems to give adults an excuse not to help.
I think - other than hanging the other boys up by their toes in the schoolyard - your main approach is to continue to talk to A about coping strategies. Help him figure out some better ways of responding, do some role playing wiht him, priase/reward him for successful days. And help him focus on the longer-term - when kids are this age, they lose perspective on the long range future. Maybe thinking about what he'll do after HS will help him keep this sh*t in perspective.
(((HUGS)))
Sue
Wow. I don't know what the answer is, other than to hope that it gets better as the kids get older and everybody develops a little more empathy.
What's your school counselor like? Can he/she be counted on to help any? Ours is awesome, and every year develops social skills groups for those kids that seem to be lacking in those areas. She presents it as something completely different to the kids, and it often includes the bullies as well as the bullied. I have no clue how she conducts the groups, other than that they meet 2-3 days/week over homeroom, which is 35 minutes in our school. J was part of one of these groups when he was a freshman, and it really seemed to help the situation a LOT. Our counselor is a friend of mine from our bowling league, and one thing she did tell me is very often the bullies are as lacking in social skills and self esteem as the bullied are. They just express it differently.
Good luck, wish I could be of more help.
Rose